thoughts

Thoughts

Manifesto (smart talk’s with Daria)

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“The truth is that people like you and I are self-sufficient. The fact is. That we are socially dependent is another story. But we don’t plan to “live with the whole world.” So objectively. What is the main thing for people like us in another person who should be there?
1. Acceptance of us as we are. With the need for additional communication. Will all people give us this opportunity? No.
2. The opportunity to share something and be heard. For example, your “employee” – he has not passed this test. Based on previous thoughts.
3. Warmth of relationships. We are ready to give warmth and would like to receive it. Not for a “well-executed command” (like dogs), but simply. Because they see us as a living person. So if a person does not treat you “warmly” or does not make contact – it is not that the problem is there. It is just that either you do not have a connection, or the person does not perceive you (read point 2).
4. Shared leisure. An important point. Because without shared activities, there is no relationship. And this is about whether you either go somewhere together and like it, or watch/listen/read something that you can talk about later.
5. The future. In general, this is not about “our” relationships, but relationships in general. People should see a common future. In a common place. In a common reality. If people at our age do not see a common future, it means that they have already set different paths. They will not change over time. They will simply diverge even more. Therefore, at this stage, it is important to share and hear about how a person sees himself in 5-10 years, conditional.

It would seem that this is all about the “basics”, but we neglect about 3 points out of 5 every time, and think that the problem is us. But the problem is not us, but that you are simply different people. With different ideas/attitudes towards life.”

Personal Thoughts

Feels

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In fact, it already feels like you’re alone with the world. Technically, I’ve always been alone with it. I might have made mistakes in certain decisions, but I didn’t feel supported on certain issues that were critical to me “in the moment.” I always asked myself “what if it were different?”

It doesn’t matter if you’re left alone with the whole world or a small town – you become more cautious. On the one hand. On the other… when you’re alone – your hands are untied in every sense. The decisions you make will be exclusively yours. Even if they’re wrong. The world consists of a multitude of illusions, each of which creates some kind of protection in your imagination. Which, in reality, never exists. In general, I wasn’t protected, not from the arbitrariness of doctors, not from myself, not from the bunch of mistakes that were made. Did they have them? I don’t know…

We create a feeling in ourselves that there is someone nearby. He will be able to solve critical issues. Help in a difficult situation. Just be there. We are always looking for someone who will help us “go through this world” more easily. But I feel that I have taken on so many different…strange things for others that in general I will probably remain alone. Simply because this world does not accept people like me. People who accept are even scarier than me. And much more..

We get used to a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave. But sometimes it happens that outside this comfort zone there is another world. It may be good for us, it may not. You won’t know until you try. I gave myself a deadline of “until 40 years old”. Let’s try to increase it somehow. Change life, find new meanings. Because there is a feeling that now is the time. I would like to stop being afraid and thinking about how I will be perceived or what they will think of me. If I look this way or that way. If I just be myself. The world around me is, of course, big and evil. But is it eviler than me?..

Thoughts

On happiness among people of high spiritual development

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“As before – I think the exact opposite. That is, the lower a person’s vision is, the… easier it is for them to live. When visualizing, just imagine it as a horizon. The further the views open up to you – the harder you see your path, because there are mountains, stones, rivers. If you “fly low” and see only the road ahead of some trees – everything seems easier/simpler to you. As an example – I think that the saddest people would be those who knew how they would die. Currently, I relate to them, in the sense that my current vision of life shows that it is not from some disease. There was a strange time, a long time ago, when I wanted to get sick with something incurable in order to have “clear deadlines”.

But returning to people who knew how they would end up in general – they knew how it would end, and would constantly think about it. The same goes for us – we constantly think about “what’s a little further over the horizon”, and we understand that in some places we still won’t know everything. Therefore… I guess we just have to live by desire. By the present. Do you want to get a divorce? Get a divorce! You can get married again tomorrow, or maybe with the same person, if your paths cross again, but in the moment, right now – do what you want. Because only in this way will you remain, albeit conditionally, happy. When you do not do what you have or what is expected of you, but what you want yourself, inside…

Thoughts

Time 4 Stop

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Sometimes you come to the conclusion that you just need to stop and…talk about something. Not with someone, with yourself. Because there is no time for anything. Everyone needs something, everyone is running somewhere. Again, I am glad that people turn to me with various requests and…it brings me income. It is wonderful. My plan for life is simple. To earn money with services, so that you can buy goods with them, so that you can have something more serious from their sale. Approximately the same as when I started 15 years ago. But now everything is completely different and more difficult. Therefore, you should not complain about it. You just have to go this way. Now I get tired at one in the morning, although before I could freely go to bed at four.

My psychological state has stabilized. I do not think that it is because of the pills. It is just that everything in my relationships with people has fallen into place. That is enough. Sometimes I still remember that I am like that “kettle”. Which can suddenly boil over at any time. I ask myself “what then?”. I find the strength to restrain myself from any impulses. And are there those impulses now? But I know that I am me. I have never felt stable. There are just states of remission. There are just states of exacerbation. It is difficult to say when this or that happens. Sometimes it seems that I am just waiting for an exacerbation to look for ways to solve the problem again. But I would like stability. But is it in the environment in which I live? I planned that from April I would not have days without work, because everyone will have to clean chimneys. May is ending, we cleaned, with all our might, 5 objects. Although it was supposed to be the main income. There are things that do not let me go higher. I just always miss them.

Sometimes it seems that I lean too much on this person. Too much. Something needs to be done about this. Because it’s not right. I have to be self-sufficient in everything. I don’t know how to build a relationship with this person. I’m used to understanding and planning everything.

“Who are you with the lights out?
I don’t feel right when I’m all alone
My human nature makes me a stranger
To everyone I know.
I know it’s all lies I brought to life
Now I don’t know how to be someone real
Hate that I fake the way that I feel.

Voices
Fill my head with noises
Drain me of this poison
‘Cause I’m not who you think I’ve been

Frozen
I’m someone I don’t know and
Cycle’s never broken
And I’ll die a silent stranger.”

Wherever I am, I always have the feeling that I’m running past. It’s like you’re driving on the highway, but on the side of the road. You see people, cars, and other things rushing by. Like in an old movie.

Sometimes I ask myself “what do I want?” And I don’t have an answer to this question. I just do what I have to do. To just keep living. A closed cycle.

There are many people who say that I’m easy. That you talk to me and it becomes easier for them, and as if there are no problems in general. Few people think about what the price is. I don’t know the price myself. I just feel that one day I will have to pay it.

“Let’s spend the day in bed, talk about you instead
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
Something to take off the edge,
’cause I can’t go back again
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
My head is not my friend..”

Personal Thoughts

From a clean slate

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Of the TV series that I liked, there was one that I didn’t talk about. I plan to watch it again to revive the memories and feelings. I remember that I liked the music in it. It’s a bit melancholic.

I was surprised that two years ago I had a post with the same name . I think the title of the post also matched the title of this series. In general, it is about a man who moves to a new city and plans to start all over again. He used to have problems with alcohol, so he tries to move away from the past and move on. But certain difficulties in life return him to his previous path, and everyone turns away from him.

I try to live life, but sometimes it’s very difficult, because all your plans and efforts are destroyed by reality, which simply does not allow you to swim to the shore. And this is not about memories of two years ago. That is, not thoughts of suicide or anything else – sometimes you just understand how difficult it is to carry this world on your shoulders. I am now further from suicide than ever, which is why it was even stranger to watch that movie the other day, with the understanding that you know how it is, and you are more scared not by what you see, but by what you want to say “oh no… you don’t do it that way, let me show you how…”.

I couldn’t erase myself from this world then, and I became curious about what it would be like if I did everything the other way around. If I tried to live it? This is life, no matter what. I’m not afraid of the TCC or checkpoints not because I believe in my status. In fact, under this status, I’m dead as a soldier. I’m more interested in something else – they caught me somewhere. Busified me. What’s next? With those electronic registers and other things…where they know more about you than you do. How will I get through the VLK and where will I end up? It would be an adventure, that’s how I feel about it.

I was given the chance to live freely, and I’m taking advantage of it. Sometimes it’s harder than I’d like. Sometimes it’s incomprehensible. But I’m trying my best…

Thoughts

Statistics

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As long as I blog, I am a person obsessed with statistics. That is, after publishing, I am interested in how many people have viewed it and whether they have viewed it at all. The old blog is 13 years old, there are a lot of people from different countries. I don’t know them. I don’t know who can hide behind those country names. It doesn’t matter at all who can suddenly view 10-20 pages in an evening. In a certain sense, it is voyeurism. That is, when you show yourself, but you don’t see anyone’s face. Are we all voyeurs in life?

I think not. Creative people – yes. Undoubtedly. Ordinary/other people – no. We want to be heard, seen. As if that will give us some energy that will show that we are worth something. And what we create in general.

One performer was given a classic comment under her video in the spirit of “it’s strange that there are so few subscribers/views, don’t stop and you’ll reach heights” – but no. I wonder if she knows that she doesn’t? Would she agree to it? Would she continue to be creative? Is it just a desire to become famous, or something that a person cannot live without? But a person either “flies” into the universe of showbiz or not. That is, I understand from myself that I don’t create something that will be popular. But I do it for myself. What will be popular – I do it and earn money from it. It is always important to separate one from the other.

You think that statistics are something that will allow you to understand something more. But, more often, it confuses more.

People Personal Thoughts

Unconditional Love

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I discovered the term “unconditional love” for myself. I wanted to convey a thought that is spinning in my head, but there is something that is inside you, but is not in words. And this very term reflects it at least a little. What if we remove the desire to own a person? That is, the term itself can be about different types of ownership. For example, we can rent a car, or buy and own it ourselves, or borrow it from someone. It’s still owning a car, no matter how you say it. But what is “owning a person”? Sashka said today “it would be interesting how a friend would react if some girl sent her husband a nude photo (although not hers)” to the fact that I received this same photo. And this is one side of unconditional love, which is based on trust.

From the opposite, no matter how difficult it is, but you always have to understand what will be more useful for the other person. What will be better for her. And proceed from her desire. And I can get attached to someone as much as I want, but at the same time I want the person to find their happiness with someone. You understand that in this case you will not have communication and, perhaps, there will be no time left for you. But this is precisely what this “unconditionality” is all about. That is, when you love a person not in order to get married, “sleep with them” or something else. You want a certain entity to be in the most comfortable conditions. At the same time, not wanting to get something back.

This is a rather difficult path, because you need to simultaneously respect and appreciate someone’s needs, not forget about your own needs, and balance in this universe between-between.

The world dictates to us the rules that we always have to own something. That everything has a price and every thing or person is either ours or someone else’s. Without any “buts”. Because without these rules there will be no marketing. There will be no competition. It’s like she writes that “we talked and talked until we saw old photos. You show yourself as you are – communication disappears.” Because people need an image. People need what they have drawn for themselves. They don’t need a person with their needs and problems. They need a picture. “Fucking”, if you like. Otherwise they are not interested.

The world is completely made up of marketing, and it pisses me off…

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