thoughts

I think I’m imagining it?..

I catch myself in this state again when I realize that it’s all just in my head. I’m again not correctly perceiving other people’s emotions. Maybe it’s empathy, maybe interest in certain aspects of a person. But no more. And I can step on the same rake again if I perceive something differently. The world doesn’t work in my image and likeness. All people are different and not like me. In general, this should be perceived as “if I think something is like this – it means it’s not like this, but completely different”. And now is the moment when you should catch it.

I like to substitute my values ​​into the formula instead of “X” and “Y”, getting the results that would satisfy me. But you have to remember that I am always “insufficient”. For other people, something in me is always not enough for something to happen. At such moments you are most vulnerable, and every little thing can knock you off track. Are you ready for this time?..

It would be strange for me, at least once, to meet someone just like me. No games. No substitutions of the desired for the real. A person who would believe me. But can you be believed if, sometimes, you don’t believe yourself?..Your openness is killing you. It kills anything, because people don’t like openness. They need a mystery. A secret that they will want to find in you. Something personal that remains inside…

“Talk to me, talk to me
Won’t you make it all make sense?
Caught between the memories
Of yesterday and who we were back then
But I’ve been here before
So I think I know the score
Hit me when I’m sore..”

Rat race

Sometimes the interaction of two people resembles a race. As in sports or dance, there is one who leads and one who allows himself to be led. That is, two diverse forces. Let’s turn to physics. If two forces move at different speeds, but one of the forces makes a jump, does this mean that they will align and continue their journey side by side? I will answer right away – no.

The thing is that the impulse we give to an object is not a fixed unit. There was once a girl I liked. But the problem (from my point of view) was that I didn’t have money for flowers and stuff. You could have asked her if she needed them, but you learn from how the universe works, from other people’s experiences, because it’s shown in movies or described in books. So you make these flowers an important part of the relationship. Reasoning has led to the fact that it’s not a problem to go to work and earn money. The problem is that there are certain elements that, from the starting position, on your part, require action from you. Reasoning moves into the plane of “but if a person doesn’t need you without these actions, then a person doesn’t need you, but what these actions will give them.”

In general, it resembles buying a phone. When you look at a model in a store for $500, and a model $30 more expensive is better, and $50 more expensive is even better. And now you no longer think about the one that cost $500, but you admire the one that is a “dream model”, but costs $580. And you buy it. Translating this into a more understandable plane – by increasing your speed, or value, you, at the same time, reduce the speed/value of another object that you are trying to catch up with. That is, it, in your understanding, depreciates.

Basically, being in different conditions, the two forces cannot coexist side by side. Either the first will constantly pull the second forward, or the second will stop the first from moving forward.

This takes me back to 2007. You can love endlessly and dissolve in a person, finding in them a whole universe, and dividing the world in which you live into two halves. Equal for each. But as in yesterday’s story about different planes, here it is the same – your universes coexist only in one plane – of thoughts and communication. An attempt to go beyond the boundaries of communication ends fatally, because you understand the difference of these very worlds. It’s about some things that you cannot agree with, because they were not built into your “firmware”.

As in any other case, I ask myself the question – could it be otherwise? Is there some neutral side? A neutral territory where two energies can coexist? It reminds me, for some reason, of the life of a conditional stewardess and a plumber. When the first knows that she can return home. That there is a fixed term “home”. Where it is cozy. Where she is always expected. Where there is food, there are freshly cut flowers on the table. Because Mario grows them in the winter garden. The second knows that he needs to maintain this very comfort. It is not for nothing that Mario is given as an example here – he has to watch “the castle for the princess”.

In 2007, we were both 17. And you had one perception. Now…at 17 you look for reasons, at 36 you look for ways. You don’t want to believe that the world is flat and any situation has only 1 solution. The question is whether this solution is necessary only for you.

Random fact

I have always had it easier with people who are not accepted by society, because such people accepted me. I accept people as they are. Any. Except for those who commit violence against others. They should burn in hell, of course. In turn, this unspoken rule applies to me too – you don’t need to wear a mask. You are just who you are.

Therefore, “your people”, or “your person” – will always come across your path. No matter how long or short it may be. Just look not among those who do not understand – but among those who are on the same wavelength.

Planes

We can perceive any person as close as possible, but each person exists in several planes. One plane is our conversations. Another plane is the worldview. Another plane is the family, from one side, from the other. And there are many such planes. In each of us. And, that is, we perceive a person as close, but this happens in one plane. But we perceive it as if it happens in all directions at once. Then “something wrong” happens, and our perception changes. It changes in relation to this very part. But internally we perceive it as something that has changed globally and as a whole…

Between the Windows

I know/like to find some signs (even where there are none). Same with this butterfly. It got stuck between the windows, although I thought it was sitting on the outside window. I feel about the same way – like stuck between two windows. One half of you says – you are self-sufficient, you don’t need anyone. The other says – you need someone.

In general, you just keep sitting between the windows, waiting for… some sign? Not sure…

Grandmother Miguel de Cervantes

Grandmother de Cervantes had every chance of being the first one that I would (attempt?) somehow restore.

Well…for now, it’s just a matter of fixing it up. Because I like it. My guy. It’s just a little shabby…I’d like to return the look of the wood to…wood. The hinges to the hinges. The mirrors to…mirrors?. Cover it with oil and wax and you’ll be happy. But I think those are far-fetched plans. For now, at least just start using it for its intended purpose.

The (almost) bachelor’s house is so…strange. The ceiling is black because the stove “smoked” when the uncle heated it and…left the house. Some might say it’s dirt. But for me it’s just a “creative ceiling”. You’ll probably see more than one photo where I use it as a decorative element. Like old wallpaper. Because for some, what’s gloomy is for us inspiration.

Yes. And now we definitely need to cook food…

Manifesto (smart talk’s with Daria)

“The truth is that people like you and I are self-sufficient. The fact is. That we are socially dependent is another story. But we don’t plan to “live with the whole world.” So objectively. What is the main thing for people like us in another person who should be there?
1. Acceptance of us as we are. With the need for additional communication. Will all people give us this opportunity? No.
2. The opportunity to share something and be heard. For example, your “employee” – he has not passed this test. Based on previous thoughts.
3. Warmth of relationships. We are ready to give warmth and would like to receive it. Not for a “well-executed command” (like dogs), but simply. Because they see us as a living person. So if a person does not treat you “warmly” or does not make contact – it is not that the problem is there. It is just that either you do not have a connection, or the person does not perceive you (read point 2).
4. Shared leisure. An important point. Because without shared activities, there is no relationship. And this is about whether you either go somewhere together and like it, or watch/listen/read something that you can talk about later.
5. The future. In general, this is not about “our” relationships, but relationships in general. People should see a common future. In a common place. In a common reality. If people at our age do not see a common future, it means that they have already set different paths. They will not change over time. They will simply diverge even more. Therefore, at this stage, it is important to share and hear about how a person sees himself in 5-10 years, conditional.

It would seem that this is all about the “basics”, but we neglect about 3 points out of 5 every time, and think that the problem is us. But the problem is not us, but that you are simply different people. With different ideas/attitudes towards life.”

Feels

In fact, it already feels like you’re alone with the world. Technically, I’ve always been alone with it. I might have made mistakes in certain decisions, but I didn’t feel supported on certain issues that were critical to me “in the moment.” I always asked myself “what if it were different?”

It doesn’t matter if you’re left alone with the whole world or a small town – you become more cautious. On the one hand. On the other… when you’re alone – your hands are untied in every sense. The decisions you make will be exclusively yours. Even if they’re wrong. The world consists of a multitude of illusions, each of which creates some kind of protection in your imagination. Which, in reality, never exists. In general, I wasn’t protected, not from the arbitrariness of doctors, not from myself, not from the bunch of mistakes that were made. Did they have them? I don’t know…

We create a feeling in ourselves that there is someone nearby. He will be able to solve critical issues. Help in a difficult situation. Just be there. We are always looking for someone who will help us “go through this world” more easily. But I feel that I have taken on so many different…strange things for others that in general I will probably remain alone. Simply because this world does not accept people like me. People who accept are even scarier than me. And much more..

We get used to a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave. But sometimes it happens that outside this comfort zone there is another world. It may be good for us, it may not. You won’t know until you try. I gave myself a deadline of “until 40 years old”. Let’s try to increase it somehow. Change life, find new meanings. Because there is a feeling that now is the time. I would like to stop being afraid and thinking about how I will be perceived or what they will think of me. If I look this way or that way. If I just be myself. The world around me is, of course, big and evil. But is it eviler than me?..

On happiness among people of high spiritual development

“As before – I think the exact opposite. That is, the lower a person’s vision is, the… easier it is for them to live. When visualizing, just imagine it as a horizon. The further the views open up to you – the harder you see your path, because there are mountains, stones, rivers. If you “fly low” and see only the road ahead of some trees – everything seems easier/simpler to you. As an example – I think that the saddest people would be those who knew how they would die. Currently, I relate to them, in the sense that my current vision of life shows that it is not from some disease. There was a strange time, a long time ago, when I wanted to get sick with something incurable in order to have “clear deadlines”.

But returning to people who knew how they would end up in general – they knew how it would end, and would constantly think about it. The same goes for us – we constantly think about “what’s a little further over the horizon”, and we understand that in some places we still won’t know everything. Therefore… I guess we just have to live by desire. By the present. Do you want to get a divorce? Get a divorce! You can get married again tomorrow, or maybe with the same person, if your paths cross again, but in the moment, right now – do what you want. Because only in this way will you remain, albeit conditionally, happy. When you do not do what you have or what is expected of you, but what you want yourself, inside…