People

People Personal

At the crossroads

Saint Creature No Comments

Two days, two attempts, two chances. Not so. Zero chances. Because we always remain ourselves. I told Daria about this – our problem is that even when we try/want to be or look like someone else, we return to the fact that our behavior does not change, because we are us. In every sense. I asked myself what Sa would do. She recommended being ourselves. In the worst possible way. And these are nails, a provocative earring (two?), and… a gender-neutral T-shirt. Everything we like.

Sa plays her own game…it’s not about wanting to please someone, it’s about wanting to please yourself. To be yourself in that rare moment. Your worse or better half?..gentle. First and foremost.

I would like to learn to pretend to be someone else. Convenient at times. Understanding at times. But I am me. With all the pros and cons. No, I don’t consider the way I sometimes look or perceive myself to be a disadvantage. Quite the opposite.

Sa will not disappear anywhere. From me. From this universe. Because she is the last fuse that saves me from everything that happened then. Sa is an alternative “me” that wanted to live. Which said “I will teach you how to have fun and be yourself. How to make plans and look to the future. How to live despite how difficult it is sometimes”. Music, movies, books, anything else – it doesn’t matter. What is important is the understanding that sometimes I am more Sa than myself. These are not days of mourning, these are days of celebration. As if it were your birthday. Artificial, but okay. I love these days. Shall we have a celebration?..

People Personal

Yes, but no

Saint Creature No Comments

It’s amazing how my perception and thoughts can change from evening to morning, or rather, day. With my thoughts and actions, I remind myself right now of some maniac who is looking for a victim. The question is whether he is “looking for”, and what exactly is a “victim”. Because the fact is a fact…

Is my world, in this sense, divided into two points of view? And no. Because sometimes it seems that Sa is just waiting to insert his “what the hell?!”. The other half is trying to copulate herself in a state of alcoholic intoxication. Therefore, one thing in the evening, another in the morning. Despite all sorts of coincidences.

We could, of course, add an inferiority complex here. But why? This complex is worthless, just like I am now. Yes, in a sense I am a (good?) hardworking person, but honesty and everything else are not worth anything now. I don’t have any other currency in me. Nevertheless, pride is still there. That’s why I allow myself to do something for someone for free, despite the fact that I desperately need money to pay off my debts now. Because this is my freedom. The day I say the phrase “sorry, but I can’t do it for free, because..” – kill me. I won’t need someone like that…

Maybe I’m just not focused on money? I mean, to somehow earn it en masse and in general? And do I think I should be like that? Maybe..

Each person can be perceived in a different plane. In communication. In relationships. In each plane, each person has their own needs. We only see a fraction of the needs. But how objective is what we see, relative to what is? It always remains a mystery on both sides.

In any case, I let go and I don’t hope for anything, I don’t make plans and thoughts. This is not it. It’s not “because..” – here I will substitute my own version.

People

Nails

Saint Creature No Comments

Some people make allegories that people, or women, are like wine – they only get better with age. What if the wine has gone bad? And become vinegar? And over the years it only gets more and more sour?..

I think that certain members of the fair sex only become more toxic with age. And I see it. The poison licks off the fingertips. They say that women develop faster in adolescence than men. Well. Over time, it changes color. Do I know many interesting/handsome men around the age of 40-50? Let me think…but if I ask myself the same thing about women, I will see, first of all, toxicity. It is no longer sad, it is a fact. Sad fact? Maybe…

I will sit, watch how it will develop further. But there is a moment when you kill something inside yourself. It is as if that poison kills a tooth nerve. And it seems to me that if I was already on the path to “getting rid of the corpse,” now every word is like a nail in the coffin lid.

People Personal Thoughts

Unconditional Love

Saint Creature No Comments

I discovered the term “unconditional love” for myself. I wanted to convey a thought that is spinning in my head, but there is something that is inside you, but is not in words. And this very term reflects it at least a little. What if we remove the desire to own a person? That is, the term itself can be about different types of ownership. For example, we can rent a car, or buy and own it ourselves, or borrow it from someone. It’s still owning a car, no matter how you say it. But what is “owning a person”? Sashka said today “it would be interesting how a friend would react if some girl sent her husband a nude photo (although not hers)” to the fact that I received this same photo. And this is one side of unconditional love, which is based on trust.

From the opposite, no matter how difficult it is, but you always have to understand what will be more useful for the other person. What will be better for her. And proceed from her desire. And I can get attached to someone as much as I want, but at the same time I want the person to find their happiness with someone. You understand that in this case you will not have communication and, perhaps, there will be no time left for you. But this is precisely what this “unconditionality” is all about. That is, when you love a person not in order to get married, “sleep with them” or something else. You want a certain entity to be in the most comfortable conditions. At the same time, not wanting to get something back.

This is a rather difficult path, because you need to simultaneously respect and appreciate someone’s needs, not forget about your own needs, and balance in this universe between-between.

The world dictates to us the rules that we always have to own something. That everything has a price and every thing or person is either ours or someone else’s. Without any “buts”. Because without these rules there will be no marketing. There will be no competition. It’s like she writes that “we talked and talked until we saw old photos. You show yourself as you are – communication disappears.” Because people need an image. People need what they have drawn for themselves. They don’t need a person with their needs and problems. They need a picture. “Fucking”, if you like. Otherwise they are not interested.

The world is completely made up of marketing, and it pisses me off…

People Personal Thoughts

Come to your senses

Saint Creature No Comments

In the Ukrainian language there is a word “схаменутись”, which in English sounds like “to come to your senses”. It sometimes reminds me of Chinese, when one word in one language conveys more depth than a few words in another. It’s like just kissing someone instead of a few words, conveying the whole essence of the thought.

I was wondering the other day if this isn’t my stopping point. Isn’t it the moment, isn’t it the environment? Aren’t it the people around me when I should come to my senses and stop searching? And here you can say that this is the beginning and the end. Because you can’t stop and stop life at some point. The world is dynamic. It decides what you will have and when and with whom. The world exists in many planes simultaneously, where each person has their own universe, the events in which affect other universes. To convey the idea more clearly – it’s like the moment when you study in college and you have friends, a company. Over time, you graduate and everyone runs away. The number of variables becomes such that you can’t physically continue to exist in the same plane. In this sense, it’s funny to watch stories from movies, when there is such a term as “college friends”, who interact even after a decade or a half. I wonder, do you, readers of this blog, have many friends from college or university? Huh?..

You can see the whole universe in a person or anything, but usually the more you see in someone, the further they become from you. So you should always keep some distance. You should always have backup options. You should always remember that the world is too changeable to believe in anything in the plane of time. And while some people think about how infinite the universe as a whole is, I narrow it down to the people around you, and try to understand how these small bodies work. Because only by understanding where it all begins can you find out how it all ends.

 

Next Page »

Want more?..

Thoughts

Manifesto (smart talk’s with Daria)

People Personal

At the crossroads

People Personal

Yes, but no

Personal Thoughts

Feels