Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door…
Saint Creature I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than anytime before
I had no options left again
I hurt much more than anytime before
I had no options left again
Thoughts
Time 4 Stop
Sometimes you come to the conclusion that you just need to stop and…talk about something. Not with someone, with yourself. Because there is no time for anything. Everyone needs something, everyone is running somewhere. Again, I am glad that people turn to me with various requests and…it brings me income. It is wonderful. My plan for life is simple. To earn money with services, so that you can buy goods with them, so that you can have something more serious from their sale. Approximately the same as when I started 15 years ago. But now everything is completely different and more difficult. Therefore, you should not complain about it. You just have to go this way. Now I get tired at one in the morning, although before I could freely go to bed at four.
My psychological state has stabilized. I do not think that it is because of the pills. It is just that everything in my relationships with people has fallen into place. That is enough. Sometimes I still remember that I am like that “kettle”. Which can suddenly boil over at any time. I ask myself “what then?”. I find the strength to restrain myself from any impulses. And are there those impulses now? But I know that I am me. I have never felt stable. There are just states of remission. There are just states of exacerbation. It is difficult to say when this or that happens. Sometimes it seems that I am just waiting for an exacerbation to look for ways to solve the problem again. But I would like stability. But is it in the environment in which I live? I planned that from April I would not have days without work, because everyone will have to clean chimneys. May is ending, we cleaned, with all our might, 5 objects. Although it was supposed to be the main income. There are things that do not let me go higher. I just always miss them.
Sometimes it seems that I lean too much on this person. Too much. Something needs to be done about this. Because it’s not right. I have to be self-sufficient in everything. I don’t know how to build a relationship with this person. I’m used to understanding and planning everything.
“Who are you with the lights out?
I don’t feel right when I’m all alone
My human nature makes me a stranger
To everyone I know.
I know it’s all lies I brought to life
Now I don’t know how to be someone real
Hate that I fake the way that I feel.
Voices
Fill my head with noises
Drain me of this poison
‘Cause I’m not who you think I’ve been
Frozen
I’m someone I don’t know and
Cycle’s never broken
And I’ll die a silent stranger.”
Wherever I am, I always have the feeling that I’m running past. It’s like you’re driving on the highway, but on the side of the road. You see people, cars, and other things rushing by. Like in an old movie.
Sometimes I ask myself “what do I want?” And I don’t have an answer to this question. I just do what I have to do. To just keep living. A closed cycle.
There are many people who say that I’m easy. That you talk to me and it becomes easier for them, and as if there are no problems in general. Few people think about what the price is. I don’t know the price myself. I just feel that one day I will have to pay it.
“Let’s spend the day in bed, talk about you instead
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
Something to take off the edge,
’cause I can’t go back again
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
My head is not my friend..”
From a clean slate
Of the TV series that I liked, there was one that I didn’t talk about. I plan to watch it again to revive the memories and feelings. I remember that I liked the music in it. It’s a bit melancholic.
I was surprised that two years ago I had a post with the same name . I think the title of the post also matched the title of this series. In general, it is about a man who moves to a new city and plans to start all over again. He used to have problems with alcohol, so he tries to move away from the past and move on. But certain difficulties in life return him to his previous path, and everyone turns away from him.
I try to live life, but sometimes it’s very difficult, because all your plans and efforts are destroyed by reality, which simply does not allow you to swim to the shore. And this is not about memories of two years ago. That is, not thoughts of suicide or anything else – sometimes you just understand how difficult it is to carry this world on your shoulders. I am now further from suicide than ever, which is why it was even stranger to watch that movie the other day, with the understanding that you know how it is, and you are more scared not by what you see, but by what you want to say “oh no… you don’t do it that way, let me show you how…”.
I couldn’t erase myself from this world then, and I became curious about what it would be like if I did everything the other way around. If I tried to live it? This is life, no matter what. I’m not afraid of the TCC or checkpoints not because I believe in my status. In fact, under this status, I’m dead as a soldier. I’m more interested in something else – they caught me somewhere. Busified me. What’s next? With those electronic registers and other things…where they know more about you than you do. How will I get through the VLK and where will I end up? It would be an adventure, that’s how I feel about it.
I was given the chance to live freely, and I’m taking advantage of it. Sometimes it’s harder than I’d like. Sometimes it’s incomprehensible. But I’m trying my best…
A few more turns and the circle will close again.
..neither you nor I mind, but not a word about love!.. Read More
Statistics
As long as I blog, I am a person obsessed with statistics. That is, after publishing, I am interested in how many people have viewed it and whether they have viewed it at all. The old blog is 13 years old, there are a lot of people from different countries. I don’t know them. I don’t know who can hide behind those country names. It doesn’t matter at all who can suddenly view 10-20 pages in an evening. In a certain sense, it is voyeurism. That is, when you show yourself, but you don’t see anyone’s face. Are we all voyeurs in life?
I think not. Creative people – yes. Undoubtedly. Ordinary/other people – no. We want to be heard, seen. As if that will give us some energy that will show that we are worth something. And what we create in general.
One performer was given a classic comment under her video in the spirit of “it’s strange that there are so few subscribers/views, don’t stop and you’ll reach heights” – but no. I wonder if she knows that she doesn’t? Would she agree to it? Would she continue to be creative? Is it just a desire to become famous, or something that a person cannot live without? But a person either “flies” into the universe of showbiz or not. That is, I understand from myself that I don’t create something that will be popular. But I do it for myself. What will be popular – I do it and earn money from it. It is always important to separate one from the other.
You think that statistics are something that will allow you to understand something more. But, more often, it confuses more.
It’s not easy letting go, Feelings that I don’t know..
The song “Keep Falling” is in tune with what happened, isn’t it?…
Talk to me, talk to me…
..Won’t you make it all make sense?.. Read More
Unconditional Love
I discovered the term “unconditional love” for myself. I wanted to convey a thought that is spinning in my head, but there is something that is inside you, but is not in words. And this very term reflects it at least a little. What if we remove the desire to own a person? That is, the term itself can be about different types of ownership. For example, we can rent a car, or buy and own it ourselves, or borrow it from someone. It’s still owning a car, no matter how you say it. But what is “owning a person”? Sashka said today “it would be interesting how a friend would react if some girl sent her husband a nude photo (although not hers)” to the fact that I received this same photo. And this is one side of unconditional love, which is based on trust.
From the opposite, no matter how difficult it is, but you always have to understand what will be more useful for the other person. What will be better for her. And proceed from her desire. And I can get attached to someone as much as I want, but at the same time I want the person to find their happiness with someone. You understand that in this case you will not have communication and, perhaps, there will be no time left for you. But this is precisely what this “unconditionality” is all about. That is, when you love a person not in order to get married, “sleep with them” or something else. You want a certain entity to be in the most comfortable conditions. At the same time, not wanting to get something back.
This is a rather difficult path, because you need to simultaneously respect and appreciate someone’s needs, not forget about your own needs, and balance in this universe between-between.
The world dictates to us the rules that we always have to own something. That everything has a price and every thing or person is either ours or someone else’s. Without any “buts”. Because without these rules there will be no marketing. There will be no competition. It’s like she writes that “we talked and talked until we saw old photos. You show yourself as you are – communication disappears.” Because people need an image. People need what they have drawn for themselves. They don’t need a person with their needs and problems. They need a picture. “Fucking”, if you like. Otherwise they are not interested.
The world is completely made up of marketing, and it pisses me off…
..While you are still sleeping, while you are still me…
..the problem with working at night was that sometimes I would just turn on a song, play it in a loop, humming it softly to myself…and an hour or two would pass like that… Read More
Come to your senses
In the Ukrainian language there is a word “схаменутись”, which in English sounds like “to come to your senses”. It sometimes reminds me of Chinese, when one word in one language conveys more depth than a few words in another. It’s like just kissing someone instead of a few words, conveying the whole essence of the thought.
I was wondering the other day if this isn’t my stopping point. Isn’t it the moment, isn’t it the environment? Aren’t it the people around me when I should come to my senses and stop searching? And here you can say that this is the beginning and the end. Because you can’t stop and stop life at some point. The world is dynamic. It decides what you will have and when and with whom. The world exists in many planes simultaneously, where each person has their own universe, the events in which affect other universes. To convey the idea more clearly – it’s like the moment when you study in college and you have friends, a company. Over time, you graduate and everyone runs away. The number of variables becomes such that you can’t physically continue to exist in the same plane. In this sense, it’s funny to watch stories from movies, when there is such a term as “college friends”, who interact even after a decade or a half. I wonder, do you, readers of this blog, have many friends from college or university? Huh?..
You can see the whole universe in a person or anything, but usually the more you see in someone, the further they become from you. So you should always keep some distance. You should always have backup options. You should always remember that the world is too changeable to believe in anything in the plane of time. And while some people think about how infinite the universe as a whole is, I narrow it down to the people around you, and try to understand how these small bodies work. Because only by understanding where it all begins can you find out how it all ends.