Manifesto (smart talk’s with Daria)

“The truth is that people like you and I are self-sufficient. The fact is. That we are socially dependent is another story. But we don’t plan to “live with the whole world.” So objectively. What is the main thing for people like us in another person who should be there?
1. Acceptance of us as we are. With the need for additional communication. Will all people give us this opportunity? No.
2. The opportunity to share something and be heard. For example, your “employee” – he has not passed this test. Based on previous thoughts.
3. Warmth of relationships. We are ready to give warmth and would like to receive it. Not for a “well-executed command” (like dogs), but simply. Because they see us as a living person. So if a person does not treat you “warmly” or does not make contact – it is not that the problem is there. It is just that either you do not have a connection, or the person does not perceive you (read point 2).
4. Shared leisure. An important point. Because without shared activities, there is no relationship. And this is about whether you either go somewhere together and like it, or watch/listen/read something that you can talk about later.
5. The future. In general, this is not about “our” relationships, but relationships in general. People should see a common future. In a common place. In a common reality. If people at our age do not see a common future, it means that they have already set different paths. They will not change over time. They will simply diverge even more. Therefore, at this stage, it is important to share and hear about how a person sees himself in 5-10 years, conditional.

It would seem that this is all about the “basics”, but we neglect about 3 points out of 5 every time, and think that the problem is us. But the problem is not us, but that you are simply different people. With different ideas/attitudes towards life.”

At the crossroads

Two days, two attempts, two chances. Not so. Zero chances. Because we always remain ourselves. I told Daria about this – our problem is that even when we try/want to be or look like someone else, we return to the fact that our behavior does not change, because we are us. In every sense. I asked myself what Sa would do. She recommended being ourselves. In the worst possible way. And these are nails, a provocative earring (two?), and… a gender-neutral T-shirt. Everything we like.

Sa plays her own game…it’s not about wanting to please someone, it’s about wanting to please yourself. To be yourself in that rare moment. Your worse or better half?..gentle. First and foremost.

I would like to learn to pretend to be someone else. Convenient at times. Understanding at times. But I am me. With all the pros and cons. No, I don’t consider the way I sometimes look or perceive myself to be a disadvantage. Quite the opposite.

Sa will not disappear anywhere. From me. From this universe. Because she is the last fuse that saves me from everything that happened then. Sa is an alternative “me” that wanted to live. Which said “I will teach you how to have fun and be yourself. How to make plans and look to the future. How to live despite how difficult it is sometimes”. Music, movies, books, anything else – it doesn’t matter. What is important is the understanding that sometimes I am more Sa than myself. These are not days of mourning, these are days of celebration. As if it were your birthday. Artificial, but okay. I love these days. Shall we have a celebration?..

Yes, but no

It’s amazing how my perception and thoughts can change from evening to morning, or rather, day. With my thoughts and actions, I remind myself right now of some maniac who is looking for a victim. The question is whether he is “looking for”, and what exactly is a “victim”. Because the fact is a fact…

Is my world, in this sense, divided into two points of view? And no. Because sometimes it seems that Sa is just waiting to insert his “what the hell?!”. The other half is trying to copulate herself in a state of alcoholic intoxication. Therefore, one thing in the evening, another in the morning. Despite all sorts of coincidences.

We could, of course, add an inferiority complex here. But why? This complex is worthless, just like I am now. Yes, in a sense I am a (good?) hardworking person, but honesty and everything else are not worth anything now. I don’t have any other currency in me. Nevertheless, pride is still there. That’s why I allow myself to do something for someone for free, despite the fact that I desperately need money to pay off my debts now. Because this is my freedom. The day I say the phrase “sorry, but I can’t do it for free, because..” – kill me. I won’t need someone like that…

Maybe I’m just not focused on money? I mean, to somehow earn it en masse and in general? And do I think I should be like that? Maybe..

Each person can be perceived in a different plane. In communication. In relationships. In each plane, each person has their own needs. We only see a fraction of the needs. But how objective is what we see, relative to what is? It always remains a mystery on both sides.

In any case, I let go and I don’t hope for anything, I don’t make plans and thoughts. This is not it. It’s not “because..” – here I will substitute my own version.

Feels

In fact, it already feels like you’re alone with the world. Technically, I’ve always been alone with it. I might have made mistakes in certain decisions, but I didn’t feel supported on certain issues that were critical to me “in the moment.” I always asked myself “what if it were different?”

It doesn’t matter if you’re left alone with the whole world or a small town – you become more cautious. On the one hand. On the other… when you’re alone – your hands are untied in every sense. The decisions you make will be exclusively yours. Even if they’re wrong. The world consists of a multitude of illusions, each of which creates some kind of protection in your imagination. Which, in reality, never exists. In general, I wasn’t protected, not from the arbitrariness of doctors, not from myself, not from the bunch of mistakes that were made. Did they have them? I don’t know…

We create a feeling in ourselves that there is someone nearby. He will be able to solve critical issues. Help in a difficult situation. Just be there. We are always looking for someone who will help us “go through this world” more easily. But I feel that I have taken on so many different…strange things for others that in general I will probably remain alone. Simply because this world does not accept people like me. People who accept are even scarier than me. And much more..

We get used to a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave. But sometimes it happens that outside this comfort zone there is another world. It may be good for us, it may not. You won’t know until you try. I gave myself a deadline of “until 40 years old”. Let’s try to increase it somehow. Change life, find new meanings. Because there is a feeling that now is the time. I would like to stop being afraid and thinking about how I will be perceived or what they will think of me. If I look this way or that way. If I just be myself. The world around me is, of course, big and evil. But is it eviler than me?..

On happiness among people of high spiritual development

“As before – I think the exact opposite. That is, the lower a person’s vision is, the… easier it is for them to live. When visualizing, just imagine it as a horizon. The further the views open up to you – the harder you see your path, because there are mountains, stones, rivers. If you “fly low” and see only the road ahead of some trees – everything seems easier/simpler to you. As an example – I think that the saddest people would be those who knew how they would die. Currently, I relate to them, in the sense that my current vision of life shows that it is not from some disease. There was a strange time, a long time ago, when I wanted to get sick with something incurable in order to have “clear deadlines”.

But returning to people who knew how they would end up in general – they knew how it would end, and would constantly think about it. The same goes for us – we constantly think about “what’s a little further over the horizon”, and we understand that in some places we still won’t know everything. Therefore… I guess we just have to live by desire. By the present. Do you want to get a divorce? Get a divorce! You can get married again tomorrow, or maybe with the same person, if your paths cross again, but in the moment, right now – do what you want. Because only in this way will you remain, albeit conditionally, happy. When you do not do what you have or what is expected of you, but what you want yourself, inside…

Things

There are things you want to ask a person directly, but you already know the answer to that question in your head.

In our head there is always an “ideal” version of events. Which never happens. Because we start from it. And everything you imagine and everything you will have are always different things. Everything you voiced to someone will not come true simply because you voiced it. And internally you look for all the ways to make it different.

I am not waiting for this option for two reasons. The first is that it is questionable. The second is that it is idealized from the point of view of internal perception. The third is that there is a third. you always plan one thing and choose another. Because “in the moment” you are alone, but in life… life is full of surprises.

I think she doesn’t need me. Just like Kas was unnecessary when there were two realities – one where we meet the dawn together, and another where the dawn is a nuclear explosion.

Sometimes people tell you that certain things take time. But in the moment there is no time. There is no time in you. Because you live in the present. And it flies by, somewhere buzzing, outside the window…

0

Strangely, people want me to promise them that I won’t disappear from their lives. Strangely, it only pushes them to do so, because…they don’t trust me. My thoughts, my words. Me. That’s how I perceive it now.

I don’t like this house because, sorry, you can’t jerk off without someone coming in. I value individuality and it’s…very uncomfortable…

In general, I probably really don’t want to see, hear, or know anyone right now. And even with Kas I set boundaries. This is communication on topics related to the weather or similar. Because I know how people’s brains work. Because I know how virtual becomes not virtual for people. I just want peace. For myself. I need to get myself together, sort out the house, things…food…

Everyone thinks about themselves. How will they be without me. Nobody thinks about me as me….