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In fact, it already feels like you’re alone with the world. Technically, I’ve always been alone with it. I might have made mistakes in certain decisions, but I didn’t feel supported on certain issues that were critical to me “in the moment.” I always asked myself “what if it were different?”

It doesn’t matter if you’re left alone with the whole world or a small town – you become more cautious. On the one hand. On the other… when you’re alone – your hands are untied in every sense. The decisions you make will be exclusively yours. Even if they’re wrong. The world consists of a multitude of illusions, each of which creates some kind of protection in your imagination. Which, in reality, never exists. In general, I wasn’t protected, not from the arbitrariness of doctors, not from myself, not from the bunch of mistakes that were made. Did they have them? I don’t know…

We create a feeling in ourselves that there is someone nearby. He will be able to solve critical issues. Help in a difficult situation. Just be there. We are always looking for someone who will help us “go through this world” more easily. But I feel that I have taken on so many different…strange things for others that in general I will probably remain alone. Simply because this world does not accept people like me. People who accept are even scarier than me. And much more..

We get used to a comfort zone that we don’t want to leave. But sometimes it happens that outside this comfort zone there is another world. It may be good for us, it may not. You won’t know until you try. I gave myself a deadline of “until 40 years old”. Let’s try to increase it somehow. Change life, find new meanings. Because there is a feeling that now is the time. I would like to stop being afraid and thinking about how I will be perceived or what they will think of me. If I look this way or that way. If I just be myself. The world around me is, of course, big and evil. But is it eviler than me?..

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On happiness among people of high spiritual development

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“As before – I think the exact opposite. That is, the lower a person’s vision is, the… easier it is for them to live. When visualizing, just imagine it as a horizon. The further the views open up to you – the harder you see your path, because there are mountains, stones, rivers. If you “fly low” and see only the road ahead of some trees – everything seems easier/simpler to you. As an example – I think that the saddest people would be those who knew how they would die. Currently, I relate to them, in the sense that my current vision of life shows that it is not from some disease. There was a strange time, a long time ago, when I wanted to get sick with something incurable in order to have “clear deadlines”.

But returning to people who knew how they would end up in general – they knew how it would end, and would constantly think about it. The same goes for us – we constantly think about “what’s a little further over the horizon”, and we understand that in some places we still won’t know everything. Therefore… I guess we just have to live by desire. By the present. Do you want to get a divorce? Get a divorce! You can get married again tomorrow, or maybe with the same person, if your paths cross again, but in the moment, right now – do what you want. Because only in this way will you remain, albeit conditionally, happy. When you do not do what you have or what is expected of you, but what you want yourself, inside…

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There are things you want to ask a person directly, but you already know the answer to that question in your head.

In our head there is always an “ideal” version of events. Which never happens. Because we start from it. And everything you imagine and everything you will have are always different things. Everything you voiced to someone will not come true simply because you voiced it. And internally you look for all the ways to make it different.

I am not waiting for this option for two reasons. The first is that it is questionable. The second is that it is idealized from the point of view of internal perception. The third is that there is a third. you always plan one thing and choose another. Because “in the moment” you are alone, but in life… life is full of surprises.

I think she doesn’t need me. Just like Kas was unnecessary when there were two realities – one where we meet the dawn together, and another where the dawn is a nuclear explosion.

Sometimes people tell you that certain things take time. But in the moment there is no time. There is no time in you. Because you live in the present. And it flies by, somewhere buzzing, outside the window…

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Strangely, people want me to promise them that I won’t disappear from their lives. Strangely, it only pushes them to do so, because…they don’t trust me. My thoughts, my words. Me. That’s how I perceive it now.

I don’t like this house because, sorry, you can’t jerk off without someone coming in. I value individuality and it’s…very uncomfortable…

In general, I probably really don’t want to see, hear, or know anyone right now. And even with Kas I set boundaries. This is communication on topics related to the weather or similar. Because I know how people’s brains work. Because I know how virtual becomes not virtual for people. I just want peace. For myself. I need to get myself together, sort out the house, things…food…

Everyone thinks about themselves. How will they be without me. Nobody thinks about me as me….

Thoughts

Time 4 Stop

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Sometimes you come to the conclusion that you just need to stop and…talk about something. Not with someone, with yourself. Because there is no time for anything. Everyone needs something, everyone is running somewhere. Again, I am glad that people turn to me with various requests and…it brings me income. It is wonderful. My plan for life is simple. To earn money with services, so that you can buy goods with them, so that you can have something more serious from their sale. Approximately the same as when I started 15 years ago. But now everything is completely different and more difficult. Therefore, you should not complain about it. You just have to go this way. Now I get tired at one in the morning, although before I could freely go to bed at four.

My psychological state has stabilized. I do not think that it is because of the pills. It is just that everything in my relationships with people has fallen into place. That is enough. Sometimes I still remember that I am like that “kettle”. Which can suddenly boil over at any time. I ask myself “what then?”. I find the strength to restrain myself from any impulses. And are there those impulses now? But I know that I am me. I have never felt stable. There are just states of remission. There are just states of exacerbation. It is difficult to say when this or that happens. Sometimes it seems that I am just waiting for an exacerbation to look for ways to solve the problem again. But I would like stability. But is it in the environment in which I live? I planned that from April I would not have days without work, because everyone will have to clean chimneys. May is ending, we cleaned, with all our might, 5 objects. Although it was supposed to be the main income. There are things that do not let me go higher. I just always miss them.

Sometimes it seems that I lean too much on this person. Too much. Something needs to be done about this. Because it’s not right. I have to be self-sufficient in everything. I don’t know how to build a relationship with this person. I’m used to understanding and planning everything.

“Who are you with the lights out?
I don’t feel right when I’m all alone
My human nature makes me a stranger
To everyone I know.
I know it’s all lies I brought to life
Now I don’t know how to be someone real
Hate that I fake the way that I feel.

Voices
Fill my head with noises
Drain me of this poison
‘Cause I’m not who you think I’ve been

Frozen
I’m someone I don’t know and
Cycle’s never broken
And I’ll die a silent stranger.”

Wherever I am, I always have the feeling that I’m running past. It’s like you’re driving on the highway, but on the side of the road. You see people, cars, and other things rushing by. Like in an old movie.

Sometimes I ask myself “what do I want?” And I don’t have an answer to this question. I just do what I have to do. To just keep living. A closed cycle.

There are many people who say that I’m easy. That you talk to me and it becomes easier for them, and as if there are no problems in general. Few people think about what the price is. I don’t know the price myself. I just feel that one day I will have to pay it.

“Let’s spend the day in bed, talk about you instead
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
Something to take off the edge,
’cause I can’t go back again
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
My head is not my friend..”

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