Rat race

Sometimes the interaction of two people resembles a race. As in sports or dance, there is one who leads and one who allows himself to be led. That is, two diverse forces. Let’s turn to physics. If two forces move at different speeds, but one of the forces makes a jump, does this mean that they will align and continue their journey side by side? I will answer right away – no.

The thing is that the impulse we give to an object is not a fixed unit. There was once a girl I liked. But the problem (from my point of view) was that I didn’t have money for flowers and stuff. You could have asked her if she needed them, but you learn from how the universe works, from other people’s experiences, because it’s shown in movies or described in books. So you make these flowers an important part of the relationship. Reasoning has led to the fact that it’s not a problem to go to work and earn money. The problem is that there are certain elements that, from the starting position, on your part, require action from you. Reasoning moves into the plane of “but if a person doesn’t need you without these actions, then a person doesn’t need you, but what these actions will give them.”

In general, it resembles buying a phone. When you look at a model in a store for $500, and a model $30 more expensive is better, and $50 more expensive is even better. And now you no longer think about the one that cost $500, but you admire the one that is a “dream model”, but costs $580. And you buy it. Translating this into a more understandable plane – by increasing your speed, or value, you, at the same time, reduce the speed/value of another object that you are trying to catch up with. That is, it, in your understanding, depreciates.

Basically, being in different conditions, the two forces cannot coexist side by side. Either the first will constantly pull the second forward, or the second will stop the first from moving forward.

This takes me back to 2007. You can love endlessly and dissolve in a person, finding in them a whole universe, and dividing the world in which you live into two halves. Equal for each. But as in yesterday’s story about different planes, here it is the same – your universes coexist only in one plane – of thoughts and communication. An attempt to go beyond the boundaries of communication ends fatally, because you understand the difference of these very worlds. It’s about some things that you cannot agree with, because they were not built into your “firmware”.

As in any other case, I ask myself the question – could it be otherwise? Is there some neutral side? A neutral territory where two energies can coexist? It reminds me, for some reason, of the life of a conditional stewardess and a plumber. When the first knows that she can return home. That there is a fixed term “home”. Where it is cozy. Where she is always expected. Where there is food, there are freshly cut flowers on the table. Because Mario grows them in the winter garden. The second knows that he needs to maintain this very comfort. It is not for nothing that Mario is given as an example here – he has to watch “the castle for the princess”.

In 2007, we were both 17. And you had one perception. Now…at 17 you look for reasons, at 36 you look for ways. You don’t want to believe that the world is flat and any situation has only 1 solution. The question is whether this solution is necessary only for you.

Random fact

I have always had it easier with people who are not accepted by society, because such people accepted me. I accept people as they are. Any. Except for those who commit violence against others. They should burn in hell, of course. In turn, this unspoken rule applies to me too – you don’t need to wear a mask. You are just who you are.

Therefore, “your people”, or “your person” – will always come across your path. No matter how long or short it may be. Just look not among those who do not understand – but among those who are on the same wavelength.

Planes

We can perceive any person as close as possible, but each person exists in several planes. One plane is our conversations. Another plane is the worldview. Another plane is the family, from one side, from the other. And there are many such planes. In each of us. And, that is, we perceive a person as close, but this happens in one plane. But we perceive it as if it happens in all directions at once. Then “something wrong” happens, and our perception changes. It changes in relation to this very part. But internally we perceive it as something that has changed globally and as a whole…

Between the Windows

I know/like to find some signs (even where there are none). Same with this butterfly. It got stuck between the windows, although I thought it was sitting on the outside window. I feel about the same way – like stuck between two windows. One half of you says – you are self-sufficient, you don’t need anyone. The other says – you need someone.

In general, you just keep sitting between the windows, waiting for… some sign? Not sure…

Grandmother Miguel de Cervantes

Grandmother de Cervantes had every chance of being the first one that I would (attempt?) somehow restore.

Well…for now, it’s just a matter of fixing it up. Because I like it. My guy. It’s just a little shabby…I’d like to return the look of the wood to…wood. The hinges to the hinges. The mirrors to…mirrors?. Cover it with oil and wax and you’ll be happy. But I think those are far-fetched plans. For now, at least just start using it for its intended purpose.

The (almost) bachelor’s house is so…strange. The ceiling is black because the stove “smoked” when the uncle heated it and…left the house. Some might say it’s dirt. But for me it’s just a “creative ceiling”. You’ll probably see more than one photo where I use it as a decorative element. Like old wallpaper. Because for some, what’s gloomy is for us inspiration.

Yes. And now we definitely need to cook food…

Manifesto (smart talk’s with Daria)

“The truth is that people like you and I are self-sufficient. The fact is. That we are socially dependent is another story. But we don’t plan to “live with the whole world.” So objectively. What is the main thing for people like us in another person who should be there?
1. Acceptance of us as we are. With the need for additional communication. Will all people give us this opportunity? No.
2. The opportunity to share something and be heard. For example, your “employee” – he has not passed this test. Based on previous thoughts.
3. Warmth of relationships. We are ready to give warmth and would like to receive it. Not for a “well-executed command” (like dogs), but simply. Because they see us as a living person. So if a person does not treat you “warmly” or does not make contact – it is not that the problem is there. It is just that either you do not have a connection, or the person does not perceive you (read point 2).
4. Shared leisure. An important point. Because without shared activities, there is no relationship. And this is about whether you either go somewhere together and like it, or watch/listen/read something that you can talk about later.
5. The future. In general, this is not about “our” relationships, but relationships in general. People should see a common future. In a common place. In a common reality. If people at our age do not see a common future, it means that they have already set different paths. They will not change over time. They will simply diverge even more. Therefore, at this stage, it is important to share and hear about how a person sees himself in 5-10 years, conditional.

It would seem that this is all about the “basics”, but we neglect about 3 points out of 5 every time, and think that the problem is us. But the problem is not us, but that you are simply different people. With different ideas/attitudes towards life.”

At the crossroads

Two days, two attempts, two chances. Not so. Zero chances. Because we always remain ourselves. I told Daria about this – our problem is that even when we try/want to be or look like someone else, we return to the fact that our behavior does not change, because we are us. In every sense. I asked myself what Sa would do. She recommended being ourselves. In the worst possible way. And these are nails, a provocative earring (two?), and… a gender-neutral T-shirt. Everything we like.

Sa plays her own game…it’s not about wanting to please someone, it’s about wanting to please yourself. To be yourself in that rare moment. Your worse or better half?..gentle. First and foremost.

I would like to learn to pretend to be someone else. Convenient at times. Understanding at times. But I am me. With all the pros and cons. No, I don’t consider the way I sometimes look or perceive myself to be a disadvantage. Quite the opposite.

Sa will not disappear anywhere. From me. From this universe. Because she is the last fuse that saves me from everything that happened then. Sa is an alternative “me” that wanted to live. Which said “I will teach you how to have fun and be yourself. How to make plans and look to the future. How to live despite how difficult it is sometimes”. Music, movies, books, anything else – it doesn’t matter. What is important is the understanding that sometimes I am more Sa than myself. These are not days of mourning, these are days of celebration. As if it were your birthday. Artificial, but okay. I love these days. Shall we have a celebration?..

Yes, but no

It’s amazing how my perception and thoughts can change from evening to morning, or rather, day. With my thoughts and actions, I remind myself right now of some maniac who is looking for a victim. The question is whether he is “looking for”, and what exactly is a “victim”. Because the fact is a fact…

Is my world, in this sense, divided into two points of view? And no. Because sometimes it seems that Sa is just waiting to insert his “what the hell?!”. The other half is trying to copulate herself in a state of alcoholic intoxication. Therefore, one thing in the evening, another in the morning. Despite all sorts of coincidences.

We could, of course, add an inferiority complex here. But why? This complex is worthless, just like I am now. Yes, in a sense I am a (good?) hardworking person, but honesty and everything else are not worth anything now. I don’t have any other currency in me. Nevertheless, pride is still there. That’s why I allow myself to do something for someone for free, despite the fact that I desperately need money to pay off my debts now. Because this is my freedom. The day I say the phrase “sorry, but I can’t do it for free, because..” – kill me. I won’t need someone like that…

Maybe I’m just not focused on money? I mean, to somehow earn it en masse and in general? And do I think I should be like that? Maybe..

Each person can be perceived in a different plane. In communication. In relationships. In each plane, each person has their own needs. We only see a fraction of the needs. But how objective is what we see, relative to what is? It always remains a mystery on both sides.

In any case, I let go and I don’t hope for anything, I don’t make plans and thoughts. This is not it. It’s not “because..” – here I will substitute my own version.