Listening to Okean Elzy’s “Don’t Ask,” I remembered a trip when one person disappeared from sight for a bit, and it was unclear whether a drone had flown over their factory or something else had happened. There are words in this song: “I just want to be where you are.” And, accordingly, I thought about the fact that recently another person said to me: “What about you? We just met. How can you want something right away, some kind of relationship or something else, if we haven’t even seen each other?”
I thought that for a person with ASD and ADHD, you want to see stability even in the fact that you are getting to know someone. That is, at the initial stage of getting to know someone (if the person responds, if you have reciprocity), you want to see stability. You perceive that this is already technically the beginning of a relationship. You are no longer looking for another person, you do not think that there is someone else, you delete your profile from applications. That is, you have already chosen a person because you are so comfortable. You are comfortable building a relationship with this person who has reciprocated you.
Yes, maybe something won’t work out for you. Maybe something won’t work out, but it will later. When it doesn’t work out and suddenly it doesn’t work out, then you will perceive internally that it didn’t work out. But at the stage when you start communicating like this, you see reciprocity, you believe that this is already the beginning of your relationship. And, accordingly, you get used to the person, you perceive them as something that you are building together with them, that there is already something between you.
For normal people without this ASD and ADHD, in this sense it is easier. They perceive it somehow easier, simpler – that it is just communication. You can flirt, you can somehow discuss there. There are some things that may be, may not be. You simply perceive that person as something like a story from a book.
You take it very seriously. That is, if a person says: “We’ll go to the water park there someday,” you think about how realistic it is, what is needed for this. You don’t just go to buy tickets, but at the same time you start planning internally, because your comfort zone is always when you control the situation, when you understand what will happen next, what will happen tomorrow and all that. That is, your world can exist in comfort only if you understand where you will be tomorrow, in a sense, where you will live tomorrow, with whom you will live tomorrow, what will happen between you and in general.
It’s not hard for you to accept that a person may have children or someone else, or some problems, debts, and so on. It doesn’t matter. You just accept that a person has all this, and you just think: “Okay, we’ll deal with this, yes, we’ll deal with this, yes, and with this we’ll do this, this, and this.” That is, roughly speaking, when a person says that they have children, you start thinking: “Okay, how can we find our mutual understanding with their children? Is it to take some game that you will play with them together, that is, get to know each other through the fact that you are playing something together.”
Accordingly, for people like me, building relationships is a little different than for people who met at a bar, hung out, and, accordingly, today they slept together, tomorrow they broke up, and the day after tomorrow they’re nobody.
And in my opinion, for something to be sexual between you, you have to have some kind of emotional connection. If there is, it’s about one thing. If there isn’t, then sex is not interesting, it’s not perceived as something that you want to share, to be for the person. You need a feeling that you and the person are together, you are on the same wavelength, you are about one whole. It’s not about “ownership”. It’s about you just knowing that you have each other.
Saint Creature