Experience

Today at Threads, I was asked in a conversation if I was planning to return to dating apps. By the way, I never finished writing a post about them and my experience. But let’s get back to the point.

I was leaving the store in the rain. I was listening to Die for You by From Ashes to New in my headphones. The Fit version. And suddenly I had an answer – why wouldn’t I go back there? During this time, I had a certain number of conversations with “plans”. Around Kvi, I caught myself thinking that I would need about 2-3 experiences to learn how to “control” my communication, not to fall head over heels in love with a person. So that she would be comfortable communicating with me. But first of all, I was supposed to meet Kvi after her vacation. That didn’t happen. That was my first “serious” acquaintance with the prospects of the future and plans. I was planning to move to Kyiv (where she was from), settle down. A bunch of plans, in short. And I promised myself that I would hold out until the meeting. Then it would mean that I could not mess up in communication for… three weeks. But that didn’t happen. I deleted the match. Then I explained why I deleted it. But the person took it as weakness, and…she didn’t need weaklings.

Then there were a few more people. In total, those in whom I saw something were probably 2. Or 3. With whom I communicated for more than a week. We don’t count less. Marie was “with a joke”. My mother had something in the spirit of OCD or something similar. My father too. So she’s still a fruit. I won’t go into details, but now I have a coffee maker that was supposed to go to her. Because I wanted to please a person. But…but. In addition, I had to move to Zhytomyr region, but…I was ready for that if necessary. But over time. However, it didn’t grow together.

The last one…this is the most interesting case. I was ready for anything. And for some reason, internally, I perceived that this was the last person. What did this mean to me? That it was either her or no one else. We came together in creativity. A funny example – she wanted a photo shoot in the spirit of The Addams Family. I agreed. But I was supposed to be Martisha, and she was Gomez (because it was more suitable in terms of physique). Considering my creativity, there was nothing strange in that for me. Synchronization. Strong. But the desynchronization, which I didn’t notice, was even stronger. However…what difference did it make if it was “the same person?”..She has two children, one with certain health problems. But I was ready to help with that too. When it turned out that the child was not being let out of school alone, and we had to look for options, one of the things she said concerned a nanny. I was ready to send her “immediately” the 6,000 that had been set aside for the trip and our first meeting. Because I sincerely wanted to help the person. But…she didn’t need it. In general, she didn’t need anyone’s help. I, in a certain sense, came to the conclusion that I and the relationship with me were also not needed. Strange presentations followed in the spirit of “you can’t help everyone. Including relatives”. This was one of the “last” moments that I was already tired of closing my eyes to and smoothing out the corners in our communication. It seemed to me that we always found a compromise, but…I found it. Cutting off the next piece from myself, and…she swallowed this piece. We were supposed to meet with her this week. But it didn’t happen. Was it my fault? Well…I’m sorry, I didn’t have any pieces left. But that’s not all.

There was a crazy story about how one day she disappeared from communication. And I knew that she worked at a factory and, according to her, could fly there. I worked all day, continuing to earn money for the trip. That day I earned 2000, technically it was half the trip. In the evening I got nervous. All I wanted was for this “same” chance not to be lost. I felt that something could happen to her. And I was afraid that life, as in the case of my child, would take away what I saw as my universe. Yes. I can become attached to a person simply through communication. Disappeared. Fear. I went to search. Google knows everything. Found the phone number. Wrote an SMS with the text “is she alive??”. The story is silent about further conversation, accusations of “stalking” and so on. But here we return to the song.

I believed in this “chance” so much that I promised myself – if something happens to her, I… will try to return to the army again. If desired, even a “dismissed” can return to the ranks, isn’t this a land of opportunities? And that’s what I was talking about. I was driving home. I almost roared, listening to Okean Elza’s “Don’t Ask”. In a literal sense, I was ready, almost, to die for the person. She didn’t appreciate it. Not in any sense.

I saw in every person I became attached to a whole world and was ready to become for each person what they needed. To change themselves. Place of residence. Work. Expand the horizons of interests. But this last case, when I “cut off” all parts of myself, just to show that…it’s not worth it. These dating apps are not worth it. These people are not worth it. There is a “I”. And this “I” does not mean that it should be in the first place, but the reference point should be on it. And for another person you are either comfortable, or…you will never become one. And the question is not in common hobbies or meetings – it’s deeper. You are either comfortable by default or not. And yes, for your sake – no one will even just cross the street to the other side. The street that you can build for this person. Therefore, apps and people in them are a waste of time, nothing more.

Do you want something serious? Meet a person. Point one. The sooner you meet, the sooner you will either have chemistry or “nih…imia”. All these conversations online for weeks, sluts-voices, other “phone sex” – about nothing. It came out of the void – that’s where it will go.

I’m not against normal relationships with normal people. But fuck apps. Fuck tons of text in online conversations (and I can do that, it’s not for nothing that I have 4 blogs, not counting other platforms). Fuck people who don’t know what they want. There’s you. There’s another person. You either fit in or you don’t. You love each other or you never will. Only a meeting can decide this, again. Let’s go back to the 90s, when everything happened like that…

The song itself is here:

“Will you make me pay in blood for all my debts?
I should have known (I should have known) to get this close
But I love to feel your hands around my neck
And now I try to hold my breath with your knife inside my chest
So we can try to feel alive again

All that I’ve done for you was never enough for you
Over and over, I’m not gonna die for you
Should I give up on you? Could we find something new?
Over and over, I’m not gonna die for you, die for you”