thoughts

Thoughts

Debt

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Despite all the “vile” (phantom?) luxury, we are going through hard times. Because in one place it may seem that we can afford everything, but to pay for what I can earn quick money on – I will go into credit debts. Just knowing that today it is a debt – tomorrow earnings. From a psychological point of view it is difficult, because every time you spoil your nerves by always owing something to someone. On the other hand, sometimes there is simply no other way.

I used to constantly do what I could get into debt one month, and get out of it the next. Because I always knew what I could earn. It was my only talent – to know the price of certain things. That is why I was interested in everything. Because everything has its price. And sometimes, everyone also has its price. Isn’t it interesting how much a human soul costs? How much someone’s honesty costs? How much someone’s truth costs?

To find out, I also got into debt. And now I’m trying with all my might to get out of one.

Life Thoughts

Hell

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When we arrived at our unit, we were greeted by the sign above the entrance “Welcome to Hell.”

Sometimes it seems to me that my life is going to hell, although I hear a machine-gun fire outside the window, an explosion from a shot down target or an incoming flight, and I understand that life cannot go where it already is. So… is it so scary to die with debts? I think not. It’s unpleasant, but not fatal. I try to solve all the issues at the same time. The bank reports “strange things with my account,” and sometimes I’m left wondering – which will come first, a house arrest or card blocking? Oh…

As for someone who wanted to finish the year without debts and loans – I took on (too) big a burden, which I have to somehow bear. I need to somehow survive these two months, not burn out in all this (I mean in employment), take it all out and emerge victorious. And I believe that it will be easier for me from spring, because there will be a full-time job, I will be able to fully establish myself and… I still have to reach it. In every sense.

I made a big bet. I actually bet everything on the idea that I would be a chimney sweep. They asked me, “Sa, what are you sure about?” and I answered – on what I do physically. Because that’s the only thing that’s real. Only what you do with your hands, they can’t take away from you. Because you do it yourself. With these same hands. And I believed in this idea so much that we had Zhuzhik. In fact, for the last savings. Another scrap of savings went to a lithium battery for him, which hasn’t arrived yet. It’s funny, but it can cost almost half of its cost.

We will have almost no work in the winter, so you shouldn’t expect me to take anything out in the winter. Yes, a couple of jobs may happen. But this is not something that will save my financial situation. Something that will save it a little – I do it anyway. As much as I can afford it.

I need a person, but right now they are not in my environment. I say to myself “oh… there is this one” – but I catch myself thinking that this or that one will not give me right now what I need from him or her. Those who are there need my attention themselves, not the other way around. And I want some kind of support, or a physical presence. I would like to find a “ghost person” – someone to share music with. Someone with whom we could run into something via Steam, three or four of us. A living person, not that’s all. But I don’t have the resources right now to think about it right away. I’m even afraid to write to a local group about whether there are even such “dinosaurs” like us who play something cooperative at 30+ years old. Although… I finally took a risk. Let’s see…

Thoughts

Stronger

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The last few days have been very difficult and I feel like I lack some kind of support. But on the other hand, I don’t need it, because I don’t know what it should be. There is no force that would change anything in my life more than I can do on my own. But sometimes I don’t have enough strength to drag this world along.

Today, as an example, I was stopped by the police for the first time in my life. For…driving a three-wheeled electric scooter. I didn’t break anything, the scooter has a 1.5 kW engine and, accordingly, is not a mechanical vehicle according to our laws, so it doesn’t require registration and a license, but, at the same time, that’s exactly what they asked me for. Why? Because there was nothing else to complain about. I was driving according to the rules, the lights were on, I turned on the turn signal where it should be, we were both riding in helmets. Moreover, they specifically drove after us and caught up with us by about 1.5-2 kilometres. That is, they were driving after us purposefully. It’s hard to say whether it was to see if I was eligible for military service and why I’m still not fighting (they even asked me about the reason for my exclusion from the register), or to ask about the new transport in the city, but they let me go without any written or verbal warning. It’s hard to say what it was, but it’s unpleasant.

Often the world is tougher on us than it should be, because today, epically, I was almost hit by a car that didn’t let me through when I was driving on the main road. No matter how you say it, everyone is always “right” except me. Life? Ugh…

Thoughts

My World

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I am a very soft person. And it is difficult for me because people are used to using it. You can even imagine how they see me as a fool who is being played by them. But the world is full of people who perceive kindness as weakness.

I once said that Sa is the part of me that softens my character. My cruelty. But, also, Sa is the part of me that protects me. And in such cases, it teaches me to take a tough position, defending my point of view. So… this work is exactly about that. About the fact that you need to listen to yourself, not others. And to value, first of all, yourself and those who are really close to you.

And everyone else should know their place in your world.

Art Photos Thoughts

Why Not?

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I am haunted by Vinny’s words that she is scared of my hobby of dressing up as a woman. I explained to her and we understood each other that this is not a hobby of dressing up, but about creating an image that I use for shooting. That is, I need a model – and I become one. But the internal “yin-yang” are constantly dissatisfied with something, and this happened here too, when I was lying in the bathroom yesterday after creativity and thinking that… I can’t stand my dirty (after work) hands.

I feel like some kind of a wimp who walks around in torn clothes, constantly drunk, dirty. Inside, I felt disgusted by the understanding that I cannot make myself “gender neutral” after work – that is, a simple man with just clean, trimmed nails. And I went from the opposite – if there is something that gives me away as “too manly”, something should be opposed to it. So I decided to try painting my nails. Not in the sense of doing a manicure, painting everything in one colour. No. I’m talking about decorating. Today, as an example, I painted half of two nails on each hand. Because I thought it would be interesting that it would look painted on one side, and on the other “with a hint” of the fact that I cracked my fingers with a hammer somewhere, and the nail turned black.

This doesn’t mean that I will constantly and every day come up with something new – no. But if I have a desire, or if there is some design idea – I will implement it. Because this is me – it is a part of me.

I am increasingly reminded of Dizzy from Guilty Gear. I even had the idea of ​​getting a tattoo with her, on one half of the wing where Necro is, write “Saint”, on the other with Undine – “Crea”. Who knows, maybe someday…

People Personal Thoughts

The Law of Equivalent Exchange

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I would like to apply “The Law of Equivalent Exchange” to relationships between people. It is easy to use in this area, because in order to fully replace a person, you should not just switch to another or find another communication – this person should evoke in you the same emotions that the previous one evokes, and what you get from him should also be no less than what you received from the previous one. Under any other circumstances, this is just a “colouring of colours”, which mixes feelings, but does not give the same result.

Is it destructive to trust another person? Yes, more than! Because the more we trust someone, the more sadness will come to us from the understanding that the person did not share this trust. And in general, most people should not be trusted too much, because… they still remain people.

I think that any individual relationship is unique in itself. Because it is a certain chemistry. And this chemistry cannot be transferred to any other plane. The similarity of names, habits, musical tastes of two people does not give us a similar experience from communicating with them. Therefore, it is impossible to replace someone with someone. And what is the result? The result is a hole that remains in us from meeting a new person. Over time, this hole has a chance to heal a little, but the experience from interaction remains with us forever. Like a scar from a bullet that hit us. Only the bullet remains in us physically, and people remain in our thoughts.

A significant part of me says that I do not need communication with anyone right now, no matter how much I internally feel that I need it. And, in the end, I would prefer to be alone than to trust someone again, to have this state that I have now again.

I remembered one song, and I think it’s about her now…

“There’s a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Although we won’t ever meet, I’ll remember your name

Can’t believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I can think of a kind thing to say
But I don’t think I can
So fuck you anyway”

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