thoughts

People Thoughts

Drop by drop

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Once I was acquainted with a girl from whom I received a “signature”. She cost me a laptop. We agreed that when she received the laptop – she would send me money. But she never sent it to me. I trusted her very much, and… this trust cost money. But that’s not the point. She had a signature under a nickname. The phrase. “When all the rats ran away – the ship stopped sinking”. I remembered it for two reasons. The first of them – because it corresponded to what she did. The second – because it is a really “working” phrase.

When something changes a lot in our lives – it is not always about the minus. I was disappointed that I would no longer have an interlocutor, and I began to look at the work of other people. With this person, I did not pay attention to others, because one person is enough for me. Is there much space in my heart? I always said that “… there will be enough for one more person”. In fact, there is even a little more of it now. And I was joined by different people whose creativity I appreciated. They leave comments under my works. They like what I create. They talk to me. And instead of one person who inspires me, I got more. And each of them is very valuable to me. Not because they like what I do – but because I really like their creativity.

Thank you to everyone who surrounds me these days – you make my world better, and I will try to make yours too!

This is probably a strange post on the third day after the “breakup”, but it is true. I am healed by work and the people around me. Thank you!

People Thoughts

Not difficult

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It’s not hard to find someone you can give love and warmth to. Encourage. Be a light. And they can shine in return. It’s much harder to find someone who will be fascinated by you. Well. It may be hard for a while, but that doesn’t mean I’ll sit around and be sad. I’ll just find someone else to support.

Art Photos Thoughts

Child

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I wanted some kind of expression. Something that I definitely haven’t done before. And this is it. The devil is in the details, so to create this inscription…paint was used. Paint and sperm. Bringing a double meaning to the work.

We always know where a person is born from, but we never know where our creativity comes from? From people? From feelings? I think that people and feelings serve as a kind of trigger. In fact, every work is born from something else. From love? From the desire to convey the inner world and find people like us? I don’t know. Because often the people who are inspired by our creativity don’t inspire us. Or vice versa, we love someone else’s creativity, but we are ignored. Although it seems to you that all you need is for a person to maintain contact.

My creativity is born from darkness. Not abstract or fantasy. From the darkness of my soul. That’s probably why I often have “bloody” works. That’s probably why I often use the red colour of light. Because blue is cold, and green is nothing. Only in red do I see things the way I would like to see them.

She should be ten in a little over a week. If you made something with papier mache and you have paper left over – it’s just garbage. Leftovers from work. If you wanted a child, and got a tombstone – this work that I did today is probably the best thing you can use such material for.

Plans Thoughts

Fire up the engine, I’m leaving home tonight..

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My creative engine is running, and I like that now I have more inspiration and ideas than before. I regularly publish something on Reddit, on Patreon. From time to time, Redbubble receives new works. And that’s good. I don’t believe that it will ever bring a full-fledged income, but it’s enough for me that I live from it. I see the point in creating something new every time. That I manage to find fairly cheap materials for my creativity. That I have the equipment for this. The idea of going to work is scary only because I won’t have all the paraphernalia that I have at home, but I think that if I want, I can always come up with something. Because I like the path of creativity, not even in terms of earnings, but in terms of self-development. And that’s already a story. This blog is a story. The creativity that I publish is all the beginning of a big story. My story.

People Thoughts

Sa and The Bisexuals

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I could name my rock band that, but it’s not about my musical career.

The other day I asked a question in several places that had been on my mind. I thought “oh! I guess I’ll find the answer in this!”. My question was answered only in the Reddit community. Maybe it’s for the better.

The question was of the following order:
“Question for bisexual men. How do you identify internally?

I mean in general and in relation to sex with another man. That is, during sex, do you feel like a woman, a man, or is sex for the sake of sex and gender is completely absent here? Or, on the contrary, does everything come from the division of the person into a male and female part, each of which needs its own experience?”

I got three answers to it:

Comment
byu/Saint_Creatyre from discussion
inbisexual

Comment
byu/Saint_Creatyre from discussion
inbisexual

Comment
byu/Saint_Creatyre from discussion
inbisexual

And these answers told me “oh my god! Sa! You are unique!”. Just kidding. But this brought me back to where it all started. That is, you cannot attribute yourself to any particular group. Well…except that you can attribute yourself to non-binary individuals, without a clear definition of who you are, who you are interested in and in general.

The essence of the question was that in my opinion bisexual individuals (gender is not important here, but in the male version the question sounds more interesting) enter into same-sex sexual relationships, including playing the role of the opposite sex. But sex is just sex, and everyone answered that they do not change their role in this case. Well…let’s explore ourselves and the world around us further… 🙂

Me People Thoughts

Don’t humiliate yourself

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You again felt like you missed a chance. But..was there any chance? I continue to reflect on the person’s behaviour, and I understand that it is useless to blame yourself for everything that happened. That is, the person disappeared for no reason. Appeared 3-4 days later in the form of a comment in a completely different place. And you get the feeling that the person is just so comfortable. Not to be interested in others, but to appear when and where it is convenient. When it is convenient for them.

There are many things in which I would like to be wrong. So that I can be a little fool who makes mistakes again. But if not, then I will be a big fool if I decide that the problem is me and start humiliating myself.

I wrote a letter apologizing for the situation and wished the best, just to close this issue for myself. I deleted the message for myself, so as not to go back there, not to look at the profile, not to be interested. Because I told her that I trust the person immediately and completely. Because I fall in love with every interlocutor who answers me more often than others, or rather simply answers. And it’s not about building a future and marriage, but about the fact that you want to maintain communication with a certain periodicity, to which you get used.

I am guilty of actively supporting this communication and believing in it. I was ashamed of the very thought that I could somehow use a person so that he could help with the organisation in a new place if we decided to go there to work.

Sometimes communication for me resembles poison, which I poison myself with every time, forgetting about the consequences. And now I am again raking these consequences and getting from them…

Thoughts

Selectivity 2.0

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It’s interesting that we are used to perceiving certain situations through the idea that we still have a choice. For example, we paid for a thing in an online store, and we imagine that we still have a choice until we pick it up. But the choice has already been made. The same is true in this situation. Here the ladder effect works, when you think about the option when you are asked “why”, but you have cut everything off so that there is no point in asking anything. That is, your previous actions are already the answer to the question, and the issue is resolved. Although for yourself you imagine that everything is still not so.

The fact is that it is always easier for us to perceive everything through the idea that we always have, at least, a couple of options for the development of events. But in the world we move along something like rails that lead us along a more or less specific path. And you can, for example, write to a person you once knew. And here too there are two options – you can pretend to be someone else when you write to the same person, and… this is a path that leads you nowhere, because you will never be able to say that you are the person the person knew before. The second option is to be yourself and… say hello, or something else. And here again there are two options – you will either be recognized (after some time has passed) and will be treated coldly, or you will not be recognized, and this will mean that in general you will not be remembered. That is, any development of events regarding a person with whom we have already crossed paths in this world has 3 conditional development options that lead to a negative result.

I have not encountered “any other” developments of events, beyond those I listed above. That is why our perception of choice is not that it has limitations, but its results are known in advance. So technically I am thinking about emptiness.

Thoughts

Sometimes

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I think I should make an “And” for “And” and write all the stupid things that come to my mind in it. Make it closed so that only I can read it.

I used to not understand why people keep closed diaries if no one can read them. At 35 I understood – but I don’t need to write down my thoughts, because my destructive thoughts are always with me. There are children who build sandcastles, there are children who knock down other children’s sandcastles. I am the child who runs on the beach and destroys the sand. The castles don’t even have time to appear.

Thoughts

Destruction

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My moods at night are somewhat more destructive than during the day. In general, this reminds me of my relationship, when I understood that everything was over, and understood that it would happen either later or earlier. And always in such cases I chose the option “so… why not now?”.

I loved Daria as long as we had stable communication by letters. I knew that she would write an answer on a specific day or time. This gave an understanding of how the world works. Our world. Because with each person we have our own world. And, in a sense, I stopped loving when the schedule started to go wrong. All this refers me to the first long-term relationship, when I began to notice that “something was wrong”, and, as it turned out later, it was. Are people who had one love for their whole lives happier? I guess…

If everyone knew what things I get hurt by (or self-harm) – it would immediately become clearer to them why I’m not the best option for friendship. Because there are so many things in the world that will cause discomfort. If I start to continue this thought, I will come to the conclusion that I don’t want any discomfort, and… well, you get the idea.

For example, our communication with Aaron – I know that he may not answer right away, because he’s busy. He knows that I will answer when I have the mood and time for it. And it’s comfortable. This is the person to whom I have returned the most times in my life, without losing contact. Is it easier for me to be friends with men? Oh. These must be very specific men.

There are many things that I can say now and then regret. Therefore, I won’t say them, because I always know them for myself. And most of all, I would like Sa to shut up that other part of me. Because only she can. In a sense, Sa is the chains I tied myself with to teach myself to live a controlled life. That’s why I’m still here and haven’t done anything stupid.

Some people use asphyxiation in sex to get a more intense orgasm. I wonder if “marinating” yourself in pain and discomfort will give you more creative inspiration? I think I’ll have time to check it out…

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