thoughts

And it will pass…

Sometimes I allow myself to forget about the transience of feelings. A word can give hope, another word can destroy it. And I always trust words very much. And should we trust actions?

In this world we live among PEOPLE. And we must always remember this. Each person has his own plan for life and for you. The only difference is that the plan for life remains with him, and the plans for you always change.


There is one criterion that never changes, and it is stable. And I believe in it. I won’t tell you what that criterion is. I’ll just give you a hint – if you’re reading this, you meet it 🙂

A few days of sex

The creativity I’ve been doing the last few days is somewhat reminiscent of the feeling of having sex for several days in a row. You get tired of concentrating on ideas and implementing them. However…it was a very inspiring few days.

I need to get down to business, even though it’s the weekend. Although there are a couple more creative ideas that I’ll implement in the coming days, but they’re not so global and not tied to time 🙂

I’ll publish an “afterparty post” tomorrow)

Taboo

I asked myself – when did nudity cease to be taboo for me, and why exactly did this happen? Where did that shyness, which has always been a significant part of me, go?

Apparently, things just appeared that scare me more than nudity. In a sense, the world around me became more naked than I am in my photos. But, probably, that’s not the point.

It’s hard to say what came first – the chicken or me, who started some kind of frank blog. And I remember that the first attempts were probably 6-7 years ago. Maybe even earlier. A long time ago, back in Odessa, we sold sex toys. Even then, the idea of opening a full-fledged store came to me. I had the desire and inspiration to write about all this. Moreover, even during my freelancing days (that’s, for a moment, when I was 21 years old) I think I already had to write some texts for a sex shop. Maybe memories just pop up in my memories of how we started selling such goods. Why am I here? In a broad sense, my openness to something like this was a long time ago. But the fact that nudity is the norm came to me with the beginning of the war, when my photos became more candid.

Open windows in European countries show that people have nothing to hide. The exposed skin in the pictures probably says the same thing..

Keep Falling

This is a very, very old photo, about 15 years old. It’s a hole in the roof of one of the abandoned factories in Odessa. No one knows what it’s for, but looking into it from above you see a complete void. I made a processed version of the photo and added the original.

When I read the lyrics of this song, I remembered that photo…

“I don’t wanna be scared
But I really don’t get
Why do we have to go?
I know so many ways
But I don’t wanna be saved
Why do we have to go?

I try to make my path
I don’t know why you left
We all need someone
I try to let it be
You try to make me see
We all need someone
It’s not easy letting go

Feelings that I don’t know
I’m looking for a sign below
I’m so heavy
We may die young, but that’s okay
We can’t go on
’cause we keep falling down down down
But that’s alright, it’s alright”

I really like the guitar part in this song…

Sometimes I feel like I keep falling into that black abyss in the photo..

Mess

There’s a mess in your head and in your life that you just can’t seem to get rid of. You try, but you feel like you’re constantly running out of time. For everything. To put something up for sale, to tidy up your table or yard. You want to be creative, but you don’t have time. You want to do something, but you don’t have enough time for everything. It’s as if someone is constantly stealing it from you… and summer passes, and the questions still aren’t closed with the feeling that you’ve piled up more plans than you could take out. Or just every time there’s something new and more important…

I sometimes turn on the save mode – when I think “nothing. Rest. It will get better later”, but that “later” still never comes.


If I had a psychologist, he wouldn’t like my thoughts. It’s symbolic when someone on Reddit, seeing your post with a photo, filed a complaint, and you received a message with “help lines.” But it’s not that bad. Yes, there are thoughts. Stupid thoughts. But this is not an option, at least now. When everything is not as scary as it could be. We just almost always don’t have money. Enough for basic needs, but no more. And again, there is a constant feeling that you have to do something to make them appear, although it depends little on you. It’s also not an option to go to work for $ 125 a month, because they won’t save you. They will probably make the psychological component worse, but it would be harder to get out of it. I’m fighting with myself, and only I know how difficult it can be sometimes. And the question is not whether I should take some medication or something else. This is the part that you have to control yourself. And sometimes it seems to me that I am such a puzzle, a couple of pieces of which were eaten by some cat, and, accordingly, it is impossible to assemble it. But I have crossed that Rubicon, when I could easily have rolled into the abyss. However, I myself, sometimes, am this abyss, which, as if sucking into the void everything that I do and what inspires me, and cannot somehow be filled, or something…

I’m increasingly thinking that the third tattoo would be the phrase “I do not deny the pain, I am her disciple.”

Chemistry

You can’t fool life – and you can’t fool yourself. There are just people with whom we have chemistry. It doesn’t depend on us or our wishes. It either exists or it doesn’t. I’m looking for this very chemistry. It’s a difficult process, where your puzzle pieces have to fit together to build a stable structure.

I think that over the years the chances of finding friends do not decrease. You just become more picky. But if you do manage to find one, it can be quite strong and long. The main thing is that both of you have a desire…

I always give a head start

Sometimes I think that (maybe) by playing with AI or trying to somehow “catch the wave” – ​​I could achieve greater results. Not so much in creativity, but in earnings, perhaps. But I do not start moving in this direction. Sometimes I resemble an old photographer who still uses film and develops his works himself, although I am far from that. Moreover – I happily use filters and manual processing of photos, and not even in RAW (my photo editor does not support Panasonic S5), but in classic Jpeg. Would I like some kind of recognition? Probably. But not in a broad sense, but in a narrower circle – so that there are people who are interested in what I sometimes do.

I probably want creativity to remain creativity and in it I can freely reflect myself and my inner world. And I will earn a living by other methods.

Internal Rich

Although curiosity is not a sin, I’m sure in hell, Texas black bakers will “fry” (read as fuck) me for it. Because I’ve always been curious about other people’s lives. As my ex used to say – when you look in someone’s window – there’s a life in each window. So have I.

I’ve always wondered what kind of people sold the camera – so I often tried to restore the pictures to see what the owners looked like. Once I was sold a laptop that had undeleted nude photos of the girlfriend of the guy who sold it. Bingo, right? Relatively. Because I don’t care what she looked like or what she had between her legs. The experience itself is interesting. The opportunity to observe something personal. And so it was in this case. I wondered what he was interested in. I didn’t expect to find anything unusual. But, oh my God. I saw something that the church would send him to “fry” not far from me for.

Trans porn. Seriously? I asked myself if I understood correctly – yes, that’s right. However, considering what kind of model it was (whoever googles trans porn model – that’s me!) – I wouldn’t mind watching it myself, haha! My type. I’m not trans, but changing clothes today (I only wanted to take a photo of my legs, but I couldn’t resist, because I got a great combo of two types of clothes again), I wondered – I wonder how that person would perceive me in this form? I’m not interested in everything “after”, that is, it’s not about self-esteem of self-sexuality. To put it simply – I wouldn’t want to know if someone fucked me. But let’s imagine that a person comes across a video where I’m in a BDSM costume. It’s not known who I am and what. So, the theoretical chances are more than zero.

Knowing my perverted nature, I probably just want to understand, at least sometimes, that I’m not the only one like this, and that this is a kind of norm. But so far I’ve come to the conclusion that if this is the norm, then only mine 🙂

Sexuality has no gender and no restrictions. The main restrictions are in our heads. I perceive all people as they are. Because I like it when people are real with me. Rich. And I try to be the same in response.

Here’s my work, which I expected to receive. I struggled with the shadow from the camera, had to correct the colours and lighting, but…

P.S. for the sake of objectivity (I told about someone – I have to tell about myself) I myself watch various porn “according to my mood”, so porn with transsexuals did not surprise me much. I am not afraid that my “some wrong” photos will be seen by someone who knows me, because it will be a more “traumatic” experience for them than for me 🙂

Life in real time

I caught myself thinking that life is happening in real time now. Without specific plans and intentions. We are trying to find additional sources of income here and now. At the same time, we are planning a trip to the Czech Republic, which is unknown how and where it will end. With the understanding that if we go there, we have to stay, at least until we return the money invested in the trip.

The uncertainty of what will happen tomorrow, not to mention what will happen in a week, prompts us to think through every step. Look at the situation soberly, without any glasses. Choosing a path for yourself, you always try to choose the best. And it’s good to understand that your mother has no questions about why you are going, but still, go if there is a good moment. Because she understands that in the current reality any option is good, provided that what will happen will not be worse than now. This is valuable.

Sometimes I feel like I’m responsible for what happened yesterday, what’s happening today, and what’s going to happen tomorrow. That is, I’m doing three things at the same time in three time periods. Which makes me very tired, and I don’t have time for anything. I want to make a video and write a post, and do household chores, but I’m not enough for everything at once. Just physically.

Somewhere inside there is a feeling of change. That something will change soon. Seriously. Her attitude towards gays and in general made me laugh. It’s nice when a person is on the same wavelength with you. In general, understanding that you can interact with a person who has a similar worldview inspires and makes the path easier. Sometimes it seems that it would be much easier for me to understand how to act and what to do on the spot than trying to solve something from here. That on the spot I will find myself and prove myself. It often seems that people simply don’t let themselves be shown so that they can see how useful you will be to them. Because my essence is such that I always and everywhere try to be useful. And in general, only in this way can you achieve something. Only when people understand that they cannot do without you.

I do not make plans about where and when I will be, and whether I will live here or somewhere else. Recently, a poem by a famous Ukrainian poet has been mentioned more and more often. It is very much reflected inside somewhere. In the original language and translation…

“Мені однаково, чи буду
Я жить в Україні, чи ні.
Чи хто згадає, чи забуде
Мене в снігу на чужині —
Однаковісінько мені.

В неволі виріс між чужими,
І, неоплаканий своїми,
В неволі, плачучи, умру,
І все з собою заберу —
Малого сліду не покину
На нашій славній Україні,
На нашій — не своїй землі.
I не пом’яне батько з сином,
Не скаже синові: — Молись.
Молися, сину: за Вкраїну
Його замучили колись. —

Мені однаково, чи буде
Той син молитися, чи ні…
Та не однаково мені,
Як Україну злії люди
Присплять, лукаві, і в огні
Її, окраденую, збудять…
Ох, не однаково мені.”(с)Т.Г. Шевченко

“I don’t care whether
I live in Ukraine or not.
Whether anyone remembers or forgets
Me in the snow in a foreign land —
It’s all the same to me.

In captivity I grew up among strangers,
And, unlamented by my own,
In captivity, crying, I will die,
And I will take everything with me —
I will not leave a small trace
On our glorious Ukraine,
On our – not our own land.
And the father will not remember with his son,
He will not say to his son: — Pray.
Pray, son: for Ukraine
He was tortured once. —

I don’t care whether
That son will pray or not…
But only one thing is matters to me.
How evil people are destroying Ukraine.
She will be robbed and forgotten.
This one thing is matters to me.” (c) T.H. Shevchenko