Fear

Sometimes I am filled with fear.

Maybe that’s what a panic attack is in my version. When you’re just afraid. Of being alone (conditionally, but at the moment you’re alone). Of plans. Of having to meet someone for work. Of having to keep up with everything. I dreamed about her, my main question was “..well…at least in a dream I don’t mess up like in life?” Because I don’t have behavioral patterns for different situations. For the first meeting, for the first meeting with children. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’ll deal with those fears later. Now it’s something more…phantom? I guess.

I speak up for all fears, because it makes life easier. We dealt with the fear that was there that week, when she was silent for almost a day (in my opinion). And even with the fact that I found that number and in general. In order not to be afraid that the person would disappear from me because of this – I transferred it all to “neutrality”. But everything was discussed and now I am much more comfortable.

On adrenaline I can do a lot. Literally, turn the world upside down. But at other times I am the one who is afraid and needs support, which I myself cannot define. That is, what it should be.

My emotionality, which is the cause of many of my fears, will burn me out one day. But I don’t want to sit on pills all the time. I want to live. With emotions. By myself. To be myself, not a “neutral fruit”. At the same time, to be circumcised to those I love and hold dear in my heart. It requires a lot of effort from me, but I can cope.

I’m most afraid of losing her. A person I’ve never even seen (except in a dream and in a photo). I promised myself to return to service if, God forbid, something happens to her. Because I wouldn’t forgive this life for that. Enough. Maybe it would really be better if they and the children went to another, safer country. But I wouldn’t be able to provide all of this now, and without that it’s not fair.

Nothing will happen to us. Despite the fact that yesterday I almost got hit by a car. But the fears are not only about us, as is the post.

I will be happy to wake up one day in a safe world. Where nothing will threaten her and her children. Her family. Life is more hectic right now, so let my fears, at least a little, disappear with this post. Posts have always been reassuring to me.