Time 4 Stop

Sometimes you come to the conclusion that you just need to stop and…talk about something. Not with someone, with yourself. Because there is no time for anything. Everyone needs something, everyone is running somewhere. Again, I am glad that people turn to me with various requests and…it brings me income. It is wonderful. My plan for life is simple. To earn money with services, so that you can buy goods with them, so that you can have something more serious from their sale. Approximately the same as when I started 15 years ago. But now everything is completely different and more difficult. Therefore, you should not complain about it. You just have to go this way. Now I get tired at one in the morning, although before I could freely go to bed at four.

My psychological state has stabilized. I do not think that it is because of the pills. It is just that everything in my relationships with people has fallen into place. That is enough. Sometimes I still remember that I am like that “kettle”. Which can suddenly boil over at any time. I ask myself “what then?”. I find the strength to restrain myself from any impulses. And are there those impulses now? But I know that I am me. I have never felt stable. There are just states of remission. There are just states of exacerbation. It is difficult to say when this or that happens. Sometimes it seems that I am just waiting for an exacerbation to look for ways to solve the problem again. But I would like stability. But is it in the environment in which I live? I planned that from April I would not have days without work, because everyone will have to clean chimneys. May is ending, we cleaned, with all our might, 5 objects. Although it was supposed to be the main income. There are things that do not let me go higher. I just always miss them.

Sometimes it seems that I lean too much on this person. Too much. Something needs to be done about this. Because it’s not right. I have to be self-sufficient in everything. I don’t know how to build a relationship with this person. I’m used to understanding and planning everything.

“Who are you with the lights out?
I don’t feel right when I’m all alone
My human nature makes me a stranger
To everyone I know.
I know it’s all lies I brought to life
Now I don’t know how to be someone real
Hate that I fake the way that I feel.

Voices
Fill my head with noises
Drain me of this poison
‘Cause I’m not who you think I’ve been

Frozen
I’m someone I don’t know and
Cycle’s never broken
And I’ll die a silent stranger.”

Wherever I am, I always have the feeling that I’m running past. It’s like you’re driving on the highway, but on the side of the road. You see people, cars, and other things rushing by. Like in an old movie.

Sometimes I ask myself “what do I want?” And I don’t have an answer to this question. I just do what I have to do. To just keep living. A closed cycle.

There are many people who say that I’m easy. That you talk to me and it becomes easier for them, and as if there are no problems in general. Few people think about what the price is. I don’t know the price myself. I just feel that one day I will have to pay it.

“Let’s spend the day in bed, talk about you instead
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
Something to take off the edge,
’cause I can’t go back again
My head is not my friend, my head is not my friend
My head is not my friend..”