thoughts

Personal Thoughts

The face is tense – a devastated smile

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I look exhausted. And old. This situation with the lack of income is taking a toll on my health, especially today. It’s nice to think that you still have a chance and opportunities, but now I see that both chance and opportunities have been taken away from me. This country has taken away both of those things from me. It makes me want to just take a ticket with my last money and go somewhere else, look for another, better life. What will it be? Probably, any one will be better now. Simply because I’m tired of living the way I am now, depending on… people. If no one buys anything from you – no one needs you. I’m not sure that we will be able to go to my nephews in the spring, since for now, literally, there is no money even for food. Of course, there is something to sell and close the issue “for now”, but I don’t want to stay here any longer. Because without free income – I have nothing here. Absolutely. We have a house, but it has no meaning or value if you can’t pay for its maintenance, and that’s exactly what it’s going to do now. And I see how this country, having drunk the juices out of people, has taken away my ability to buy something. Others are suffering – I’m suffering too. And I don’t want to think about what it will be like there after the war and in general. I just want not to think about this country at all. Because it has taught me only that it constantly takes something away…

Personal

Love Road

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How far can you go on just one love?…

Even if it’s about the love of music. However, this has already helped more than anything. I’m interested in lyrics, that is, I study the language, the pronunciation of words (ha-ha, albeit with a British accent), and these slow steps are better than nothing. I’m attracted by the idea of ​​being in a city a little bigger than now. To have objects to shoot. Let’s be honest, I would like to live until I turn 50, for example. Although it’s still a long way to go. About the same as 20, which also seem quite far away. I don’t see any harm in staying here, but this is the case when you’re scared not by the city or the nearby border, but by the fact of being in the country itself. And this is what creates the feeling that your whole life will pass you by. And if you really want to live and see something, somehow express yourself – you need something more. In terms of population and in general… frankly? I really don’t mind living again where I could go to concerts, take pictures at concerts, record videos. I liked it then, 8 years ago.

What am I willing to give for it? The thing is that there is nothing left to give. I see that our material affairs are not going well, so in any case, the life we ​​are used to will soon not be what it is. And living on 300 dollars a month is such a prospect.

I hope that music will “take me out”, and I will take us out. That it will work.

Sometimes I sincerely think that my health problems now are 75% due to the situation and the place, and not to health problems as such. And the fact that this whole situation is psychologically oppressing me is very influential. So…we’ll see..

Hobby Personal Thoughts

‘Cause my money, see, it don’t grow(c)Ynk

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I do things that don’t sell, but there is always one buyer. That’s me. And when you look at a gallery and you like the result of your work, you’re on the right track. Because this is your world. In general, no matter what a person does, their creativity is their inner world. Any creativity. That’s why I love different creativity and different people.

And the main thing I want to see in a person’s work is two things. The first of them is their soul, and the second is the desire to see the final result in their creativity. Because I’ve seen more than once how what starts to sell ceases to be what inspires you. That’s why I understand that certain people try to make money with their talent, but I love those who see a certain psychotherapy in their creativity. An attempt to find themselves in this world, to find people like them, to find those who will share their world. Because loneliness, even with money, is a very scary thing.

People Thoughts

Alcohol like a sex..

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I caught myself thinking that for me, drinking with someone…stranger is like having sex with just anyone. That is, you can, but why? While promoting the topic “why doesn’t everyone sleep with everyone”, I came to the conclusion that there is no point in this. For example, you can catch some kind of disease. A person can be sloppy (in your understanding), a person can be interested “in themselves”. A person can behave in a way that we find unpleasant. It’s just that in sex there are more “animal” instincts, and then there is the very essence of alcohol as such. So, to the idea that you shouldn’t sleep with just anyone, you come to another – that, respecting yourself, you also shouldn’t drink with people you don’t…respect? Probably.

As Dasha once said – “a person is not my level”. Well, apparently, in this interpretation, it is somewhere like that.

Thoughts

Nothing to say

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Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more often that I’m “burned out” on writing something, and now, my attempt to write a big post for the main blog almost ends in a fiasco because… I don’t know what to write about. I don’t know how to write good reviews about TV series, I don’t know how to tell stories about actors, and I’m not the kind of person who would study huge amounts of information just to say “a famous actress starred in the series that you might have seen…”, because I myself haven’t seen that actress anywhere else. Could this very blog reader have seen her somewhere? Or is it even important to tell it? But the point is not that, but that I simply have “nothing” to tell. To convey some idea. I understand technical articles, but others are too difficult for me to reproduce right now. I can’t just take this text and publish 1,000 words about something I watched or heard. Simply because there is no inspiration, but… it has been gone for quite some time.

So… should I have ended it there? It’s hard to say. But I understand that I need some kind of “restart” to make everything work again. All that remains is to find a way to do it…

Personal Plans Thoughts

Letters for Silence

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Today I caught myself thinking that I don’t want to be in silence. To write for silence, to create for silence. I want to be seen, to be heard. So that what I do has a response. And I don’t expect it to be a response at the level of the previous blog. At least in the first years of its existence. But, at the same time, I already see that there are people who like my posts on social networks, although I started my new path only a month and a half ago. I see that there are visits to the blog. I see that there are creative people who are on the same wavelength with me. And I see inspiration in this. I have a desire to create something and share it. To develop it all. To go through trials and experiments.

I think that this engine in itself will become both a reason for a deeper study of the language and an increase in the desire to integrate into some other system. To be part of another world. And let someone say that “everything new should be started before 25-30 (years)”, but I believe that only now you see and feel what you want, and in which direction to move further.

I am sincerely inspired by the idea that some people achieved success only after 40 years, because I also see and feel that only now can I choose the direction in which to live the next part of our lives. I believe that 2025 will be a breakthrough. And I will do everything to catch up with what was lost in the past two years. The past three years.

Photos

From the photographer’s perspective

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It’s not very logical to have…different works. I mean different pictures with different directions and different themes. Because you won’t find “your” audience this way. But the problem is that I’m not a photographer in the full sense. I just reflect my inner world in photography. And I would be pleased if some of my works were in demand, but the main thing is always that I myself like what I do. I didn’t upload this work somewhere, because it’s “insufficient” in my opinion. But I still like it.

Thoughts

I don’t like exhibitionists

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I don’t like exhibitionists. People who focus their creativity on their genitals. In my opinion, there’s nothing super important about showing your penis or vagina to the whole world. There’s already too much of that. Why not approach it from a creative perspective? I like eroticism, but I don’t like too much frankness. I can see art in the demonstration of genitals only if there is another context, that is, when something else is depicted besides them. Some essence. An idea. But not just a piece of your meat. I don’t like the idea that people see something “related” in you, even though what you do is about something completely different…

But as it is. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be such people, I just don’t understand the meaning of such creativity.

Personal Thoughts

Separate fears

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Today I encountered an interesting phenomenon, when in a dream you do not understand that you are dreaming, you perceive it as reality, and you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation that causes you conflicting feelings. It was about some institution (again, hello psychiatry), where I was. Subconsciously I felt that it would again be about fitness for military service or something like that. And I did not care what conclusion they would make, I just wanted to leave the place where they were keeping me, but they did not give me clarity when this would happen. Because by the sensations I had been there for a week or so, again, remembering the “laws” of psychiatry, I internally understood that they should keep me for at least three weeks, and that they would hardly let me go earlier.

In general, what is the treatment of military personnel in a hospital? Especially when you are in a place where, theoretically, a person can be demobilized from military service? This is an institution that you don’t like to be in, that has its own laws, and that, at the same time, doesn’t give you clarity or awareness of what will happen to you next and where you will be. So…it’s a kind of torture, just without obvious physical impact. More about the psychological one.

Two things cause discomfort in me – one is living in that reality when you dream such horrors, and you understand perfectly well why you dream them. The other is the fear of what problems you may encounter if you try to escape from these fears of yours. That is, we are also talking about fear, but not of what is, but of what could be. Therefore…at a certain time I will have to choose between what is scarier – the reality that is, or the one that could be.

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