Lightness
Saint Creature I noticed that after military service (or rather, the suicide attempt?) lightness with which you write texts disappeared. Read More
personal
In all this desperation I fear there’s nothing I could say to win this fight
Cause you hesitate much more than I could ever estimateAnd that’s alright?.. Read More
Well..with +2 to me
All that’s left is to wait and go get a puncture. After that, I’ll definitely be “the only one in the area.” Or, rather, in the city. Is it critical? I don’t care. If they need me, then let them perceive me as I want to be.
“So they kill another dream
Feed on my self-esteem
Well, hey kids, this is showbiz
Starving artists have to die
So pigs can learn to fly
On our dime, this is our time”
Mother told me
My mother told me a funny thing today. In my opinion, funny. Like “when you work and no one will say that you don’t work and you won’t “prick anyone’s eyes” with this”. But I thought that this is the least anyone would reproach me for. Let’s make a list:
– I am a person who increasingly indicates a “neutral” gender;
– I like furry art, and I have a collection of strange sex toys;
– I take strange photos, including of myself, and I hide it less and less;
– I consider the idea of a relationship between three people of any sex and gender to be normal, if people find in each other what they lack;
– I will probably be the only man in the city where I live now who has not just one, but both ears pierced.
I think that this list already indicates things that should be more questions than whether I work or not. And how exactly. However, I see that if you show the world what it can get from you – it increasingly closes its eyes to your peculiarities, because you are perceived comprehensively. That is, with all your pluses and minuses. I fight for my right to exist where I am, with what I can. That is probably why I am interested in everything at once. I want to be able to do and know everything.
In life, always do two, but take one. That is, you take two steps for the benefit of someone and one for the benefit of yourself. In this way, you will have to be perceived as you are. Simply because two steps forward are better seen than one step back.
If an eccentric person does something, and others do nothing – then he will be eccentric in himself, because he does something when others do not.
Toxic relationships
We finished watching the series The Outlaws, and it led me to a certain reflection related to people.
The series showed a toxic relationship between a girl who was smart, but had a “hobby” of stealing something, and a guy who was less fortunate in life and wanted a quiet life instead of survival. And so their acquaintance led to the fact that she became a kind of “adrenaline junkie” who constantly wanted thrills, and the guy, on the contrary, tried to avoid problems with the law and in general. The story of the relationship ended with her leaving him, getting off the train before it was sent, and he left “for a new life”. Six months later they met – she, with a bunch of problems and he, in the life he aspired to. And then, suddenly, she remembers that she is “extremely in love with him”, but he has the sense not to continue the relationship with her, but to build a new one with a person who suits him better. What thoughts did all this make me think?
With a certain periodicity, you scroll through your head the thought of why you don’t continue communicating with people you once liked? Inspired you, caused some feelings? That is, there is some kind of seed living in you that believes (or simply perceives from memories) that your life would be better if you resumed communication “with someone from…”. But something stops you from doing this. And I think it is understanding. First of all, understanding the fact that your paths diverged (mostly) not even because of you. So there is nothing to turn back, because each person simply went their own way at a certain time. But…
Having your “ears” you hear that these “bells are not one-sided.” And this is where we are caught up in this same story from the series, when you tell the hero “well…well I hope you won’t do this stupid thing?..because I’ll stop respecting you”, only the hero is you.
I know that things that were in the past should stay there. But the healthy half understands this. I think that every person consists of another part besides it – the emotional part, multiplied by the memory part. That is, your subconscious says “but memories and emotions can’t deceive you” – and they really do. They don’t deceive, because there, at 15-17-20 years old, you experienced feelings that were for the first time in your life. Apparently, this is what draws you to them. As for reality – during this time you managed to get burned many times after that, and you can’t throw the opposite experience out of your memory either. This is what stops you.
In one song they sang “we will never be younger than today”. I think this applies to people too – because we will never be the same as we once were. So the emotions will be different every time. And I think the emotions that we can get from new people can be even brighter than those that can happen when communicating with someone old.
It remains to somehow convey all this to your brain.
Router Sex
I spent half a day messing around with a router that for some reason reset its settings and wouldn’t let me log into the admin panel. I had to flash it several times, disassemble it, but now everything is working stably again. I hope it will last longer this time. Although there are opinions that a more stable version should be looked for. However… so far I have understood that I will have to write an article-instruction on its firmware, so that it is stored somewhere within the blog. Because the information is quite useful, since this firmware and this version allow you to use torrents on the mobile Internet, which is very good. Because not everything that interests me can be found on streaming platforms.
It seems hypocritical to want to have licensed software at work, when you yourself do not use licensed content 100%. Isn’t it? Although… everything related to software is licensed now. This is a good step forward. Although…Windows on my computer is not licensed. So that’s it. But I’ll install Linux at work and I think that over time I’ll be able to fully switch to it. The only question is whether Silkypix licenses will work on Linux? Theoretically, they should…
I’m alive, I just got a fly in my eye…
I’m working on a local project, so I don’t have time for anything else. I looked – I haven’t been here for 5 days. It’s crazy how quickly time flies. However… what I’m doing is a small-large social project that should unite the entire city (and its events) with a population of about 12,000 people. This is a kind of pilot project of the idea of what can be achieved if you try to unite different segments of the population. Will it be successful? Time will tell. But for now, I’m investing a lot in it.
In a sense, this is my promising job. The funny thing is that it’s a full-time job (with a schedule) for $150 a month. On the other hand… times are turbulent and no one knows what will happen with trade in the future. So this would be at least some kind of base for actual earnings. Maybe it makes sense, there are all sorts of possible additional payments and something more interesting in terms of money is already looming there.
Have I found my place? And no. But the other day I put on my earring (for which I pierced my ear), wrote Sa Crea on a fabric ribbon and attached it to the earring. That evening I was myself. That evening I spoke in front of people for the first time.
But I see my main and more important blog here. Where I am with you. I share, like, thoughts. I share them with my loved ones. I love you all. See you soon. I went to add posts to the main blog about a couple of anime 🙂
Inner demons
She doesn’t understand that my creativity is my inner demons. The darker the thoughts of the demons, the darker the creativity. The brighter I become inside, the more I release this creativity outside. No more, no less…
I fall asleep in an American flag..
..I wear my diamonds on Skid Row.. Read More
Look into my eyes – I see that you are sad..
“…And the hills are plunged into the blue sunset
And I can’t stand this sky
And in it – sharks and rays…”(с)P.A.
It’s strange to quote her here, but it’s okay here because this is the territory of free people…
I need someone who would just support me and say “everything will be fine”. For me to tell her “listen…I’m afraid…that something won’t work out. What will go wrong…that I won’t take this step…” – and she said “don’t worry. I’ll take care of you…”
I think I should sell everything I don’t need to save up as much money as possible for this venture. If everything goes well, I’ll be able to get this money back over time. But there will most likely be only one chance. But where we are now, there will be no chance at all. Because the doors of opportunity are closing and we only have this opportunity to save and get…a chance for a new life? That’s what I called the post when I wrote to the Reddit community. For some reason, my question wasn’t published, but that’s not really important. Because there was something about something else.
Ugh…power us…