Something Diff…

We communicate, I restrain myself. I ask myself – what has changed?

The difference between what was yesterday and today is that I am not in love with a person. She simply is. She exists. I want to say “please communicate with someone else, because I do not have time for you”. Because the fact that she did not have time has turned into the fact that I do not have time FOR her. And this is not strange, I am just trying to understand my emotional state, my attitude. Why are we ready to make any concessions in one for the sake of saving a person, and in the other we do not perceive it as some kind of achievement? Why do I not want to be “someone” in her life? Why am I ready to tell her that, like the other guy from Deviant – I am ready to communicate with her once a month, and that will be enough for me. Where is the same line drawn?

My internal devaluation of people is destroying me. And my current state, to be honest… is very difficult. It is about the fact that when faced with any problem, I want to swallow whatever pills I have, even with the understanding that they will not help. I am generally afraid of having stronger ones at home. Because I know how it will end right now. Since that autumn, the thoughts of suicide have probably not been as obvious as they are now. It would seem that so much time has passed and I have learned to control everything. But was it control? Or a screen? I am very exhausted from work and affairs, I do not have time for anything. It seemed to me that I saw salvation in her, but I saw, perhaps, only a respite. Before the storm that will wipe me out.

She says that she will not leave me, but I do not want to tell her that now is the time when I should say the same. I’m not going to leave her, but that sounds to me right now like me saying “I’m not going to leave this world right now.” But it hasn’t been this shaky in a long time.

I reread the thoughts I wrote because I forget what I wrote about. In the morning, everything is perceived a little differently. Maybe it’s just moral exhaustion? Maybe…but I don’t have the right to slow down my pace of life right now…because otherwise I’ll stop where I am…