Emotional Swing

Yesterday there was supposed to be a post about them, but… I almost forgot the context. Because the state and situation have changed dramatically. And… the point is that now I have a stable state. In all senses. I feel completely different, I can work. I don’t have enough time for everything, but this is the least of the problems that were there a few days ago.

In general, when there are some such… moments that I don’t control – it causes anxiety. Heaviness. I can’t concentrate. Do my everyday things. Decisions are made that I will regret in a moment. Well… not a moment, but a day or two, and maybe an hour later. And it’s hard. Because you do a lot of things on emotions and in the moment. Unfortunately, you can’t control it. Therefore, there are many things in my life that I am ashamed of, although I don’t say it.

Yesterday I came across a wonderful cover of a wonderful band of a wonderful song. This is the song Breaking The Habit performed by Austin

His vocals are very reminiscent of Chester in it. It reminds me of goosebumps…

I read the lyrics, and I understood why it popped up yesterday, and why it touched me so much. Because it’s exactly about that. About this condition. Which does not justify me to anyone or for any peculiarities of my behavior. A reasonable person would say “if you see a problem – get treated. Use medications that will calm you and your nervous system”. But I’m afraid of medication after a suicide attempt, because I understand how it can be repeated, and I’m afraid that the moment will come when I would do it. Even yesterday I was riding a bike, going down a mountain at high speed. A big car with boards was driving towards me. My speed multiplied by it would be enough. I thought “..is this a sign?..”. I drove on, I had two thoughts at the same time. The first was that I was already taking mild sedatives. The second was that my condition was so bad that if I had the opportunity, there might have been a second attempt. I reassured my wife that everything was fine so that she wouldn’t worry. I took down the photos and the voice. Because I abruptly decided to go somewhere. Sedatives should help, but a better sedative is to create comfortable conditions. When you are surrounded by friendly people.

I know what it’s like to be afraid of everything. That you will be abandoned. That you will feel pain that you can’t do anything about. That’s why I didn’t want such a fate for her. None of them. Because I know that there are several people who love me.

Some things are difficult for me. And I also remembered the main thing – if you want someone to need you more than others – be the one they need more than others. Satiate a person more than others do. Make their days brighter. Make her smile every day by doing stupid things. People don’t love comments or opinions. People love who they are next to you. You can find a place in a person’s heart without forcing them to do something, but by filling it. I just forget this from time to time. That it all depends on you. On your actions and attitude. Give a person love – and… you will always have your place. Remember this.