In childhood…
Saint Creature In childhood, before falling into the grass, you didn’t think about anything. Now, before falling into the grass, you think about how to avoid falling into a hedgehog with your ass. And a hedgehog is no worse example…
Thoughts
Don’t humiliate yourself
You again felt like you missed a chance. But..was there any chance? I continue to reflect on the person’s behaviour, and I understand that it is useless to blame yourself for everything that happened. That is, the person disappeared for no reason. Appeared 3-4 days later in the form of a comment in a completely different place. And you get the feeling that the person is just so comfortable. Not to be interested in others, but to appear when and where it is convenient. When it is convenient for them.
There are many things in which I would like to be wrong. So that I can be a little fool who makes mistakes again. But if not, then I will be a big fool if I decide that the problem is me and start humiliating myself.
I wrote a letter apologizing for the situation and wished the best, just to close this issue for myself. I deleted the message for myself, so as not to go back there, not to look at the profile, not to be interested. Because I told her that I trust the person immediately and completely. Because I fall in love with every interlocutor who answers me more often than others, or rather simply answers. And it’s not about building a future and marriage, but about the fact that you want to maintain communication with a certain periodicity, to which you get used.
I am guilty of actively supporting this communication and believing in it. I was ashamed of the very thought that I could somehow use a person so that he could help with the organisation in a new place if we decided to go there to work.
Sometimes communication for me resembles poison, which I poison myself with every time, forgetting about the consequences. And now I am again raking these consequences and getting from them…
Selectivity 2.0
It’s interesting that we are used to perceiving certain situations through the idea that we still have a choice. For example, we paid for a thing in an online store, and we imagine that we still have a choice until we pick it up. But the choice has already been made. The same is true in this situation. Here the ladder effect works, when you think about the option when you are asked “why”, but you have cut everything off so that there is no point in asking anything. That is, your previous actions are already the answer to the question, and the issue is resolved. Although for yourself you imagine that everything is still not so.
The fact is that it is always easier for us to perceive everything through the idea that we always have, at least, a couple of options for the development of events. But in the world we move along something like rails that lead us along a more or less specific path. And you can, for example, write to a person you once knew. And here too there are two options – you can pretend to be someone else when you write to the same person, and… this is a path that leads you nowhere, because you will never be able to say that you are the person the person knew before. The second option is to be yourself and… say hello, or something else. And here again there are two options – you will either be recognized (after some time has passed) and will be treated coldly, or you will not be recognized, and this will mean that in general you will not be remembered. That is, any development of events regarding a person with whom we have already crossed paths in this world has 3 conditional development options that lead to a negative result.
I have not encountered “any other” developments of events, beyond those I listed above. That is why our perception of choice is not that it has limitations, but its results are known in advance. So technically I am thinking about emptiness.
Sometimes
I think I should make an “And” for “And” and write all the stupid things that come to my mind in it. Make it closed so that only I can read it.
I used to not understand why people keep closed diaries if no one can read them. At 35 I understood – but I don’t need to write down my thoughts, because my destructive thoughts are always with me. There are children who build sandcastles, there are children who knock down other children’s sandcastles. I am the child who runs on the beach and destroys the sand. The castles don’t even have time to appear.
Destruction
My moods at night are somewhat more destructive than during the day. In general, this reminds me of my relationship, when I understood that everything was over, and understood that it would happen either later or earlier. And always in such cases I chose the option “so… why not now?”.
I loved Daria as long as we had stable communication by letters. I knew that she would write an answer on a specific day or time. This gave an understanding of how the world works. Our world. Because with each person we have our own world. And, in a sense, I stopped loving when the schedule started to go wrong. All this refers me to the first long-term relationship, when I began to notice that “something was wrong”, and, as it turned out later, it was. Are people who had one love for their whole lives happier? I guess…
If everyone knew what things I get hurt by (or self-harm) – it would immediately become clearer to them why I’m not the best option for friendship. Because there are so many things in the world that will cause discomfort. If I start to continue this thought, I will come to the conclusion that I don’t want any discomfort, and… well, you get the idea.
For example, our communication with Aaron – I know that he may not answer right away, because he’s busy. He knows that I will answer when I have the mood and time for it. And it’s comfortable. This is the person to whom I have returned the most times in my life, without losing contact. Is it easier for me to be friends with men? Oh. These must be very specific men.
There are many things that I can say now and then regret. Therefore, I won’t say them, because I always know them for myself. And most of all, I would like Sa to shut up that other part of me. Because only she can. In a sense, Sa is the chains I tied myself with to teach myself to live a controlled life. That’s why I’m still here and haven’t done anything stupid.
Some people use asphyxiation in sex to get a more intense orgasm. I wonder if “marinating” yourself in pain and discomfort will give you more creative inspiration? I think I’ll have time to check it out…
And it will pass…
Sometimes I allow myself to forget about the transience of feelings. A word can give hope, another word can destroy it. And I always trust words very much. And should we trust actions?
In this world we live among PEOPLE. And we must always remember this. Each person has his own plan for life and for you. The only difference is that the plan for life remains with him, and the plans for you always change.
There is one criterion that never changes, and it is stable. And I believe in it. I won’t tell you what that criterion is. I’ll just give you a hint – if you’re reading this, you meet it 🙂
Taboo
I asked myself – when did nudity cease to be taboo for me, and why exactly did this happen? Where did that shyness, which has always been a significant part of me, go?
Apparently, things just appeared that scare me more than nudity. In a sense, the world around me became more naked than I am in my photos. But, probably, that’s not the point.
It’s hard to say what came first – the chicken or me, who started some kind of frank blog. And I remember that the first attempts were probably 6-7 years ago. Maybe even earlier. A long time ago, back in Odessa, we sold sex toys. Even then, the idea of opening a full-fledged store came to me. I had the desire and inspiration to write about all this. Moreover, even during my freelancing days (that’s, for a moment, when I was 21 years old) I think I already had to write some texts for a sex shop. Maybe memories just pop up in my memories of how we started selling such goods. Why am I here? In a broad sense, my openness to something like this was a long time ago. But the fact that nudity is the norm came to me with the beginning of the war, when my photos became more candid.
Open windows in European countries show that people have nothing to hide. The exposed skin in the pictures probably says the same thing..
Nothing is more infuriating than…
Shit that happens to you at the most inconvenient moment. Today I found out that my Panasonic (which is “newer”) has a memory slot that is out of order…and the HDMI connector there…hard to say how it’s connected, but I’m not even interested. Looking at the reviews, I’m not the only one (and it happens to people that the data from the card is not read later) this is a problem with the model itself. And it all happened at the very moment when money was already tight…
It’s sad. Either because it happened right now, or because I really liked the camera. And I was joking just today that “I had to change the G90 to a second S5.” And the story ends with the fact that the G90 will remain the main camera, because there is no other.
It’s hard, it’s sad, let’s…move on..?
Mess
There’s a mess in your head and in your life that you just can’t seem to get rid of. You try, but you feel like you’re constantly running out of time. For everything. To put something up for sale, to tidy up your table or yard. You want to be creative, but you don’t have time. You want to do something, but you don’t have enough time for everything. It’s as if someone is constantly stealing it from you… and summer passes, and the questions still aren’t closed with the feeling that you’ve piled up more plans than you could take out. Or just every time there’s something new and more important…
I sometimes turn on the save mode – when I think “nothing. Rest. It will get better later”, but that “later” still never comes.
If I had a psychologist, he wouldn’t like my thoughts. It’s symbolic when someone on Reddit, seeing your post with a photo, filed a complaint, and you received a message with “help lines.” But it’s not that bad. Yes, there are thoughts. Stupid thoughts. But this is not an option, at least now. When everything is not as scary as it could be. We just almost always don’t have money. Enough for basic needs, but no more. And again, there is a constant feeling that you have to do something to make them appear, although it depends little on you. It’s also not an option to go to work for $ 125 a month, because they won’t save you. They will probably make the psychological component worse, but it would be harder to get out of it. I’m fighting with myself, and only I know how difficult it can be sometimes. And the question is not whether I should take some medication or something else. This is the part that you have to control yourself. And sometimes it seems to me that I am such a puzzle, a couple of pieces of which were eaten by some cat, and, accordingly, it is impossible to assemble it. But I have crossed that Rubicon, when I could easily have rolled into the abyss. However, I myself, sometimes, am this abyss, which, as if sucking into the void everything that I do and what inspires me, and cannot somehow be filled, or something…
I’m increasingly thinking that the third tattoo would be the phrase “I do not deny the pain, I am her disciple.”