..While you are still sleeping, while you are still me…
Saint Creature ..the problem with working at night was that sometimes I would just turn on a song, play it in a loop, humming it softly to myself…and an hour or two would pass like that… Read More
Thoughts
Come to your senses
In the Ukrainian language there is a word “схаменутись”, which in English sounds like “to come to your senses”. It sometimes reminds me of Chinese, when one word in one language conveys more depth than a few words in another. It’s like just kissing someone instead of a few words, conveying the whole essence of the thought.
I was wondering the other day if this isn’t my stopping point. Isn’t it the moment, isn’t it the environment? Aren’t it the people around me when I should come to my senses and stop searching? And here you can say that this is the beginning and the end. Because you can’t stop and stop life at some point. The world is dynamic. It decides what you will have and when and with whom. The world exists in many planes simultaneously, where each person has their own universe, the events in which affect other universes. To convey the idea more clearly – it’s like the moment when you study in college and you have friends, a company. Over time, you graduate and everyone runs away. The number of variables becomes such that you can’t physically continue to exist in the same plane. In this sense, it’s funny to watch stories from movies, when there is such a term as “college friends”, who interact even after a decade or a half. I wonder, do you, readers of this blog, have many friends from college or university? Huh?..
You can see the whole universe in a person or anything, but usually the more you see in someone, the further they become from you. So you should always keep some distance. You should always have backup options. You should always remember that the world is too changeable to believe in anything in the plane of time. And while some people think about how infinite the universe as a whole is, I narrow it down to the people around you, and try to understand how these small bodies work. Because only by understanding where it all begins can you find out how it all ends.
Medusa/Bouquet/Salute (art by Sasha Kuznetsova )
There are things that fascinate me so much that it is difficult to even convey the emotional background they carry. Especially when it concerns someone’s work. Read More
Diary of a Spoiled Sa
..about sex in minus 20… Read More
Only happy when…
There are several interesting facts related to each other. The first of them was that this song/work was dedicated to her. In the full sense. It sounded something like “I’m happy only when we communicate”. I guess I should admit it.
The second interesting fact is that I am still blocked on Devi. Yes, I got curious, I checked – now I am blocked. And for some reason this makes me happy. Because it connects all the dots and no “accidentally liked”. It’s convenient when you are not the one who blocks. So as not to save it somewhere in the lists.
The third is “replacement syndrome”. Because I completely replaced the person who disappeared from my life with others. With someone I communicate pleasantly and share a worldview. With someone we are mutually inspired by creativity, and this is valuable. I love them and what they create.
I have come a long way and am leaving this sadness behind. With a pure heart and a sense of completion. When a person doesn’t just appear in your life by some random chance. So…now I’m “happy not only when it rains”.
I hate
It’s interesting that one of the last, if not the last, posts of the year will be about hate.
I caught myself thinking that I hate the fact that when I look at certain people who either organized a concert for themselves (meaning their own), or something else. And you understand that they were able to do it because they have some acquaintances or friends who helped them do it. In other words, they have this “shoulder” that you have never had in your life.
They say that in a relationship, someone loves, and someone allows themselves to be loved – and sometimes it feels like everything works the same with someone’s help. There are those who help someone, and it’s you, and there are those who just need your help. They are simply not created to help you yourself, even in some small way. Simply because they are not created.
If you look at it more broadly. From the angle that everything in life is based on love – even if it is “blind fanaticism”, it follows that if a person does not love you – they will not want to help you with anything. Because when you love someone – you try to do everything for them. And it turns out that no one loves you.
Every time I catch myself thinking that our relationships (family) are based on that. That for the most part, you can only rely on yourself. There are occasional people who sincerely try to help you, but in a general sense, it doesn’t work that way. With the feeling that you were simply not born with some kind of golden spoon up your ass.
That’s exactly why I’m so attached to people like Kasia, who somehow reacted positively to what I was creating – and that’s it. It seems to you that at least someone has appreciated what others have devalued. And you start clinging to such people. To make an icon out of them.
There is a sense of hopelessness when you realize that there is no solution to all this. Simply because everyone has their own path in life. And if you really can’t touch someone with something that they will like – your path is the path of a loner.
This is sad..
Fetish Shop
I thought that I would like to open a Fetish Shop. Literally. Sell things that relate to someone’s fetishes. For example, start selling (officially?) toys from Bad Dragon in Ukraine. Or various costumes, dresses for role-playing games. Moreover – latex costumes. Represent our brands that produce BDSM paraphernalia (yes, I have already come across such). It would be intriguing, because in my opinion only people with strange fetishes can be interesting. If you want to find friends – look among your own kind))
This requires a big budget, so I’m not sure that I will ever be able to implement it. But… our life consists of projects that we either implement or not. Who knows how it will go on. Right?..
Changes
Unnoticeably to myself, I have become too cautious. I no longer make sudden purchases or gifts. Everything is weighed. Measured. I don’t buy things because I “just like them,” but I really consider whether I can afford to pay, for example, $25 for a router. Is that too much? I plan to pay the router itself, which costs $62, in installments, with the understanding that now, this previously ridiculous amount, is becoming unaffordable for me. Maybe until spring. Maybe until we can work at full capacity again, but not yet.
It’s funny, but I even have a budget divided by income. What I spend on expensive goods and what on cheaper ones, even those that will bring more income. I have to check every penny so that one thing matches the other. I plan to heat the house with firewood for at least a couple of months in the winter to save those $166 on gas (although almost the same $166 were spent on firewood). And this savings is in many ways.
The other day I was surprised how many alcohol bottles were in the garbage bag. It is clear that it is not “for a month” or even a year, but it is a fact. You look and understand how much money is spent, including on such nonsense. But if you do not smoke (hello 100 UAH per pack per day/two), it is not scary to drink something 1-2 times a week. Is it scary?..mich gerh laughs at me during these thoughts, because well…because.
Even in the creative realm, it’s a funny moment right now – every time I go to wash, I shave a separate part. Hoping that the day will come, and “after finishing everything else, I’ll go and photograph myself again.” I want that. To do dark things, illuminating them in photos. Sounds good, doesn’t it?..
It’s three o’clock again. Time to sleep…
For the future
Let go of the past, learn not to cling to people and memories that, like chains, pull you back, chaining you to the foundation. Stop thinking about other people’s problems as your own. Stop trying to make everyone’s life better, including those who are not close to you emotionally. Stop trying to take part in everything you can “get into”. Stop missing things you can never do again and places you can never visit again.
Not thinking about what could have been different or better in this or that place. Going towards the goal, no matter how difficult it may be. Not stopping in the search for a place that will become your home until the last day. A place that you will always want to return to.
Find a job that you will do and get income from it. Do only what you want and think is necessary. Live and look without looking back at your past life. Do everything that you were afraid of and that previously seemed strange and wrong to you. Believe in yourself and that each coming year will be better than the last.
I don’t remember when exactly I wrote this. Or when I lost hope of returning from where I served. Or after a suicide attempt. Or at some other time. But I wrote them to give myself advice on how to continue living. What rules to follow. What path to take. It’s interesting that the last paragraph came true first of all. I think the rest will also happen…
Small creative works
I have never perceived blog posts as something big. Quite the opposite. When you start a new blog (and I still remember how it happened with my other blog, more than 10 years ago), you think “okay. This is a post. But it’s only one. Who will be interested in one post? There should be many of them! Only then will everyone find something of their own! And will come back to you”. But now I have thought about the fact that each such post is a big job. This is a great achievement. This is something that already exists and will exist in this world, and over time people will return to it. If it is useful. And this is what happens with my old blog, where people read articles that were written several years ago and became relevant right now, during the power outage.
Each article is a big job. Even if it is written in a hurry – the main thing is the meaning that you put into it. And a successfully written article can make your blog famous like some famous song that has resonated in the hearts of many. So don’t underestimate each individual post.