Thoughts

Personal Thoughts

Black hole

Saint Creature 2 Comments

It seems like there’s too much time, but for some reason there’s not enough of it for anything. It’s like you’re doing your daily chores, trying to get everything done, but in fact…in fact, the main thing is to improve your health.

I don’t like periods when I can’t control my physical condition. That is, I don’t understand how to get out of the hole I’ve found myself in. So let’s try to get treated as prescribed by the doctor, and then we’ll see. Because everything is “not quite” as we would like.

I’m trying to keep two blogs, Pulse (where I try to win contests), Deviant, I don’t even look at Reddit anymore. I postpone posts a little bit. I don’t have the strength or the opportunity to write new ones right now, but I still do them from time to time. I have a lot of things to do and I need to get everything done, but…there are always some “buts”.

Money has become a little easier, which is very pleasing. By the end of March, I would like to close the money issue and move forward. Because too many debts have accumulated. Is it realistic to pull out all the plans? I hope so. There is still time, but I hope for some “luck”. Maybe life will give me the same chance? Maybe at least once?..

People Personal Thoughts

Each evening has its own plan

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Every evening, when my time comes, I have my own plan for it. That is, I plan what I will do for the next few hours. Sometimes it is posting photos on websites, sometimes repairing something. I have plans to film a video of repairing a camera and this will probably be the first video on the channel. The first video for an article. This is a laborious process, so I put it off until last. Today I restored the battery of a screwdriver. The process went well, although it was the first time. I also managed to shoot a micro-video with a tentacle for a post on the main blog and also took a few photos with it. But that’s not what this is about.

I planned these thoughts, and I’m trying to collect them. I found a person, and it almost ended with a breakdown in the spirit of “deleting Facebook” (well… you know. I have this happen to me. Or not? Oh…). But I didn’t. Because it’s pointless now. I think the best option is to develop these relationships. For many reasons “why”. It is appropriate to mention Placebo:

“Time will help you through
But it doesn’t have the time
To give you all the answers
To the never-ending why”

I can’t explain why you shouldn’t impose yourself on someone. Maybe that’s why it’s perceived as an imposition? I think so.

I don’t deserve new people with my current perception of other people. Because I think more than usual about what I can get “in the near future”. But the question should be asked differently – what can I give? And this is the main question that I can’t answer.

The other side of the question has always been that people need exactly the little that you can give – sincere interest, words of encouragement. When you are interested in what a person writes simply because you are really interested.

An eternal struggle with myself. I am learning to be a Creature. Not to make the mistakes that I would have made before, and to listen more to my inner voice.

Personal Thoughts

The face is tense – a devastated smile

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I look exhausted. And old. This situation with the lack of income is taking a toll on my health, especially today. It’s nice to think that you still have a chance and opportunities, but now I see that both chance and opportunities have been taken away from me. This country has taken away both of those things from me. It makes me want to just take a ticket with my last money and go somewhere else, look for another, better life. What will it be? Probably, any one will be better now. Simply because I’m tired of living the way I am now, depending on… people. If no one buys anything from you – no one needs you. I’m not sure that we will be able to go to my nephews in the spring, since for now, literally, there is no money even for food. Of course, there is something to sell and close the issue “for now”, but I don’t want to stay here any longer. Because without free income – I have nothing here. Absolutely. We have a house, but it has no meaning or value if you can’t pay for its maintenance, and that’s exactly what it’s going to do now. And I see how this country, having drunk the juices out of people, has taken away my ability to buy something. Others are suffering – I’m suffering too. And I don’t want to think about what it will be like there after the war and in general. I just want not to think about this country at all. Because it has taught me only that it constantly takes something away…

Hobby Personal Thoughts

‘Cause my money, see, it don’t grow(c)Ynk

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I do things that don’t sell, but there is always one buyer. That’s me. And when you look at a gallery and you like the result of your work, you’re on the right track. Because this is your world. In general, no matter what a person does, their creativity is their inner world. Any creativity. That’s why I love different creativity and different people.

And the main thing I want to see in a person’s work is two things. The first of them is their soul, and the second is the desire to see the final result in their creativity. Because I’ve seen more than once how what starts to sell ceases to be what inspires you. That’s why I understand that certain people try to make money with their talent, but I love those who see a certain psychotherapy in their creativity. An attempt to find themselves in this world, to find people like them, to find those who will share their world. Because loneliness, even with money, is a very scary thing.

People Thoughts

Alcohol like a sex..

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I caught myself thinking that for me, drinking with someone…stranger is like having sex with just anyone. That is, you can, but why? While promoting the topic “why doesn’t everyone sleep with everyone”, I came to the conclusion that there is no point in this. For example, you can catch some kind of disease. A person can be sloppy (in your understanding), a person can be interested “in themselves”. A person can behave in a way that we find unpleasant. It’s just that in sex there are more “animal” instincts, and then there is the very essence of alcohol as such. So, to the idea that you shouldn’t sleep with just anyone, you come to another – that, respecting yourself, you also shouldn’t drink with people you don’t…respect? Probably.

As Dasha once said – “a person is not my level”. Well, apparently, in this interpretation, it is somewhere like that.

Thoughts

Nothing to say

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Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more often that I’m “burned out” on writing something, and now, my attempt to write a big post for the main blog almost ends in a fiasco because… I don’t know what to write about. I don’t know how to write good reviews about TV series, I don’t know how to tell stories about actors, and I’m not the kind of person who would study huge amounts of information just to say “a famous actress starred in the series that you might have seen…”, because I myself haven’t seen that actress anywhere else. Could this very blog reader have seen her somewhere? Or is it even important to tell it? But the point is not that, but that I simply have “nothing” to tell. To convey some idea. I understand technical articles, but others are too difficult for me to reproduce right now. I can’t just take this text and publish 1,000 words about something I watched or heard. Simply because there is no inspiration, but… it has been gone for quite some time.

So… should I have ended it there? It’s hard to say. But I understand that I need some kind of “restart” to make everything work again. All that remains is to find a way to do it…

Personal Plans Thoughts

Letters for Silence

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Today I caught myself thinking that I don’t want to be in silence. To write for silence, to create for silence. I want to be seen, to be heard. So that what I do has a response. And I don’t expect it to be a response at the level of the previous blog. At least in the first years of its existence. But, at the same time, I already see that there are people who like my posts on social networks, although I started my new path only a month and a half ago. I see that there are visits to the blog. I see that there are creative people who are on the same wavelength with me. And I see inspiration in this. I have a desire to create something and share it. To develop it all. To go through trials and experiments.

I think that this engine in itself will become both a reason for a deeper study of the language and an increase in the desire to integrate into some other system. To be part of another world. And let someone say that “everything new should be started before 25-30 (years)”, but I believe that only now you see and feel what you want, and in which direction to move further.

I am sincerely inspired by the idea that some people achieved success only after 40 years, because I also see and feel that only now can I choose the direction in which to live the next part of our lives. I believe that 2025 will be a breakthrough. And I will do everything to catch up with what was lost in the past two years. The past three years.

Thoughts

I don’t like exhibitionists

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I don’t like exhibitionists. People who focus their creativity on their genitals. In my opinion, there’s nothing super important about showing your penis or vagina to the whole world. There’s already too much of that. Why not approach it from a creative perspective? I like eroticism, but I don’t like too much frankness. I can see art in the demonstration of genitals only if there is another context, that is, when something else is depicted besides them. Some essence. An idea. But not just a piece of your meat. I don’t like the idea that people see something “related” in you, even though what you do is about something completely different…

But as it is. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be such people, I just don’t understand the meaning of such creativity.

Personal Thoughts

Separate fears

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Today I encountered an interesting phenomenon, when in a dream you do not understand that you are dreaming, you perceive it as reality, and you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation that causes you conflicting feelings. It was about some institution (again, hello psychiatry), where I was. Subconsciously I felt that it would again be about fitness for military service or something like that. And I did not care what conclusion they would make, I just wanted to leave the place where they were keeping me, but they did not give me clarity when this would happen. Because by the sensations I had been there for a week or so, again, remembering the “laws” of psychiatry, I internally understood that they should keep me for at least three weeks, and that they would hardly let me go earlier.

In general, what is the treatment of military personnel in a hospital? Especially when you are in a place where, theoretically, a person can be demobilized from military service? This is an institution that you don’t like to be in, that has its own laws, and that, at the same time, doesn’t give you clarity or awareness of what will happen to you next and where you will be. So…it’s a kind of torture, just without obvious physical impact. More about the psychological one.

Two things cause discomfort in me – one is living in that reality when you dream such horrors, and you understand perfectly well why you dream them. The other is the fear of what problems you may encounter if you try to escape from these fears of yours. That is, we are also talking about fear, but not of what is, but of what could be. Therefore…at a certain time I will have to choose between what is scarier – the reality that is, or the one that could be.

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