Saint Creature

Don’t humiliate yourself

You again felt like you missed a chance. But..was there any chance? I continue to reflect on the person’s behaviour, and I understand that it is useless to blame yourself for everything that happened. That is, the person disappeared for no reason. Appeared 3-4 days later in the form of a comment in a completely different place. And you get the feeling that the person is just so comfortable. Not to be interested in others, but to appear when and where it is convenient. When it is convenient for them.

There are many things in which I would like to be wrong. So that I can be a little fool who makes mistakes again. But if not, then I will be a big fool if I decide that the problem is me and start humiliating myself.

I wrote a letter apologizing for the situation and wished the best, just to close this issue for myself. I deleted the message for myself, so as not to go back there, not to look at the profile, not to be interested. Because I told her that I trust the person immediately and completely. Because I fall in love with every interlocutor who answers me more often than others, or rather simply answers. And it’s not about building a future and marriage, but about the fact that you want to maintain communication with a certain periodicity, to which you get used.

I am guilty of actively supporting this communication and believing in it. I was ashamed of the very thought that I could somehow use a person so that he could help with the organisation in a new place if we decided to go there to work.

Sometimes communication for me resembles poison, which I poison myself with every time, forgetting about the consequences. And now I am again raking these consequences and getting from them…

Selectivity 2.0

It’s interesting that we are used to perceiving certain situations through the idea that we still have a choice. For example, we paid for a thing in an online store, and we imagine that we still have a choice until we pick it up. But the choice has already been made. The same is true in this situation. Here the ladder effect works, when you think about the option when you are asked “why”, but you have cut everything off so that there is no point in asking anything. That is, your previous actions are already the answer to the question, and the issue is resolved. Although for yourself you imagine that everything is still not so.

The fact is that it is always easier for us to perceive everything through the idea that we always have, at least, a couple of options for the development of events. But in the world we move along something like rails that lead us along a more or less specific path. And you can, for example, write to a person you once knew. And here too there are two options – you can pretend to be someone else when you write to the same person, and… this is a path that leads you nowhere, because you will never be able to say that you are the person the person knew before. The second option is to be yourself and… say hello, or something else. And here again there are two options – you will either be recognized (after some time has passed) and will be treated coldly, or you will not be recognized, and this will mean that in general you will not be remembered. That is, any development of events regarding a person with whom we have already crossed paths in this world has 3 conditional development options that lead to a negative result.

I have not encountered “any other” developments of events, beyond those I listed above. That is why our perception of choice is not that it has limitations, but its results are known in advance. So technically I am thinking about emptiness.

Sometimes

I think I should make an “And” for “And” and write all the stupid things that come to my mind in it. Make it closed so that only I can read it.

I used to not understand why people keep closed diaries if no one can read them. At 35 I understood – but I don’t need to write down my thoughts, because my destructive thoughts are always with me. There are children who build sandcastles, there are children who knock down other children’s sandcastles. I am the child who runs on the beach and destroys the sand. The castles don’t even have time to appear.

First successes

My profile has been accepted for work with Redbubble

There are certain steps in life when you are happy about something, even seemingly insignificant. At the end of last year, I started creating new content for my new self. And in those 8 (or 9?) months, I have a hundred followers on Deviant. But that is a relative achievement. The real achievement is that I started to pay attention to creativity as such, trying to promote myself. I also managed to create an account on Patreon, where anyone can support my creativity. And now, today, I was given permission to sell things with my designs on Redbubble.

I hope this will be one of the first steps towards creative work and independence. Of course, I understand that not everyone succeeds, and I do not bet that my creativity will be as unique, but this is at least an attempt to declare myself as a content creator.