Wish that it could be enough…

When you say you’re in love…

I woke up with one thought in my head, which… turned into another. And here’s what it’s based on.

I couldn’t understand why the song People Leave by Lauren Presley evokes such emotions in me. I dumped it on her, saying that she was close to her, but… in fact, she was close to me. And this is the same emotion that drives me into a stupor. And this is the very moment when trust is destroyed not from one side, but from two. It’s just that someone is trying to restore it, and someone is simply afraid to trust. Afraid that history will repeat itself again. Afraid that he will again receive his, even greater, portion of pain. Because, in fact, he was not the one who left last. He wasn’t able to say the last words…

“Wish that it could be enough
When you say you’re in love
Wish it was simple to trust
When you say it as much as you can, and I still don’t hear you
Over the voices inside, they’re sayin’ that I have too many issues
And I

Hate that I’ve always believed
Lettin’ somebody love me
Means they’ll be somebody I’ll grieve”

In 2011, my relationship with a girl I dated for almost 4 years ended. She was mentioned in one of my last works, where it was stated that “a person earned my trust, and now he doesn’t know what to do with her.” I tried to figure out then what exactly was wrong. But she said that everything was fine. The result was that she went to another person. The same in this situation. I’m interested in how the past relationship with a friend ended. I’m trying to summarize our connection, what happened at the first stage, at the second, what’s happening now. And my constant stress is caused by the fear that today a person says that he loves, and tomorrow, from some wrong word of mine, or wrong work to the wrong song, which will be perceived differently, history can repeat itself. And I will again be with a broken, bleeding heart.

“Sorry I’m so obsessed with the idea i’ll die alone
Sorry I get so in my head and it’s hard to let you close
But when I let you in I’m codependent that’s not me
It’s the girl who’s still in pain
Who never watched them stay
And watched them walk away
Cause people leave”

Maybe that’s why my need for communication is not a desire to own a person, or to occupy 100% of their time. It’s just an opportunity to make sure that the person is still here. Nearby. That they haven’t disappeared anywhere. Yesterday I had a strange story when I tried to go to her Instagram page, and saw some error that reminded me of the same one that was when she blocked me there. The first thought that flashed through my mind was “..really, is this again?..” Because my trust was destroyed, that this could not happen… that this could not happen again…

“Yeah they’re good at confirming my doubts
So I’m anticipating
You letting me down
So here I am waiting, but you keep showing up
And you never run
I’m fighting the fear
That the day will come
Where I’ll be waking up to an empty bed
But it’s just a dream no you never left”

The only question at home is, will I be able to overcome this fear someday? Will I be able to trust a person again? Will I be in a certain “tremor” every day that this could happen at any time and will definitely happen again. Maybe that’s why I’m looking for confirmation that I’m real to her. Maybe that’s why I asked about that page. Maybe that’s why the question isn’t about my relationship to the person or my need for their time, but about the fear that lives in me…
I didn’t want her to feel those emotions from the divorce and the destruction of the world again, but maybe that was also a mirror reaction? When I also didn’t want those emotions to repeat themselves for myself…

Ps post from September 2 last year, in a sense, confirms all these fears… https://www.and.ibecomeacreature.com/so/

Another post from the same September 2, says that I still hoped that everything would be restored. That girl would return. But…it happened as it happened..and only silence surrounded the room..https://www.and.ibecomeacreature.com/the-world-has-not-changed/