It’s not hard to find someone you can give love and warmth to. Encourage. Be a light. And they can shine in return. It’s much harder to find someone who will be fascinated by you. Well. It may be hard for a while, but that doesn’t mean I’ll sit around and be sad. I’ll just find someone else to support.
Sometimes it seems to me that they tell me certain things to evoke some emotion. Jealousy? Maybe. Although it is unlikely to be as deep as I am thinking about it now. Because if you are jealous – you are already hooked. But I would not want to be hooked.
If you think about the question “What does a woman want?” – you will find the answer in a simple “Everything and immediately”. To be loved by everyone, to be given attention. She wants to be seen and done first. To be recognized by everyone as the best. And she will try. Will try to be better in sex, in cooking, in leisure. It will be important for her to fill any empty niche where she can get. But what if the niches are already filled?
There are things that we do subconsciously. That is, not because of some grand plan. But simply because we do them without even thinking about them. And in communication I have become very careful. Because I see the mines that are being planted for me. You can be too frank with someone, but one fine day this frankness of yours will stab you in the back with a knife. And this is not about trust. This is about human nature. Human essence.
I get tired of games – and this is a fact. There comes a moment when I stop understanding why exactly I play this game.
When I ask myself – what does she need, I understand what exactly. This makes me sad. Because she needs emotion. Feelings. This is energy vampirism, just in a different form. And the only question is – how much will I agree with it.
…On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
There are cases when you can understand my mood from the lyrics of the song I attached. So I warn you right away that the opposite is the case here 🙂
The situation has leveled out, and I call it “friendly love”, when you treat a person as a brother or sister. With some warmth in your soul and in a calm state. In general, it resembles some kind of disease that you have to get over. Sometimes the condition improves, sometimes it worsens. And two options – either you die, or you recover and will be stronger. This immunity will not be for other people or a similar situation. But it will allow you to feel comfortable in the conditions that you are in now.
In fact, I am glad that everything is like this. And if in marriage there are certain “critical” years, then in my friendship with someone these are, more often, critical months or weeks. If you get through them – it is easier for you. I perceive people and situations more easily. And this is better for everyone. So… a warm journey for us in our relationships. She is a very kind and close person, and I feel it. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say this – she is as close now as she can be and can afford to be. And we also have interesting musical tastes 🙂
I wanted some kind of expression. Something that I definitely haven’t done before. And this is it. The devil is in the details, so to create this inscription…paint was used. Paint and sperm. Bringing a double meaning to the work.
We always know where a person is born from, but we never know where our creativity comes from? From people? From feelings? I think that people and feelings serve as a kind of trigger. In fact, every work is born from something else. From love? From the desire to convey the inner world and find people like us? I don’t know. Because often the people who are inspired by our creativity don’t inspire us. Or vice versa, we love someone else’s creativity, but we are ignored. Although it seems to you that all you need is for a person to maintain contact.
My creativity is born from darkness. Not abstract or fantasy. From the darkness of my soul. That’s probably why I often have “bloody” works. That’s probably why I often use the red colour of light. Because blue is cold, and green is nothing. Only in red do I see things the way I would like to see them.
She should be ten in a little over a week. If you made something with papier mache and you have paper left over – it’s just garbage. Leftovers from work. If you wanted a child, and got a tombstone – this work that I did today is probably the best thing you can use such material for.
“This is the end
So long my friends
Stars always seem to fade
It’s a little to late to…
With bloodstained hands
I make amends
Stars always seem to fade
It’s a little to late to start over again”(c)The Warning
In general, this is the end of this relationship. Quiet, calm. As if nothing is finished, but, in general, no one obliges me to somehow more or less meaningfully respond to comments.
Sometimes, to understand that you and a person are at different poles, you need a little more. A couple of words, a couple of days. A couple of thoughts. There are certain things that trigger me. This is the fact that a person has a secure life, and she “doesn’t know what to do”, and you think whether she will be able to earn money somewhere, or whether it would be easier to shorten her life. And already at this point you have strong disagreements. Yes, we are united by the view on creativity (in places) and music, but otherwise… you can never cling to a person just because they like what you create. You need to cling to those who, first of all, inspire you with their creativity. Who lives it.
She was unpleasant to communicate by e-mail. And it was felt. She replied because she felt obligated, but overall it’s not her topic. It’s sad. I also know she didn’t visit this blog, so thoughts were always freely expressed here. Because you’re not interesting enough to a person to delve into this world.
I think that communication exclusively in the realm of creativity is the little that can be left. But I bet it will last until the “next victim” who again wants more active communication. And she will switch to someone else. Only a matter of time…
However, I still came to the conclusion that this is really a passion for my work. Looking at the reaction to other people’s work. However, again, what difference does it make?..I can give her what she needs, but I don’t get what I need..
Actually, I would (probably) like it to last longer than a week. Because I feel like I’m in a crowded room. I mean, I’m used to being given attention as if it were me. I usually only communicate with one person at a time. Am I jealous? Yes. I’m the kind of person who wouldn’t be jealous of their partner in terms of sex, because it’s just sex, but I’m… jealous of deep communication with someone? But I don’t think so either. I feel like I’m jealous of people other than my own. That is, I’m jealous of those who should be jealous of me. It’s funny.
I’m glad for the inspiration that these relationships give me, but if you list the works I’ve done, you can come to the conclusion that about 4 out of 5 are created not for joy, but for pain. When you gnaw out an emotion from yourself because of an internal dispute.
And she also agreed that we need a break until the end of the week. So…so, I guess there will be enough communication in the comments. I don’t want personal communication, to get into someone’s life and in general. Because I’m starting to fall in love with a person somehow stupidly, and not in the sense that it’s controlled or uncontrolled – I just know how painful these consequences will be for me. This is not the person I should love – I know that for sure. And “Sa” tells me “if not to love, then what’s the point of it all?” And I don’t know what to answer her. I just feel that this infatuation will come out sideways for me. And I just know that this person doesn’t need me. She’s interested in me as a freak. As something unusual that’s not in her collection yet. That’s why she has such an attitude towards my work. Because it’s atypical for a man. It’s not bad, you just have to understand that we’ll never be friends in the broad sense. Because I’ll always be left at a certain distance. So… a break in communication until the end of the week, but, in general, it doesn’t matter… how long it lasts.
..it will be mine..
Then I will ask myself – at what turn did I take the wrong turn and end up in hell. Where exactly did the mistake happen and what?..
If you slow down and think, you very quickly violated the boundaries. This is the first problem. The second problem was that the boundaries are open. In the communication of an adult man and a young girl, there are two fools – a young girl who is typical of this. And a man who does not think about the consequences. In the communication of two adults, there are two fools – an adult man and an adult man. Because there are games that you play too without farce. And you always have to keep your distance. First of all, for yourself. Because right now you do not remember yourself a week ago. Because the wall always catches up with the one who rushes against it.
Never think that two adults can have common goals in communication. But always remember that when their goals diverge – it will be very, very bad. The consequence of all this will be what you said or did. Because you still don’t know the person you’re talking to. And that’s a fact.
Just remember this fact every time you write or think something. Because the world lives by the rules, when all your words can be used against you.
After an accident, there is always glass left. Look – don’t cut yourself.
My creative engine is running, and I like that now I have more inspiration and ideas than before. I regularly publish something on Reddit, on Patreon. From time to time, Redbubble receives new works. And that’s good. I don’t believe that it will ever bring a full-fledged income, but it’s enough for me that I live from it. I see the point in creating something new every time. That I manage to find fairly cheap materials for my creativity. That I have the equipment for this. The idea of going to work is scary only because I won’t have all the paraphernalia that I have at home, but I think that if I want, I can always come up with something. Because I like the path of creativity, not even in terms of earnings, but in terms of self-development. And that’s already a story. This blog is a story. The creativity that I publish is all the beginning of a big story. My story.
Але не можу не думати про це
Маленькі люди просто виживають
«Великі» будують на кістках
Навіщо це? (Навіщо це?)…(c)Redengy
I allowed myself the text and the title in Ukrainian, because it is impossible to translate it meaningfully. Therefore, I decided not to translate it. In general, the main thing in this excerpt is the very question “Why is this?..” – and I thought about it. Why do middle-aged married women seek communication with…other men? I can explain it easily – it has always been easier for me to communicate with women, a very rare man will “put up with” me. Or I him. When and how. It is harder with women. I will not measure it in percentages now, but I know that a certain percentage is connected with the desire to see that her “feminine power” is still working. That she can be interesting. I walk on a sharp edge with all these considerations. But I can’t do without them.
I think that middle-aged women see an opportunity to try something else, and from my feelings they are ready to give up everything for the sake of something else. But on one condition – guarantees. A guarantee that life will not become worse than it was. Although this is a very cynical point of view and I don’t like it. I just feel that something is wrong. That is, the goals and desires of the average middle-aged woman are a mystery to me. I already have several examples of such people, and each time I can’t understand what exactly they need. I remember our communication with Serafima, and that, simply endless feeling of a “spare airfield”. I felt it so much and got so tired of it that I decided to just end the communication. And in these cases I simply can’t understand the goals.
We all know that we are given limited access to information, or rather, exactly as much as we should receive. But why so much of it? Is this an experiment on the topic of reactions to various stimuli? Is it just a mystery in oneself? Or so that, in case of something, you can simply disappear from life without leaving a trace?
Objectively, every person, starting communication, has some goals. We never know them. Goals come at different levels. The minimum goal is pleasant feelings from conversations, new acquaintances. Whatever you call it, it still leads to something like falling in love and novelty. In relationships, we try to find those feelings that we do not already encounter in these relationships. The plus and minus here is one – it is all temporary. So a permanent partner plus “falling in love from time to time” is a completely normal course of events. A person’s goals become clear at the moment when we see how much we are allowed to close people. We need to be introduced somehow. How can a woman introduce her husband to another adult man with whom she communicates? Either as an interlocutor (friend), or a lover. There is no third, neutral option. So when she introduces him to her husband, it is a certain openness, when you have a specific role in their relationship. From the opposite – if she does not introduce him, he may not even guess about this communication in general. And in this case, a person’s goals can be anything. Mostly, it all depends on the man “on the other end of the wire”.
So the starting point of the relationship is how official you are made. Although these are all just my thoughts and only…
If I were a weather forecaster, it would always rain when the sun was actually shining outside the window. Because I’m such a lousy “weather forecaster.”
Would I want my forecasts to come true at all? I don’t think so. Because I always think about the worst.
Today I thought about the fact that if I met my old friends now, we wouldn’t be friends. Not because they’re bad people. We’ve just become very different. And this is a fact that I have to accept. If we met her, and I knew everything I know. Would I want to communicate? My thoughts change like a weather forecaster’s weather forecast. And in general, I would say no. But forecasts sometimes lie, and my internal weather changes according to a person’s attitude. If you put your principles on one scale, and trust and openness on the other, what will prevail?
It is trust and openness that make this communication desirable. It’s the trust and openness I lost with my old friends. She just doesn’t know how important it is to me.
Saint Creature