thoughts

Destruction

Saint Creature July 30, 2025 No Comments

My moods at night are somewhat more destructive than during the day. In general, this reminds me of my relationship, when I understood that everything was over, and understood that it would happen either later or earlier. And always in such cases I chose the option “so… why not now?”.

I loved Daria as long as we had stable communication by letters. I knew that she would write an answer on a specific day or time. This gave an understanding of how the world works. Our world. Because with each person we have our own world. And, in a sense, I stopped loving when the schedule started to go wrong. All this refers me to the first long-term relationship, when I began to notice that “something was wrong”, and, as it turned out later, it was. Are people who had one love for their whole lives happier? I guess…

If everyone knew what things I get hurt by (or self-harm) – it would immediately become clearer to them why I’m not the best option for friendship. Because there are so many things in the world that will cause discomfort. If I start to continue this thought, I will come to the conclusion that I don’t want any discomfort, and… well, you get the idea.

For example, our communication with Aaron – I know that he may not answer right away, because he’s busy. He knows that I will answer when I have the mood and time for it. And it’s comfortable. This is the person to whom I have returned the most times in my life, without losing contact. Is it easier for me to be friends with men? Oh. These must be very specific men.

There are many things that I can say now and then regret. Therefore, I won’t say them, because I always know them for myself. And most of all, I would like Sa to shut up that other part of me. Because only she can. In a sense, Sa is the chains I tied myself with to teach myself to live a controlled life. That’s why I’m still here and haven’t done anything stupid.

Some people use asphyxiation in sex to get a more intense orgasm. I wonder if “marinating” yourself in pain and discomfort will give you more creative inspiration? I think I’ll have time to check it out…

Every time

Saint Creature July 28, 2025 No Comments

Every time I meet a person, I think about why it’s like this? Why is my behaviour programmed to destroy? Why am I drawn to people, but in the event of a positive outcome, I destroy what could be called friendship? The brain sometimes throws up such-and-such options, like answers to questions that I have to think about – yes or no. It just threw up the idea that I simply don’t want to be loved. That is, when you see that a person loves what you do – you try to break this connection so that it doesn’t exist. That’s not why you plan a life together with a person or something else that won’t happen. But you don’t want anything to happen that will hurt you in the end. Therefore, calculating any scheme, you come to the conclusion that it will be less painful to break the connection now than to get pain in the future. And you will get it, because people are not eternal. Not in the sense of life expectancy, but in the sense that their admiration for you disappears. And in its place grows emptiness, which eats you up like a cancerous tumor, only there have been too many such tumors on your heart throughout your life, and they all bleed like ulcers in the stomach.

I can relate to my marriage in different ways, but so far this is the only unconditional contact that exists on a common interest. All these years I have tried to build something similar with people, only with the exception of sex. I even had thoughts that it is easier to lead a life with three than with two, but the third person should complement the existing relationship, and this is difficult, because you cannot find something permanent even alone with some other person. Because people are always looking for something else. People always need more than you are able to give them.

In this vein, a second question arises – if for me creativity is, among other things, a search for kindred spirits, and I come to the conclusion that when I find someone, I push them away. Then why is all this for? What is the purpose of the idea itself? I like to do various strange things, but I could do them for myself, limiting myself to a blog at most. To sometimes make some notes.

Sometimes I think that we are all like those broken clocks in a workshop, each of which always shows the wrong time relative to the others. And finding two clocks that would show the same thing is simply physically impossible. So we are born to study the construction of this world for half our lives, and the other half of our lives to suffer from what we have learned. There was once a song, there were the words “Remember all this and live with pain.” I could never argue with them, because there are no arguments to prove the opposite.

Sometimes there are thoughts that I publish, but I didn’t want anyone to read them, or someone specific to read them. But more and more I come to the conclusion that there is no difference – who reads and what. Because in each individual case I have already made my decision. It always consists in the fact that I highlight my thoughts on this topic.

Once, around 15-17 years old, I liked to find some information about the people I communicate with. Because I was interested in people. I agreed to tell how I found out, but after that I always stopped communicating with them. That was the condition. Now such posts are probably something like the same.

Always remember..

Take off your mask and
Show me your heart, I
Wanna rip it to pieces
I know it will hurt but
I promise you that you
Will always remember this feeling

If it isn’t now, then when?
And tell me
If it isn’t me, then who the fuck is it?
Go sleep it off
You’ll miss your shot
You’ll miss your shot (c) Yonaka

And it will pass…

Saint Creature July 26, 2025 No Comments

Sometimes I allow myself to forget about the transience of feelings. A word can give hope, another word can destroy it. And I always trust words very much. And should we trust actions?

In this world we live among PEOPLE. And we must always remember this. Each person has his own plan for life and for you. The only difference is that the plan for life remains with him, and the plans for you always change.

There is one criterion that never changes, and it is stable. And I believe in it. I won’t tell you what that criterion is. I’ll just give you a hint – if you’re reading this, you meet it 🙂

A few days of sex

Saint Creature July 24, 2025 No Comments

The creativity I’ve been doing the last few days is somewhat reminiscent of the feeling of having sex for several days in a row. You get tired of concentrating on ideas and implementing them. However…it was a very inspiring few days.

I need to get down to business, even though it’s the weekend. Although there are a couple more creative ideas that I’ll implement in the coming days, but they’re not so global and not tied to time 🙂

I’ll publish an “afterparty post” tomorrow)

Mess

Saint Creature July 19, 2025 No Comments

There’s a mess in your head and in your life that you just can’t seem to get rid of. You try, but you feel like you’re constantly running out of time. For everything. To put something up for sale, to tidy up your table or yard. You want to be creative, but you don’t have time. You want to do something, but you don’t have enough time for everything. It’s as if someone is constantly stealing it from you… and summer passes, and the questions still aren’t closed with the feeling that you’ve piled up more plans than you could take out. Or just every time there’s something new and more important…

I sometimes turn on the save mode – when I think “nothing. Rest. It will get better later”, but that “later” still never comes.

If I had a psychologist, he wouldn’t like my thoughts. It’s symbolic when someone on Reddit, seeing your post with a photo, filed a complaint, and you received a message with “help lines.” But it’s not that bad. Yes, there are thoughts. Stupid thoughts. But this is not an option, at least now. When everything is not as scary as it could be. We just almost always don’t have money. Enough for basic needs, but no more. And again, there is a constant feeling that you have to do something to make them appear, although it depends little on you. It’s also not an option to go to work for $ 125 a month, because they won’t save you. They will probably make the psychological component worse, but it would be harder to get out of it. I’m fighting with myself, and only I know how difficult it can be sometimes. And the question is not whether I should take some medication or something else. This is the part that you have to control yourself. And sometimes it seems to me that I am such a puzzle, a couple of pieces of which were eaten by some cat, and, accordingly, it is impossible to assemble it. But I have crossed that Rubicon, when I could easily have rolled into the abyss. However, I myself, sometimes, am this abyss, which, as if sucking into the void everything that I do and what inspires me, and cannot somehow be filled, or something…

I’m increasingly thinking that the third tattoo would be the phrase “I do not deny the pain, I am her disciple.”