There are people you don’t “follow” physically, but you follow spiritually. By visiting their pages. That’s more valuable. That connection. Because it’s about the connection. Because something makes you visit them, right? ..
A classic example of jealousy is in the realm of “who is this person following?”, but the scariest thing is in the head – when a person follows, even without following. It’s good that I’m talking about ordinary people, without any subtext.
An interesting question that I don’t have an answer to. What criteria should there be to be friends with someone and are they necessary at all?
I look at people in real life and see that they have fewer parameters or criteria for friendship. In the virtual universe, we limit ourselves to the parameters that we need for interaction. For a person to joke well, be interested in something related to what we are interested in, listen to something more or less similar and… only then do we see the point in interaction?..
Something inside tells you that you have to show something to be interesting to someone. The older you get, the more of a “multi-instrumentalist” you have to be. Jumping above your head? Yes, it’s possible. And in fact…
I think it’s enough to be yourself. And continue to create your own creative world. Creativity is something for which you will either be loved or hated. I have been convinced more than once that the most valuable people are those with whom you are in sync in creativity – when you like what another person does, and they like your creativity. This mutual inspiration gives the greatest “fruits”. I believe that this is how we will find ourselves with the same people 🙂
Sometimes I look at the numbers and see things that I don’t want. In general, these are new sites with almost no views. But I look at Threads, where there are a dozen or so people who don’t interact at all, and I understand that I don’t even need that many. Because the point is not in quantity, but in quality. And it only happens over time. So… let’s create 🙂
Self-identification is something that still haunts me. Because I scroll through various fragments of memories and myself, coming to the conclusion that I have never decided who I am. The post will be divided into several subsections, each of which will be about a certain topic. I guess I just want to somehow “arrange” everything. But will I succeed?..
Since my youth, I have loved the feeling of something entering me. Yes, yes, we are talking about anal caresses. Starting with the ridiculous – the fear that “you can get pregnant” like that, and ending with stealing condoms from my brother’s bedside table. It seemed to me that I was touching something “adult”. I was very sorry that they were actually enough for one time, but when something that was dressed in a condom entered me – it seemed to me that it was “the same”. Did I imagine then that a man was entering me? No. Did I have any ideas over time that my neighbor was “going inside” me? Yes. We were almost the same age, so it was perceived somehow strange and not at the same time. In fact, the main “sexual partner” for me at that time was… a plunger. A little big, but you don’t choose your lovers, right? 🙂
I had episodes when I stole my neighbors’ (girls) underwear and either put it on or masturbated in it. So this dispels the theory that I was sexually attracted to my gender. Moreover – in addition to sexual perception, I found the very idea of kissing a man disgusting. In a man, I could only be interested in one part of him, which I never sought direct acquaintance with. When my girlfriend and I got our first sex toy – I was secretly happy that “I would finally feel a real penis inside me.” But it wasn’t much different from my “old friend” with a wooden handle. It caused some sadness, so all subsequent attempts to find a “realistic penis” came to the collection of toys that we have. And for the most part, I’m satisfied with the sensations I’ve gotten lately.
I like the feeling that something fills me and stretches me. I also realize that with a strong character – when something fucks you, these are the same feelings when you can be weak. A kind of self-flagellation… with a penis? Exactly. You want everything dirty to come out of you, metaphorically, and you get rid of the negative emotions that were during this period. Can you perceive this as “being filled with something new”? Yes. You want to be filled so that it flows out of you. In every sense…
But I’ve never had sexual contact with men and a real penis. So it’s hard to send me to the bisexual or gay camp so that I can start to identify with them. Would I like such an experience?..time to move on to the next point.
For me, interaction with someone else – no matter what gender, is primarily spiritual. You have to “melt” into someone’s personality. Be a part of it, share thoughts, views on the world. That is, in fact, if I were to uncompromisingly fuck someone – it would be… myself. I mean a person who would have the same self-perception. The same cockroaches. At the same time, I would also not be against such experiences. But this person is something metaphorical, because finding a person who will be spiritually close to you is very difficult. It is even harder to find a person who would share your common views with your wife, so that she would somehow fit into this “puzzle of relationships”, and such an experience would be interesting for everyone. So, probably, there is no such person with whom there would be a desire to have sexual contact, because as one person sang, “sex without love is not interesting to me.” And here we go further.
Is it possible to love another man? In my understanding, gender does not matter, because as another singer said – “we do not have sex with the body. We have sex with the personality.” So, you can also love a personality. What a person is to you. It does not matter how the world perceives him – it is important who this person is to you. Here it is necessary to make a remark – I am very lucky with the relationship that I have now, because I am in a relationship with a person who understands me and understands my perception. This gives me freedom for self-expression, and makes life much easier. That is why I can write these thoughts freely, without fear that something will be perceived “not the way” I would like.
Any clarification of some important things for me in a conversation with other people shows me that I could not be with anyone else. At least because people are simply not able to perceive things that are absolutely familiar to me. Not to mention everything that I wrote here above. But it should be noted that under everything that was said above, you can draw a line. Its thesis will be that I do not perceive sex as sex. That is, I buy games with sexual overtones not in order to engage in “paid masturbation”. I like aesthetics. The emotions that what I see evokes in me. And this aesthetics, again, leads us to the fact that physically you can fuck with anyone. But you will feel the full “filling” of yourself with the body, spirit, and juices of a person only when you are close on a spiritual level. Only at that moment will you get what you would like to try.
My Sa is an integral part of my personality. But physically (appearance) I am closer to a man than to a woman. So I would not become the person who would want to change gender to be different. But this does not reduce my desire to be part of the “other camp”, which consists of some feminine moments of aesthetics. Clothes, makeup, a little sexual subtext. I like it, and I think that soon I will make new creative experiments. In which I will appear again in an alternative image. In the form of Sa. I am a being who prefers to be myself. Not limited by the framework of sexual or any other self-identification. Because since my youth there is both male and female in me. And I perceive both halves of myself. If ever there were such a person whom you would admire and dissolve in – I probably would not mind if she took possession of me not only spiritually, but also physically. She will have every right to do so. But the further I go, the more I think that this is a very abstract person. Whom one can search for all one’s life.
I don’t know how much of a coincidence this is, but it’s interesting that when we went to flea markets – several times (maybe because of the specifics of the things I was interested in and the fact that my face was not visible in the hood) I was addressed as a girl. And at work, when someone addresses me, the phrase “girls” sounds like I’m not even there. At least in terms of my physical gender. This has become more noticeable over the past year.
So, who do I consider myself to be? I consider myself to be Sa Crea. A being who simply wants to enjoy life, without being distracted by other people’s labels.
Yesterday’s film sparked renewed thoughts about why the world is the way it is.thou Read More
..in a diary of Jane,, Read More
We finished watching the series The Outlaws, and it led me to a certain reflection related to people.
The series showed a toxic relationship between a girl who was smart, but had a “hobby” of stealing something, and a guy who was less fortunate in life and wanted a quiet life instead of survival. And so their acquaintance led to the fact that she became a kind of “adrenaline junkie” who constantly wanted thrills, and the guy, on the contrary, tried to avoid problems with the law and in general. The story of the relationship ended with her leaving him, getting off the train before it was sent, and he left “for a new life”. Six months later they met – she, with a bunch of problems and he, in the life he aspired to. And then, suddenly, she remembers that she is “extremely in love with him”, but he has the sense not to continue the relationship with her, but to build a new one with a person who suits him better. What thoughts did all this make me think?
With a certain periodicity, you scroll through your head the thought of why you don’t continue communicating with people you once liked? Inspired you, caused some feelings? That is, there is some kind of seed living in you that believes (or simply perceives from memories) that your life would be better if you resumed communication “with someone from…”. But something stops you from doing this. And I think it is understanding. First of all, understanding the fact that your paths diverged (mostly) not even because of you. So there is nothing to turn back, because each person simply went their own way at a certain time. But…
Having your “ears” you hear that these “bells are not one-sided.” And this is where we are caught up in this same story from the series, when you tell the hero “well…well I hope you won’t do this stupid thing?..because I’ll stop respecting you”, only the hero is you.
I know that things that were in the past should stay there. But the healthy half understands this. I think that every person consists of another part besides it – the emotional part, multiplied by the memory part. That is, your subconscious says “but memories and emotions can’t deceive you” – and they really do. They don’t deceive, because there, at 15-17-20 years old, you experienced feelings that were for the first time in your life. Apparently, this is what draws you to them. As for reality – during this time you managed to get burned many times after that, and you can’t throw the opposite experience out of your memory either. This is what stops you.
In one song they sang “we will never be younger than today”. I think this applies to people too – because we will never be the same as we once were. So the emotions will be different every time. And I think the emotions that we can get from new people can be even brighter than those that can happen when communicating with someone old.
It remains to somehow convey all this to your brain.
If you imagine our life as a universe, and people as planets – over time, different bodies approach each other, and then, on the contrary, move away. And you, literally with your own hands, see how this happens around you. How people with whom you saw a common vision and things begin to perceive differently what you do. And you come to understand that your worlds, or the universe, are changing. Everyone changes at a different speed. Is this critical?
I used to be very sad because of the thoughts that something could change, you could stop communicating with someone, someone could disappear from your life. Now there is an understanding that in most cases there are those who are “here and now”. You either become related to them and move on, or… everyone has their own path and their own universe.
Perhaps this was the perception earlier that with moving, people and contacts that were there would be lost. Because you will become useless to anyone on the one hand, and on the other – everyone will become useless to you. You will have a new circle of friends, new faces around you. Your own reality. And this is more of a plus than a minus. Because the new reality will perceive you as new. From my feed on Facebook, I see how they don’t perceive me and I see that this me is not needed by those who needed that one. And there haven’t been any major changes yet. I haven’t had a few more piercings in my other ear, tattoos, and in general, most of me still lives “behind the screen”.
I just want to live and not think about how people will perceive your appearance or your creativity. So as not to even bother with all this… that’s why I want to move…
I decided to do a good deed – to pay a commission for one work on Deviant. I remembered how nice it is when you get a message that something has been purchased from you. Even if it’s something insignificant. It supports and inspires. Let this be a good start for this person. This artist 🙂
The year started hard because…for two weeks in a row, every day someone needs something. Few people are interested in how I’m doing and whether I need something, but everyone wants something from me. Some help, advice, so that I can do something for them. And, to be honest, I’m already burned out on helping someone with something. I want a person. I want communication. I want sincere interest. So that we mutually feed each other with inspiration and…I don’t know. I want to receive and give love, so that the main idea of the interaction between me and the person is this love itself. Do I want too much? Probably…
I want to disappear from this city and this country, and be where I will be the only one who decides who I want to help and who not. I don’t want to be convenient. I want to be out of reach. So that no one can not recommend me, not contact me, no, not even ask me something.
I will grit my teeth on that move, just so that it happens and I end up in another place where they don’t know me. Where I won’t be convenient for everyone and everyone. I want to help, but I want my boundaries to be clearly understood. So that no calls after 9 and until, at least, 10.
Our cat can be pampered, but she knows the limit. She knows that when she has the strength and time – she can climb into bed in the morning and get her dose of attention and love. When she wants to play with a ball – we go and start playing tennis. To give her attention. But she clearly knows when we shouldn’t climb, shouldn’t be bothered, and in general it’s better not to touch. She’s a cat. She’s an animal. So why don’t people who are visually similar to us have the same understanding?..
Every evening, when my time comes, I have my own plan for it. That is, I plan what I will do for the next few hours. Sometimes it is posting photos on websites, sometimes repairing something. I have plans to film a video of repairing a camera and this will probably be the first video on the channel. The first video for an article. This is a laborious process, so I put it off until last. Today I restored the battery of a screwdriver. The process went well, although it was the first time. I also managed to shoot a micro-video with a tentacle for a post on the main blog and also took a few photos with it. But that’s not what this is about.
I planned these thoughts, and I’m trying to collect them. I found a person, and it almost ended with a breakdown in the spirit of “deleting Facebook” (well… you know. I have this happen to me. Or not? Oh…). But I didn’t. Because it’s pointless now. I think the best option is to develop these relationships. For many reasons “why”. It is appropriate to mention Placebo:
“Time will help you through
But it doesn’t have the time
To give you all the answers
To the never-ending why”
I can’t explain why you shouldn’t impose yourself on someone. Maybe that’s why it’s perceived as an imposition? I think so.
I don’t deserve new people with my current perception of other people. Because I think more than usual about what I can get “in the near future”. But the question should be asked differently – what can I give? And this is the main question that I can’t answer.
The other side of the question has always been that people need exactly the little that you can give – sincere interest, words of encouragement. When you are interested in what a person writes simply because you are really interested.
An eternal struggle with myself. I am learning to be a Creature. Not to make the mistakes that I would have made before, and to listen more to my inner voice.
Saint Creature