My border

I often ask myself – where is my border?

I communicate with people, I am inspired by their creativity. I bring my creativity into the world. But what about what I want to get from the person I communicate with?

It can be considered canonical that every person is narcissistic and first of all always thinks about their comfort. So, any connection we have with someone is because we want to take something from a person? Do we always get more than we give? Where is the same limit beyond which you see that you gave more than you received? I refer to the anime – to the rule of equal exchange. Is it possible that both parties from some interaction receive more than 50% at the same time?

If we are talking, for example, about music, and we have two performers who have a similar audience – wouldn’t a compatible fit be something that will simultaneously increase the audience of the first and the second? But this is all about famous stars, but what about us? Ordinary people?..

I don’t think I can give anything to anyone. Instead, I understand that I now view any contact as an opportunity or a desire to take something. And I hate myself for it. And I would like to break all ties that would give me at least some chance for help, so that I…try it myself? Fail? Be left with nothing?..again?..
The problem is not that some person will see a need in me. The problem is that when I am inspired and fall in love with the people around me, I feel ashamed that I can use them. And I ask myself – where is the limit? Where am I – the person who is really inspired by someone? Or where am I just looking for some benefit for myself?

In controversial issues, I prefer the point of view that is more related to Sa. By reducing the fate of the former self in myself, I thereby reduce excessive impulsiveness. Because in my previous form I am a box of matches. Which sometimes just waited for a convenient opportunity to light something. I guess I could give a lot to another person. But no one knows how difficult a person I am inside. And if it is so difficult for me to live with myself, then I don’t imagine how others manage it. As an example, at this stage, I was the previous one, I would break all ties. To commit self-mutilation. To tear out the parts of myself that remained outside the void again and again.
Strangely enough, but I think that my creativity and desire to visualize something with blood is nothing more than the inner world. Like a cancerous tumor of the nervous system, when you spit out all your insides, being left with nothing.

I don’t want to hear in my head this question that I am used to. “How long do you think it will last? Well…let’s make bets.” – because it is a time mechanism with a countdown.

I don’t make acquaintances to tie someone to me. These acquaintances are for the sake of hurting myself later. At some appropriate moment.

Knowing yourself does not exempt you from responsibility..

Do you know what the difference is between Sa and me? Sa wants a long and happy life and is looking for ways to achieve it. The more conventional part of me just wants to live out my time, without looking or thinking about the conditions, and simply erase myself from life when the time comes. There is also the question of why I am trying to change and move away from my conventional self?..

S0…maybe it’s true? Maybe..