I remembered.

I remembered what destroys everything. Everything destroys my attachment. I wait for an answer and don’t get it. I start digging myself and thinking about the reasons. And the further, the more it resembles a certain irritation on the skin, which begins to itch more if you scratch it, and you…of course, you scratch it harder and harder.

It all comes down to a phrase that has always been clear to me. Those who love you – will not hurt you.

I am a difficult person. With a very bad, destroyed psyche. I have frequent mood swings and I just don’t hang signs about it on every tree. And I have a hard time with people. I HAVE A VERY HARD TIME WITH PEOPLE who don’t understand my peculiarities. Because it causes me physical pain.

I am not a toy, and I can’t be – when I’m comfortable, and not be – when they just put me in a cell.

Well. My name starts with Saint. Why? For…

“..I grew up, I’m a big girl
Stopped giving time to people that make me hurt
Sometimes when I cry, it makes me better
My tears are wetter now that I accept ’em

I’m tryna shine a light on, light on, light on
Don’t hit the flight button, you’ll just get a fight on
Now put your fingers in the air screaming, “Fuck ’em, I don’t care”
Gotta do what you do to get by, yeah..”

Sometimes I want a person to just disappear. I got my share of pain – thank you. I deleted all mentions, comments, removed all likes, I never add to ignore, but I always hope that the person will just disappear. Yes, I want every time to be asked “why did this happen?”. Yes, I want every time for it to be perceived by both sides as a “normal breakdown”, and everything will continue. But how long will it all last? A day? A month? I ask myself – how do you see it? In what way do you see the continuation of relationships with a person? Because I perceive it as close to betrayal. And I don’t know the answer. But I know that every time you restore something – the next one will be even more painful. So I got used to enduring once and forgetting. Leaving a person in memories. There was one case when communication was restored and continues to this day – it’s Daria. But our level of interaction with her is so high that we were scared of the same things when we reconnected and were afraid of losing her. We haven’t talked to her for a month and a half now. But I take it calmly. It’s just that our relationship is at a level where it’s not scary. With other people…objectively – it would be useful for us to have a friend in Poland who could help with technical issues if we decided to go there to work. But this is not the price I’m willing to pay for some service.

I think they’ll ask me “why?” Because people who somehow found me on Instagram don’t just disappear. They’re always interested in the answer to this question. It won’t be right now. In a few days. When I start to slowly move away from the situation. It always happens like that. Because after a few days they remember you, and it becomes clear that you’re not there for some reason.

The only funny thing is that she said that it is not always she who leaves a person, but the person her. Sorry, in close communication, two days of silence are enough for me to understand that you are interesting to a person only when you are useful. When they need to spend the evening talking. At other times, you are out of the zone. Do I want to be out of the zone when my nervous system is currently operating in emergency mode due to a situation in life? I don’t think so…in this situation, I simply chose myself. Not my hopes and aspirations, but myself.

So…let’s wait a few days for my posts on the topic “how outraged I am that some person gave me a nervous breakdown again”, and then we will continue to function in normal mode.

It’s interesting that, probably, with all my actions I try to hurt the other person as much as they hurt me, but I always lose. Because for me, as an empath, disappointment is always a bigger loss than some deleted comments or unfriending.