Destruction

My moods at night are somewhat more destructive than during the day. In general, this reminds me of my relationship, when I understood that everything was over, and understood that it would happen either later or earlier. And always in such cases I chose the option “so… why not now?”.

I loved Daria as long as we had stable communication by letters. I knew that she would write an answer on a specific day or time. This gave an understanding of how the world works. Our world. Because with each person we have our own world. And, in a sense, I stopped loving when the schedule started to go wrong. All this refers me to the first long-term relationship, when I began to notice that “something was wrong”, and, as it turned out later, it was. Are people who had one love for their whole lives happier? I guess…

If everyone knew what things I get hurt by (or self-harm) – it would immediately become clearer to them why I’m not the best option for friendship. Because there are so many things in the world that will cause discomfort. If I start to continue this thought, I will come to the conclusion that I don’t want any discomfort, and… well, you get the idea.

For example, our communication with Aaron – I know that he may not answer right away, because he’s busy. He knows that I will answer when I have the mood and time for it. And it’s comfortable. This is the person to whom I have returned the most times in my life, without losing contact. Is it easier for me to be friends with men? Oh. These must be very specific men.

There are many things that I can say now and then regret. Therefore, I won’t say them, because I always know them for myself. And most of all, I would like Sa to shut up that other part of me. Because only she can. In a sense, Sa is the chains I tied myself with to teach myself to live a controlled life. That’s why I’m still here and haven’t done anything stupid.

Some people use asphyxiation in sex to get a more intense orgasm. I wonder if “marinating” yourself in pain and discomfort will give you more creative inspiration? I think I’ll have time to check it out…