Thoughts

Mess

Saint Creature July 19, 2025 No Comments

There’s a mess in your head and in your life that you just can’t seem to get rid of. You try, but you feel like you’re constantly running out of time. For everything. To put something up for sale, to tidy up your table or yard. You want to be creative, but you don’t have time. You want to do something, but you don’t have enough time for everything. It’s as if someone is constantly stealing it from you… and summer passes, and the questions still aren’t closed with the feeling that you’ve piled up more plans than you could take out. Or just every time there’s something new and more important…

I sometimes turn on the save mode – when I think “nothing. Rest. It will get better later”, but that “later” still never comes.

If I had a psychologist, he wouldn’t like my thoughts. It’s symbolic when someone on Reddit, seeing your post with a photo, filed a complaint, and you received a message with “help lines.” But it’s not that bad. Yes, there are thoughts. Stupid thoughts. But this is not an option, at least now. When everything is not as scary as it could be. We just almost always don’t have money. Enough for basic needs, but no more. And again, there is a constant feeling that you have to do something to make them appear, although it depends little on you. It’s also not an option to go to work for $ 125 a month, because they won’t save you. They will probably make the psychological component worse, but it would be harder to get out of it. I’m fighting with myself, and only I know how difficult it can be sometimes. And the question is not whether I should take some medication or something else. This is the part that you have to control yourself. And sometimes it seems to me that I am such a puzzle, a couple of pieces of which were eaten by some cat, and, accordingly, it is impossible to assemble it. But I have crossed that Rubicon, when I could easily have rolled into the abyss. However, I myself, sometimes, am this abyss, which, as if sucking into the void everything that I do and what inspires me, and cannot somehow be filled, or something…

I’m increasingly thinking that the third tattoo would be the phrase “I do not deny the pain, I am her disciple.”

I always give a head start

Saint Creature July 10, 2025 No Comments

Sometimes I think that (maybe) by playing with AI or trying to somehow “catch the wave” – ​​I could achieve greater results. Not so much in creativity, but in earnings, perhaps. But I do not start moving in this direction. Sometimes I resemble an old photographer who still uses film and develops his works himself, although I am far from that. Moreover – I happily use filters and manual processing of photos, and not even in RAW (my photo editor does not support Panasonic S5), but in classic Jpeg. Would I like some kind of recognition? Probably. But not in a broad sense, but in a narrower circle – so that there are people who are interested in what I sometimes do.

I probably want creativity to remain creativity and in it I can freely reflect myself and my inner world. And I will earn a living by other methods.

Success Line

Saint Creature July 6, 2025 No Comments

I exhibit quite a lot of work, but not much of it resonates with anyone. But that’s not a reason to stop creating something. I don’t measure the relevance of my work by the number of likes. Of course, it’s good when you find like-minded people and they like your work. But I consider “success” when platforms accept your work for sale.

Now I often create something that is not just nature photography in its purest form. I compose more often. I use myself as part of my work. You might find it funny, but now platforms offer more licensing for photos of me than of all sorts of flowers or bugs that I shoot. It’s funny, strange, but I appreciate it.

I often think that I spend too little time on my work for it to bear fruit. I will try to develop this direction

The patient was becoming somewhat sad…

Saint Creature July 2, 2025 No Comments

I can be considered excessive or harsh in terms of perception of other people, but I have certain protective barriers. They do not allow me to become a victim of other people. So here I perceive my interlocutor somewhat biased, with the understanding that he may not be entirely honest with me.

Today we watched the movie “Side Effects” (2013) with Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Channing Tatum. It was about a patient who faked her illness and did a very bad thing. Not that I draw parallels, but there is something to it.

I think it is difficult for her to maintain a conversation with me, but I do not really understand why this communication should continue from her side? Because it does not oblige to anything. So what is the point?..to prove something to someone?..

We can paint someone’s sky and be a good friend, but friendship takes two…