Thoughts

Personal Thoughts

Mother told me

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My mother told me a funny thing today. In my opinion, funny. Like “when you work and no one will say that you don’t work and you won’t “prick anyone’s eyes” with this”. But I thought that this is the least anyone would reproach me for. Let’s make a list:
– I am a person who increasingly indicates a “neutral” gender;
– I like furry art, and I have a collection of strange sex toys;
– I take strange photos, including of myself, and I hide it less and less;
– I consider the idea of ​​a relationship between three people of any sex and gender to be normal, if people find in each other what they lack;
– I will probably be the only man in the city where I live now who has not just one, but both ears pierced.

I think that this list already indicates things that should be more questions than whether I work or not. And how exactly. However, I see that if you show the world what it can get from you – it increasingly closes its eyes to your peculiarities, because you are perceived comprehensively. That is, with all your pluses and minuses. I fight for my right to exist where I am, with what I can. That is probably why I am interested in everything at once. I want to be able to do and know everything.

In life, always do two, but take one. That is, you take two steps for the benefit of someone and one for the benefit of yourself. In this way, you will have to be perceived as you are. Simply because two steps forward are better seen than one step back.

If an eccentric person does something, and others do nothing – then he will be eccentric in himself, because he does something when others do not.

People Personal Thoughts

Toxic relationships

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We finished watching the series The Outlaws, and it led me to a certain reflection related to people.

The series showed a toxic relationship between a girl who was smart, but had a “hobby” of stealing something, and a guy who was less fortunate in life and wanted a quiet life instead of survival. And so their acquaintance led to the fact that she became a kind of “adrenaline junkie” who constantly wanted thrills, and the guy, on the contrary, tried to avoid problems with the law and in general. The story of the relationship ended with her leaving him, getting off the train before it was sent, and he left “for a new life”. Six months later they met – she, with a bunch of problems and he, in the life he aspired to. And then, suddenly, she remembers that she is “extremely in love with him”, but he has the sense not to continue the relationship with her, but to build a new one with a person who suits him better. What thoughts did all this make me think?

With a certain periodicity, you scroll through your head the thought of why you don’t continue communicating with people you once liked? Inspired you, caused some feelings? That is, there is some kind of seed living in you that believes (or simply perceives from memories) that your life would be better if you resumed communication “with someone from…”. But something stops you from doing this. And I think it is understanding. First of all, understanding the fact that your paths diverged (mostly) not even because of you. So there is nothing to turn back, because each person simply went their own way at a certain time. But…

Having your “ears” you hear that these “bells are not one-sided.” And this is where we are caught up in this same story from the series, when you tell the hero “well…well I hope you won’t do this stupid thing?..because I’ll stop respecting you”, only the hero is you.

I know that things that were in the past should stay there. But the healthy half understands this. I think that every person consists of another part besides it – the emotional part, multiplied by the memory part. That is, your subconscious says “but memories and emotions can’t deceive you” – and they really do. They don’t deceive, because there, at 15-17-20 years old, you experienced feelings that were for the first time in your life. Apparently, this is what draws you to them. As for reality – during this time you managed to get burned many times after that, and you can’t throw the opposite experience out of your memory either. This is what stops you.

In one song they sang “we will never be younger than today”. I think this applies to people too – because we will never be the same as we once were. So the emotions will be different every time. And I think the emotions that we can get from new people can be even brighter than those that can happen when communicating with someone old.

It remains to somehow convey all this to your brain.

Thoughts

The best way

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It always seemed like there was a better option. In your profession, probably. That you “could be someone,” but there was always something missing for that. As one woman said the other day, “it’s good to plan everything for tomorrow, because tomorrow will always be tomorrow. And when today comes, you don’t want to do anything anymore.” But no, to each his own. Always and everywhere. You won’t settle for anything less, but you’re unlikely to jump over your head either, because you are you. With all your pluses and minuses. And you know what? That’s the whole thrill.

Sometimes it seems that life is a matrix after all, in which you have a certain level, below and above which you will not be, like any other person. There is simply a path that you have to follow. When you work at a store at the checkout – at the end of your work shift, everything has to be closed to zero. And so it is with life.

Moreover, I think that with people, somewhere, everything works the same way. Our relationships with other people, for example. At a certain stage we need to “change cars” and we change them, some relationships end – family or friendship, it doesn’t matter. And everything goes on. We try to perceive it as an experience, after which each subsequent experience will be different, but what if the experience is also a fiction? And it doesn’t teach us anything, no matter how much we think about it.

Thoughts

The engine is running rough

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It’s hard to pull yourself together when you realize how shaky your financial situation is. Perhaps that’s why I can’t pull myself together right now and do what I have to do – blog and post photos (even old ones). But we have to live somehow?..

There are no things or people that would inspire me right now, and this is a certain problem. As well as the unwillingness to look for them, because there is an understanding that I simply don’t feel like doing it. But I see how I am losing my social capital because I don’t pay attention to blogs and the same Deviant, for example. People forget about you and you gradually become a ghost. Do you remember those who disappeared from your subscription feed? I think not.

I wanted to start that engine and make it work, but without me it won’t work. And I don’t have the internal time for another project. Isn’t that right? I only have time for money, because it also needs to be earned somehow.

It would be great to plan something 4-5 years ahead, but now you can’t even imagine how and where you’ll be in a year, or if you will be at all.

Plans Thoughts

I asked myself today..

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What exactly do I want? What is my goal?..

Yes, for objective reasons and because of the financial crisis that is currently sweeping the world (in Ukraine it is because of the war, in Europe because of refugees from Ukraine who are there because of the war, in America it is because of… well, you know). In addition to this crisis, there is also what is called “artificial intelligence”, when many people are fired, and others have to work much more than usual just to stay in their place and not be fired. So… what’s the plan, boy? There is no point in you moving anywhere precisely because of all these reasons. But what do you want, somewhere inside?

Of course, I would like some stability and an understanding of what kind of world you will wake up in tomorrow. And so far I don’t objectively see any possibilities to live in such a world. Yes, probably the only option here is to “pack your bags and go to New Zealand, which is far away, where English is needed and where you are not needed as “some kind of specialist”. Otherwise, you are still not insured. So?…

I think that I really, at least for now, have no options to even think about them. I just have to hold on and somehow try to survive this period. Therefore, I look at all the options that are offered and try not to lose the little that I still have. Because the crisis is stronger than it might seem. And it is only starting to drag on. I see this in the ability to buy something from people. This is a clear sign that everything is “very bad”.

I want to develop an English-language blog (this is the main one), create creativity, and… live. If I want to do this, then it is better to do it all in the place where I am now. It is time to change something and in general there will be more, well, no, no. I am tired of being upset because I can’t be what I can’t be.

Thoughts

I’m alive, I just got a fly in my eye…

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I’m working on a local project, so I don’t have time for anything else. I looked – I haven’t been here for 5 days. It’s crazy how quickly time flies. However… what I’m doing is a small-large social project that should unite the entire city (and its events) with a population of about 12,000 people. This is a kind of pilot project of the idea of ​​what can be achieved if you try to unite different segments of the population. Will it be successful? Time will tell. But for now, I’m investing a lot in it.

In a sense, this is my promising job. The funny thing is that it’s a full-time job (with a schedule) for $150 a month. On the other hand… times are turbulent and no one knows what will happen with trade in the future. So this would be at least some kind of base for actual earnings. Maybe it makes sense, there are all sorts of possible additional payments and something more interesting in terms of money is already looming there.

Have I found my place? And no. But the other day I put on my earring (for which I pierced my ear), wrote Sa Crea on a fabric ribbon and attached it to the earring. That evening I was myself. That evening I spoke in front of people for the first time.

But I see my main and more important blog here. Where I am with you. I share, like, thoughts. I share them with my loved ones. I love you all. See you soon. I went to add posts to the main blog about a couple of anime 🙂

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