And you said baby don’t bother, you know it’s..
Saint Creature ..It’s all in your head
But tell me have you heard a single word that I’ve said?.. Read More
Personal
Letters for Silence
Today I caught myself thinking that I don’t want to be in silence. To write for silence, to create for silence. I want to be seen, to be heard. So that what I do has a response. And I don’t expect it to be a response at the level of the previous blog. At least in the first years of its existence. But, at the same time, I already see that there are people who like my posts on social networks, although I started my new path only a month and a half ago. I see that there are visits to the blog. I see that there are creative people who are on the same wavelength with me. And I see inspiration in this. I have a desire to create something and share it. To develop it all. To go through trials and experiments.
I think that this engine in itself will become both a reason for a deeper study of the language and an increase in the desire to integrate into some other system. To be part of another world. And let someone say that “everything new should be started before 25-30 (years)”, but I believe that only now you see and feel what you want, and in which direction to move further.
I am sincerely inspired by the idea that some people achieved success only after 40 years, because I also see and feel that only now can I choose the direction in which to live the next part of our lives. I believe that 2025 will be a breakthrough. And I will do everything to catch up with what was lost in the past two years. The past three years.
I know it will hurt, but I promise you that you..
..Will always remember this feeling?
In the spring, I was riding my bike to the military registration and enlistment office, and I listened to this song. In general, I liked riding in the mornings and listening to Yonaka. Especially a few songs. One of them “By The Time You’re Reading This”. There are interesting words there:
“Take off your mask andShow me your heart, IWanna rip it to piecesI know it will hurt, butI promise you that youWill always remember this feeling”
And you know what? Usually, when something bad happens to us in life, we try to forget the music or things that remind us of it. About events, about time. Music, in general, is associated with a lot of things in our heads, and that’s why I’m afraid when I have a composition that I like, it becomes associated with something bad. But something interesting happened here. After several such “trips”, I was sent to military training, and then to the war. Due to health problems, I was there for a short time, I had a chance to get to the other world (and not because of the war), but all this time I was protected by one idea: one day I would go to that Yonaka concert, and feel freedom. I would feel what I had longed for all this time. This music, despite the background that was around, saved me. And I am very grateful to it. You have no idea how many times it sounded in my head:
“Now put your fingers in the air screaming, “Fuck ’em, I don’t care”
Gotta do what you do to get by, yeah”
I think that after this you will no longer be surprised why this blog is called that. Because it characterizes death and resurrection. It is about transformation – both internal and external. And the main question for me is still the same…
“If you take a dip with me
I will fill your fantasies
But will you still love me tomorrow
When I’m a creature?”
Separate fears
Today I encountered an interesting phenomenon, when in a dream you do not understand that you are dreaming, you perceive it as reality, and you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation that causes you conflicting feelings. It was about some institution (again, hello psychiatry), where I was. Subconsciously I felt that it would again be about fitness for military service or something like that. And I did not care what conclusion they would make, I just wanted to leave the place where they were keeping me, but they did not give me clarity when this would happen. Because by the sensations I had been there for a week or so, again, remembering the “laws” of psychiatry, I internally understood that they should keep me for at least three weeks, and that they would hardly let me go earlier.
In general, what is the treatment of military personnel in a hospital? Especially when you are in a place where, theoretically, a person can be demobilized from military service? This is an institution that you don’t like to be in, that has its own laws, and that, at the same time, doesn’t give you clarity or awareness of what will happen to you next and where you will be. So…it’s a kind of torture, just without obvious physical impact. More about the psychological one.
Two things cause discomfort in me – one is living in that reality when you dream such horrors, and you understand perfectly well why you dream them. The other is the fear of what problems you may encounter if you try to escape from these fears of yours. That is, we are also talking about fear, but not of what is, but of what could be. Therefore…at a certain time I will have to choose between what is scarier – the reality that is, or the one that could be.
Little strange
The first of the two sites I decided to “bring to mind” And, although, logically, it should have been the main blog. Read More