Me

Суцільна утопія, знаю…

Але не можу не думати про це
Маленькі люди просто виживають
«Великі» будують на кістках
Навіщо це? (Навіщо це?)…(c)Redengy

I allowed myself the text and the title in Ukrainian, because it is impossible to translate it meaningfully. Therefore, I decided not to translate it. In general, the main thing in this excerpt is the very question “Why is this?..” – and I thought about it. Why do middle-aged married women seek communication with…other men? I can explain it easily – it has always been easier for me to communicate with women, a very rare man will “put up with” me. Or I him. When and how. It is harder with women. I will not measure it in percentages now, but I know that a certain percentage is connected with the desire to see that her “feminine power” is still working. That she can be interesting. I walk on a sharp edge with all these considerations. But I can’t do without them.

I think that middle-aged women see an opportunity to try something else, and from my feelings they are ready to give up everything for the sake of something else. But on one condition – guarantees. A guarantee that life will not become worse than it was. Although this is a very cynical point of view and I don’t like it. I just feel that something is wrong. That is, the goals and desires of the average middle-aged woman are a mystery to me. I already have several examples of such people, and each time I can’t understand what exactly they need. I remember our communication with Serafima, and that, simply endless feeling of a “spare airfield”. I felt it so much and got so tired of it that I decided to just end the communication. And in these cases I simply can’t understand the goals.

We all know that we are given limited access to information, or rather, exactly as much as we should receive. But why so much of it? Is this an experiment on the topic of reactions to various stimuli? Is it just a mystery in oneself? Or so that, in case of something, you can simply disappear from life without leaving a trace?

Objectively, every person, starting communication, has some goals. We never know them. Goals come at different levels. The minimum goal is pleasant feelings from conversations, new acquaintances. Whatever you call it, it still leads to something like falling in love and novelty. In relationships, we try to find those feelings that we do not already encounter in these relationships. The plus and minus here is one – it is all temporary. So a permanent partner plus “falling in love from time to time” is a completely normal course of events. A person’s goals become clear at the moment when we see how much we are allowed to close people. We need to be introduced somehow. How can a woman introduce her husband to another adult man with whom she communicates? Either as an interlocutor (friend), or a lover. There is no third, neutral option. So when she introduces him to her husband, it is a certain openness, when you have a specific role in their relationship. From the opposite – if she does not introduce him, he may not even guess about this communication in general. And in this case, a person’s goals can be anything. Mostly, it all depends on the man “on the other end of the wire”.

So the starting point of the relationship is how official you are made. Although these are all just my thoughts and only…

Don’t humiliate yourself

You again felt like you missed a chance. But..was there any chance? I continue to reflect on the person’s behaviour, and I understand that it is useless to blame yourself for everything that happened. That is, the person disappeared for no reason. Appeared 3-4 days later in the form of a comment in a completely different place. And you get the feeling that the person is just so comfortable. Not to be interested in others, but to appear when and where it is convenient. When it is convenient for them.

There are many things in which I would like to be wrong. So that I can be a little fool who makes mistakes again. But if not, then I will be a big fool if I decide that the problem is me and start humiliating myself.

I wrote a letter apologizing for the situation and wished the best, just to close this issue for myself. I deleted the message for myself, so as not to go back there, not to look at the profile, not to be interested. Because I told her that I trust the person immediately and completely. Because I fall in love with every interlocutor who answers me more often than others, or rather simply answers. And it’s not about building a future and marriage, but about the fact that you want to maintain communication with a certain periodicity, to which you get used.

I am guilty of actively supporting this communication and believing in it. I was ashamed of the very thought that I could somehow use a person so that he could help with the organisation in a new place if we decided to go there to work.

Sometimes communication for me resembles poison, which I poison myself with every time, forgetting about the consequences. And now I am again raking these consequences and getting from them…

Taboo

I asked myself – when did nudity cease to be taboo for me, and why exactly did this happen? Where did that shyness, which has always been a significant part of me, go?

Apparently, things just appeared that scare me more than nudity. In a sense, the world around me became more naked than I am in my photos. But, probably, that’s not the point.

It’s hard to say what came first – the chicken or me, who started some kind of frank blog. And I remember that the first attempts were probably 6-7 years ago. Maybe even earlier. A long time ago, back in Odessa, we sold sex toys. Even then, the idea of opening a full-fledged store came to me. I had the desire and inspiration to write about all this. Moreover, even during my freelancing days (that’s, for a moment, when I was 21 years old) I think I already had to write some texts for a sex shop. Maybe memories just pop up in my memories of how we started selling such goods. Why am I here? In a broad sense, my openness to something like this was a long time ago. But the fact that nudity is the norm came to me with the beginning of the war, when my photos became more candid.

Open windows in European countries show that people have nothing to hide. The exposed skin in the pictures probably says the same thing..

Rose

Well. Tattoos aren’t on my budget this year (I guess), so let’s limit ourselves to small sacrifices – I got a new earring. Two, to be exact, but I only needed one. It’s a rose, and that’s no coincidence.

I’ve been thinking for a long time about the design of the tattoo I’d like to get. Something like the inscription “Sa”, where the S will be in the form of a rose with thorns. But that design will have to be developed for a long time before I agree with it. Meanwhile, when I started creating accounts, the rose with thorns became the avatar. It’s funny that I can’t stand the work of artificial intelligence, but it’s like the avatar was made by it. So…

My thoughts on the topic of “how will I look with this” began to last for whole… 5-10 minutes. Because the thought “I will look the way I want!” comes to mind. And in this vein, you perceive yourself as anyone. If someone doesn’t like me – so what. I would be happy if he didn’t come to me for help and I could spend more time on my loved ones, myself, and our lives.