Life

Perfect Parts

We lose our “perfect parts” throughout our lives. For normal people, it’s probably nothing, but when you’re a perfectionist, it’s like cutting off pieces from a whole person.

Once, as a child, at least as I remember it, I was thrown into a car. More precisely, a car with a cut-off roof. I’m not sure if it was the first injury in my life, but that’s how I got my scar on my left leg and my first four stitches on my body.

Another incident was related to the fact that, while at my grandmother’s, I climbed onto a pipe to call my mother. The reason? Strange and stupid. Ugh… I needed to wipe my ass. So don’t ask about age. My foot slipped off a pipe that was lying on the ground, and…so I got a wound in the scrotum, running into a rebar sticking out of the ground. Everything was sewn up and “put back in place”, but I ended up with another scar in a rather strange place.

The third incident also happened in my childhood. When I was going down a roller coaster. My older brother was having fun from below, who was sitting at its base. When I went down, I was scared that I would drive into him, and my finger got electrocuted between the metal pipe of the swing and the canvas, which was also made of metal. No, my finger wasn’t cut off then. But since then, another scar has been appearing on my little finger.

About 15 years ago, my nose was broken during the New Year holidays. Some bully, because we were relaxing in our informal party. They attacked us and…since then, my nose is the way it is.

Interestingly, throughout my youth I was more careful than before. So I didn’t get any special injuries (except for mental ones, of course). When I was 17, I had a varicocele cut out. About three stitches. But that doesn’t count.

It’s funny, but most of the injuries I got in the city where I live now. Once I almost put my eye out when I put a board on a stone, put a cherry tree on one side, and stepped on the other side with my foot. It’s funny now, but it wasn’t very good then. But it hit me right in the eye. It hurt. A lot. Sometimes it seemed to me that because of this, one of my eyes sees everything in more yellow tones, but over time I learned from the Internet that this is typical for many people.

In the same city, when I was 10-12, I probably filled a plastic bottle with gas from a lighter and… set it on fire. As a result, I had a burn on my finger, but it was relatively minor because it can’t be seen now.

There is a small scar on my left hand – and I remember exactly that it is from a watermelon. More precisely, from a knife that slipped off. Just like there is a scar on my other hand from the same place, which was obtained with an old knife that was used to cut nettles for chickens. I don’t remember exactly how I got that scar.

I have a scar on my eyebrow from hitting a door. It’s from my military days, when I hit my forehead against a wooden door in the dark.

One of the stupidest scars, or rather not scars, but an almost severed part of myself, I got when I was repairing a bicycle. I spun the wheel, tried to stop the disc brake with my hand, and my thumb got caught between the brake and the disc. The tip of my finger was almost cut off. But, thanks to Pavel, we got to the hospital, they treated the wound there and everything went well. I can’t quite feel this tip, but the finger looks like a normal one. It was he who became the reason for this post.


During life, we lose our “perfect parts”. We become destroyed. Not like others or as nature created us. I feel sad that certain parts of me will no longer be the way they should be. But I can’t do anything about it, so should I be sad about it? I’m still looking for an answer to the question of what cuts off parts from us more – iron, or negative experiences received from certain people? I lean more towards the second.

I have a lot of imperfect parts with which I have learned to live. I have come to terms with what they are. I once thought that if I lost even a part of myself – it would be better to die than to remain disabled. But if you think like that – you should have jumped off that bridge at 17, because that’s when I got my first serious disability.

There are many people in the world who are more beautiful than you or me. More perfect than us. But what of it? In a broader sense? It doesn’t make them more important than us. More beautiful (in a broader sense) than us. Better or anything else. Everyone just has their own path, just like everyone was born under certain conditions, in a certain place, and in a certain family. It’s not scary that you may not be rich, or have some flaws – the main thing is not to make these flaws the meaning of your life. Not to focus on them and not to attach more importance to them. My camera is worn out, but it still takes great pictures. I’m worn out too, and sometimes I do great things. It doesn’t depend on my physical condition.

Hell

When we arrived at our unit, we were greeted by the sign above the entrance “Welcome to Hell.”

Sometimes it seems to me that my life is going to hell, although I hear a machine-gun fire outside the window, an explosion from a shot down target or an incoming flight, and I understand that life cannot go where it already is. So… is it so scary to die with debts? I think not. It’s unpleasant, but not fatal. I try to solve all the issues at the same time. The bank reports “strange things with my account,” and sometimes I’m left wondering – which will come first, a house arrest or card blocking? Oh…

As for someone who wanted to finish the year without debts and loans – I took on (too) big a burden, which I have to somehow bear. I need to somehow survive these two months, not burn out in all this (I mean in employment), take it all out and emerge victorious. And I believe that it will be easier for me from spring, because there will be a full-time job, I will be able to fully establish myself and… I still have to reach it. In every sense.

I made a big bet. I actually bet everything on the idea that I would be a chimney sweep. They asked me, “Sa, what are you sure about?” and I answered – on what I do physically. Because that’s the only thing that’s real. Only what you do with your hands, they can’t take away from you. Because you do it yourself. With these same hands. And I believed in this idea so much that we had Zhuzhik. In fact, for the last savings. Another scrap of savings went to a lithium battery for him, which hasn’t arrived yet. It’s funny, but it can cost almost half of its cost.

We will have almost no work in the winter, so you shouldn’t expect me to take anything out in the winter. Yes, a couple of jobs may happen. But this is not something that will save my financial situation. Something that will save it a little – I do it anyway. As much as I can afford it.

I need a person, but right now they are not in my environment. I say to myself “oh… there is this one” – but I catch myself thinking that this or that one will not give me right now what I need from him or her. Those who are there need my attention themselves, not the other way around. And I want some kind of support, or a physical presence. I would like to find a “ghost person” – someone to share music with. Someone with whom we could run into something via Steam, three or four of us. A living person, not that’s all. But I don’t have the resources right now to think about it right away. I’m even afraid to write to a local group about whether there are even such “dinosaurs” like us who play something cooperative at 30+ years old. Although… I finally took a risk. Let’s see…

And i become a…

I appear less and less “in public” (I’m talking about “And”), and I guess I should tell you a little bit.

I’ve always been used to thinking about how it looks from the outside. And in my head now “Hey, dude! You still haven’t moved on after that conversation? Are you depressed or what?” – but no.

It just so happened that I started cleaning chimneys. Along the way, a month ago I decided to part ways with my “partner” and make it a family business. So… we needed transportation. We had about $1,300 saved up, and… we took out a three-wheeled electric scooter worth about $2,200 in instalments for three months. I thought “hey! We’ll earn a little, use a little from what was saved, and everything will be fine!” – but the rains started and…oh. On the good news – in a month this transport allowed us to earn about a hundred dollars. This is a good result, because there was no work due to the weather. However…let’s get back to the stories.

At the same time as we got the transport, it became clear that the power outage due to enemy attacks would not allow us to do our work in the form in which we do it. So we had to buy a generator (this is another $ 350 in expenses). I thought about the fact that it would be nice for the future (and while I can find a buyer for the new lead batteries from my transport) to replace the acid batteries with lithium ones. And…oh. Well, you understand that I ordered another $ 800 worth of batteries. There were $ 200, another $ 600 was taken from the savings.

I sold my camera (which broke down, the other camera is still with me), and invested this money in our transport, which was bought for work. This allowed us to close almost a month of the loan, and in a month we have to pay the final $ 700 in instalments, most of which are due.

Along the way, I find goods at local markets, win them at auctions and sell them at regular prices. This has become a small profit during the times when it is raining outside and I cannot clean chimneys. Tomorrow I will go to get cells for the battery that I am collecting for my neighbours. This will also provide some income. In addition, I need to help my brother and collect a backup battery for his house. So… as you can see, I have enough things to do. And problems. Or rather, not problems, but issues that need to be closed.

When buying Zhuzhyk, I told myself that the next few months would be difficult. I understood that I would need to earn more and devote myself to work.

It also turned out that we need a generator a little more powerful, so…paying in instalments for the one we have now, we ordered another one – more laborious and expensive. It should be shipped tomorrow and then we can sell the one we got recently.

Usually I don’t like to have several things hanging over my head at the same time. But now it has become my rhythm of life. I don’t notice how the days fly by, and I hope that winter will fly by just as quickly. Because in the spring I will be able to work fully.
From all this, I think it becomes clear why I don’t make blog posts and, even more so, I don’t do creative work. I just physically don’t have enough time for this right now. Because now I have to continue putting up things for sale that I received a few days ago. It’s all hard and exhausting, but I like it. I like having goals, seeing the future. This is something that I haven’t had enough of for so long. This fatigue in my eyes – I love it. Because it says that I know how I will live tomorrow day.

Delivery

I always thought that tricycles were cooler than cars. Yesterday’s delivery of things – a table, a watch and two metal chairs.

Everything arrived undamaged))

It’s always interesting to watch people’s reactions when something like this is on the road. I mean, people are used to seeing some kind of crap being transported in a car. But when something this big (a rack about 2.2 meters high), it’s unusual for everyone that it can actually be brought by bicycle. I really like this trailer. There was even a post about it in the old blog. I guess I’ll have to update it. I wish I had more time for posts…

Life in real time

I caught myself thinking that life is happening in real time now. Without specific plans and intentions. We are trying to find additional sources of income here and now. At the same time, we are planning a trip to the Czech Republic, which is unknown how and where it will end. With the understanding that if we go there, we have to stay, at least until we return the money invested in the trip.

The uncertainty of what will happen tomorrow, not to mention what will happen in a week, prompts us to think through every step. Look at the situation soberly, without any glasses. Choosing a path for yourself, you always try to choose the best. And it’s good to understand that your mother has no questions about why you are going, but still, go if there is a good moment. Because she understands that in the current reality any option is good, provided that what will happen will not be worse than now. This is valuable.

Sometimes I feel like I’m responsible for what happened yesterday, what’s happening today, and what’s going to happen tomorrow. That is, I’m doing three things at the same time in three time periods. Which makes me very tired, and I don’t have time for anything. I want to make a video and write a post, and do household chores, but I’m not enough for everything at once. Just physically.

Somewhere inside there is a feeling of change. That something will change soon. Seriously. Her attitude towards gays and in general made me laugh. It’s nice when a person is on the same wavelength with you. In general, understanding that you can interact with a person who has a similar worldview inspires and makes the path easier. Sometimes it seems that it would be much easier for me to understand how to act and what to do on the spot than trying to solve something from here. That on the spot I will find myself and prove myself. It often seems that people simply don’t let themselves be shown so that they can see how useful you will be to them. Because my essence is such that I always and everywhere try to be useful. And in general, only in this way can you achieve something. Only when people understand that they cannot do without you.

I do not make plans about where and when I will be, and whether I will live here or somewhere else. Recently, a poem by a famous Ukrainian poet has been mentioned more and more often. It is very much reflected inside somewhere. In the original language and translation…

“Мені однаково, чи буду
Я жить в Україні, чи ні.
Чи хто згадає, чи забуде
Мене в снігу на чужині —
Однаковісінько мені.

В неволі виріс між чужими,
І, неоплаканий своїми,
В неволі, плачучи, умру,
І все з собою заберу —
Малого сліду не покину
На нашій славній Україні,
На нашій — не своїй землі.
I не пом’яне батько з сином,
Не скаже синові: — Молись.
Молися, сину: за Вкраїну
Його замучили колись. —

Мені однаково, чи буде
Той син молитися, чи ні…
Та не однаково мені,
Як Україну злії люди
Присплять, лукаві, і в огні
Її, окраденую, збудять…
Ох, не однаково мені.”(с)Т.Г. Шевченко

“I don’t care whether
I live in Ukraine or not.
Whether anyone remembers or forgets
Me in the snow in a foreign land —
It’s all the same to me.

In captivity I grew up among strangers,
And, unlamented by my own,
In captivity, crying, I will die,
And I will take everything with me —
I will not leave a small trace
On our glorious Ukraine,
On our – not our own land.
And the father will not remember with his son,
He will not say to his son: — Pray.
Pray, son: for Ukraine
He was tortured once. —

I don’t care whether
That son will pray or not…
But only one thing is matters to me.
How evil people are destroying Ukraine.
She will be robbed and forgotten.
This one thing is matters to me.” (c) T.H. Shevchenko

 

 

Let’s go to the pArty

For the past week, if not more, I’ve been trying to find an answer for myself, what is “middle gender”? That is, you have to stand out somehow, do something? And the answer was found today. I was going to take new pictures. Yesterday I shaved my whole body. But I didn’t touch my beard. It’s even funny when the only hairy part of you is a beard))

So. Before taking pictures, I shaved completely. Because I…well, I just don’t like to shoot in a fragile image with a beard. Even if this beard is under a mask. To play my role, I have to fully correspond to it. If you want to shoot a fragile person – be it. Fragility is not stockings or shoes – it’s in you. In the desire to look your best. If you want to be a girl today – be it. To the maximum. Otherwise, what’s the point of all this?..

Today’s picture:

And the first comment on Reddit:

And I also uploaded a few photos in this mask to 500px (this is one of them, by the way). And you know what? They immediately recommended putting them up for sale. Let’s resolve the issue of “permission of the person depicted in the photo”, and…my works will be sold. Not because I threw them up for sale somewhere, but because the site suggested putting them up for sale 🙂
I consider this a success)

 

Strange feeling of freedom 2.0

It’s somehow surprisingly easy. I’m used to my openness being a “bell” to the fact that “you can always get dumped,” and now I’m somehow too open. Do I feel something inside?

I have already set a certain “work deadline”, and this is perhaps another such bell to my ears that I should either start some kind of business by winter, or… let’s go back to the plans to “dump it into the sunset”? Now I have a clear understanding that if something doesn’t work out here, there is always a factory somewhere in the Czech Republic waiting for us. Today’s example of work showed that it doesn’t matter where you have to work hard – at the factory for 1.5k euros, or here for 127 euros. So, maybe it’s not so scary after all?..

I notice that I’m waiting for some sign to “break through.” To change something radically. And it would probably be nice to live with the thought that you’re “settled in place,” but it’s brighter to think that everything is still ahead.

I wouldn’t want to live to see the day when they tell me “it’s either this or that – you have no choice.” Because I want it to be.

I can already see that I don’t have enough strength to believe in myself and do something that would bring a normal income. Something stable and understandable. Because it was wrong to think that I would leave with what I have now. I won’t leave. I have never seen eel for sale in my life, and here it is available for 32 euro per kg. But at the same time, people are not ready to pay normal money for the work done. Wonder? Ugh…

I guess I want to invest in creativity. Find people “on the wave.” Who will say “Dude! You’re cool! Come to us, we’ll help you get settled! We need you here!” – and everything will turn around…
So… let’s put the wind in our sails…

A little busy

I’m always ashamed when I come back home (here, in the And) and see that I haven’t written or shared my thoughts in a long time. I’ve been rehabilitating my back, got a job, tomorrow is the end of the first week. Oh. It’s been a long time since I worked somewhere with a schedule, but everything is going easier and better than it seemed. They give me the necessary level of freedom, I give my opportunities. Somehow everything happens. Right now it’s cold here, the temperature outside is close to zero, in places it’s snowing and lying, there’s no heating at work, so we’re working in survival mode until it gets warmer. There I’ll be able to close work issues and hope that then there will be time for my thoughts on the blog and that these thoughts will be in my head, because for now it’s empty.

The week was hard and almost every day at the end of the working day I went somewhere else, returning home closer to 8-9 pm. It’s harder than the work itself. But I’m coping.

I would like to do more, but I don’t have time for that right now. It’s funny, but I was (sort of) blocked on Tumblr, so…fuck it. I don’t really need it. There was no promotion there.

Now I have to check everything by money, because there are certain expenses and there is no way to earn steadily right now. Moreover, one work account was blocked, so there were even bigger problems with money. In general, I just try not to pay attention to everything and live until the moment when everything will be easier because either something will fall apart, or additional sources of income will be found. I’m going to look for goods and sleep, because right now this is more important than anything else. I hope to write a couple of posts on the main blog soon. I love you all. See you soon 🙂