If we’re not talking about creativity, but about a separate composition from the concert, then… I probably caught the main hyperfix of that concert on “Breath.”
“Someone out there has long since decided everything for usSomeone left us no time at all It’sso strange to knowWhat you’ll say with all your phrasesThat this world is complicatedYou have resentment towards itI didn’t read you poemsAnd comforted othersI know all the conversations of silenceAnd the deepest fearsI’ll forget everythingPlease don’t disturbWe’ll never see each otherA little pity”
I ask myself over and over again why I perceive everything this way. Why I focus on a specific song or image. It seems to me that Breath has just become… that same “breath.” Some things are quite difficult to convey even in text.
I don’t like that life decides who I should communicate with. That when I internally block communication, it adds them. Not when I was looking for it, but when I wasn’t looking. When I was disappointed in it all.
The concert was so appropriate. I felt this “fuck” for the person I went there with so much that it was exactly what I needed. It’s that feeling of loneliness at an event where you went with someone. Do I associate this song with that person? Haha! It associates with everyone. Stupid. The entire period from October 10, when the concert was, to today. With everyone I’ve met since that day. Each new person was just like an additional “hook” after which I wanted to… exhale? Yes, probably.
At first it seemed to me that the statement:
“ This world is complicated.You have resentment towards it” is about someone. It’s like I see his world from the outside. But no. It’s about me/my world. It made me think that I want to live without people in it. Work contacts – yes. Daria – yes. Aaron – yes. Kat – yes. Razorblade – yes. And I don’t want to know other people. Nobody. Because there’s no room for anyone else in me. There’s no room for anyone else in my heart. I would like to mention ATC. Of them:
“I won’t keep chasing ghostsI need somebody I can holdGave you my heart and soulThought I was chasing loveI was only chasing a ghost”
Because I was stupidly burned out this summer with these people, acquaintances, other useless shit that I wasted a lot of time on. In fact, to be happy, I didn’t need all of this – because it, for the most part, made me unhappy, if you look back at the last six months. Almost six months, I’ve been out of relationships. But the most fucking part is not the divorce, but these…attempts to “find your person”. There is no “your” person except yourself. All the others are +1s that exist in our lives for a certain time. And disappear, leaving an abyss in our hearts. It was a pain to repair our internal bridges through it after all this nonsense that flew into them…
“My body screams for you
And flies every night
Feeling fear and pain
Running only when it dawns
To feel for a moment
Only your breath
Only your breath
To feel
Only your…
Exhale.
Exhale.”
Discover more from And..
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.