Beast

“A dark and cold apartment
I will disappear here all alone
Give me, I will kill the beast inside me
I will break down all the doors and windows”

I promised not to write anywhere after the end of communication, but what happened… I can’t not write about this. And I’m not talking about the divorce from my wife. I’m not talking about the domestic violence that happened to me the other day, when they started strangling me and I was driving to another house at night, to a safe place. I left you a voicemail that “I need help…”. And I got it in an instant. This support. That day and the next. But then…

This sounds like a joke, but the person you were saving me from started saving me from…you? From your words?..because in every word you wrote that I was a liar. And that I was only hurting you. It sounded like sarcasm, but you said that I was hurting with the description under my works. I told you “okay! Let me delete Deviant, I will delete all my works where you saw them! To remove your pain!”. Was it a desperate step? Yes. But I live to not cause people pain. And my works are about my inner pain. My inner demons. That’s why they are so terrible. So if something hurt me – I write a description under the work, what caused it. I don’t say names. I don’t link to the profile. I don’t even hint at the person. I just write about my pain. I heal my inner wounds this way.

The person who lived with me for 14 years felt pain from the words you wrote to me. I tried to stop myself. I tried to explain that maybe it wasn’t that I was hurting you. It was that you were trying to replace your inner pain with this pain. That we are similar in this – I transform inner pain into outer pain – my works. I think you remember about my previous suicide attempt. You knew I was on the verge, because I wrote about it. And you played with this pain like a doll. The feeling that if I wrote you a farewell note with the words “thank you for the broken heart and goodbye – I thank you for everything, but I can’t go on like this” and swallowed the pills again – for you it would be “the pinnacle of creativity”. An incredible sacrifice for you. The pain that drowned out all yours, for a while, and gave…inspiration? I don’t know. You said that I never understood you and, probably, yes, I don’t understand what it was.

I didn’t think that there were words that could kill my sincere love for a person in a day. That she would find that pressure and those words that would tell me “hey! A person really doesn’t love you. You’re useless to her”. Because when I did the work with tea and signed it:
“Well… the end of communication is not always about something bad. A cup of tea and a couple of waffles can completely replace a person, at least for the evening…” – you definitely took it personally. Without thinking that it could have been dedicated to my wife. That is, this painful perception that everything I created was only for/because of you and it could destroy… your reputation? Is it more important than someone’s life and heart? Seriously?..

I wrote to you many times that if I hurt you, just leave. I revoke your promise not to leave me. Block me forever and never come back into my life. Not because of any “symbols in other people’s works.” I wrote to you many times that I am an emotional, bad, and difficult person. I asked to postpone the conversation for a few days. So that you could calm down and we could talk in a calm tone about what was wrong. So that we could understand each other. But emotions took over and you wanted to write something right now, in the moment.

I’m grateful that you blocked me. Again. And I hope that you never unblock me again and appear in my life. Because I was looking for a person who I wanted to settle in my heart and protect, and instead, I only got deep cuts.

It should be said about the work… the lyrics of the song for which it was created:
“Share the nervous system
There is little strength and the last air
I play with my lungs with black smoke
All the paints have dried, the palette has dimmed

A dark and cold apartment
I will disappear here all alone
Give me, I will kill the beast inside me
I will break down all the doors and windows
A dark and cold apartment
I will disappear here all alone
Give me, I will kill the beast inside me”

My hands are bandaged. There is a term called “naked soul.” That’s why this is the job where I’m completely naked. It’s obvious that my body isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. But I try to accept myself for who I am. With all my flaws and shortcomings. I always thought that the “beast” in our communication was me. That I alone create pain. That these long, uncomfortable conversations are only because of me. But yesterday I realized something else, more important – the problem isn’t always in me. Sometimes the problem is the other person who doesn’t hear you. Who doesn’t want your love. Who says you’re lying, even though who ever lied to whom when they said they “won’t read artworks descriptions anymore,” and the next morning I start not with coffee, but with a painful message about “I guess this person didn’t want anything, if that can be replaced with tea and waffles. You’re such a fake person… and the latest post with the screenshot… it’s so incredible… you deleted it because you wanted to, not because it hurt me.”

– well. Anyone who thinks I’m fake, and that I only cause pain in every person I communicate with in order to “create new work” – delete/unsubscribe from me.

“For months, the silent phone is silent.
There is one plus: no one knows where it hurts.
Winter is in the batteries, and everyone is going somewhere.
Tomorrow, they probably won’t turn off the heating again
And everyone is going somewhere..”

Ps as I said, I will delete all works related to you and burn all the original sources. I will simply cut it out of my life as something that brought him only pain. I want nothing more to do with you. And I know that in future communications you will remember me. As a painful experience. As a bad person who traumatized you. Well – use it. I do not mind that you will give a link to my profile and say “this is a sick person who brings pain!”. Because I am not afraid to show myself as I am. I am not afraid of my inner world. And I do not hide behind an artificial smile.

It is funny and sad that it is not so scary a person who strangles you physically as the one who does it morally. Because the first understands that it is wrong and is cured of it. And the second… will simply find another victim.

Pps the day will come when you will regret that you didn’t hear me at that moment. That some kind of veil covered your eyes and you couldn’t stop. And then I will be in that post, about the fact that there is a person you miss, but who you can’t reach. But you are the one closing the door. And now I know that in that case it was not the other person’s fault either. She disappeared because she couldn’t stand all this. She couldn’t stand you – the way you are. The one who, twisting the facts, says that someone else is doing it. The one who says that someone is lying, not noticing her own lies between the lines…

Ppps another funny fact, if you remove one letter from your insta-nick we will get “fade into lies”. Strange coincidence…