The world has not changed.

I was riding my bike, saw the sun. Autumn weather. Familiar pebbles. Do you know what went through my mind? The world hasn’t changed. That is, yes, it hurts me. I want everyone to (somehow?) notice this. But in general, the world hasn’t changed and things haven’t changed. Yes, it’s harder for me to pull myself together and start doing something. But the fact that it’s harder for me doesn’t mean I have fewer responsibilities or things to do. Because the world hasn’t changed around me. Only in me.

For the past day and a half, I’ve been very active on Deviantart, liking works, following people, supporting authors. More people have joined me than in a long time before, when we communicated with her and all the attention was paid to her alone. Because she was the center of this universe. But the world exists outside of her. And every time, realizing this, I come to the thought that she has lost more from this. But she will feel it much later than today or tomorrow. And I am only concerned about one question – what will happen the day after tomorrow? Because there are two options.

The optimist in me says that nothing will happen. It is not good, not bad. Because every day I am getting further away from attachment. I did not leave my inspiration and did not stop being an artist. I did not lose the opportunity to create new works. And now more people will see them. Because in the last day and a half, 13 people have subscribed to me. This is 10% of those who were before. And so it will be easier to find “my” people. Was she “my” for me? It is difficult to say. Here it should be said that “she has an iPhone” and “her husband provides for their life”. She liked (really?) my work, and I could not understand why. And I still do not understand. Because the way they live, their daily routine, life and in general – it is all different. And even her music was more often calmer. Almost always. And I do not understand then why she was so “attached” to me. What’s the secret?

Perhaps this is what always kept me at a distance. The understanding that I can’t understand why she liked me so much. And maybe the whole secret was in the emotion I gave. But I don’t believe in the emergence of any love for me or my work. Because I’m just a simple person for that. That’s why we are where we are.

I think that for a few more days (or a week?…) I will write posts with reflections on this topic. And now it’s not as “funny” to me as the last time I tracked my states. It’s amazing how in a month you can get close to a person and burn in their flames. You always have to remember this, but you notice it too late.

There is an interesting point, it is based on the fact that the further away, the less sense something has. And our “tomorrow” or “today” will be more valuable than “yesterday”. So the further you are from an event, the less weight it has. The more you talk about the minuses of a relationship to yourself, the less interesting this relationship becomes to you, because you have considered the minuses that you did not notice before. So objectively, it is not about a person being bad or wrong. It is just another method to move away from sadness and pain a little and continue living. I do not like that even when everything is over, I use words in the spirit of “maybe”, “who knows”, doubting that everything is over. Because there is always a “window of opportunity” left in me. It is just that the further away, the more this window closes and you are left in the reality in which you found yourself. It is painful and sad to be left without someone’s love – yes. But what options did we have? And I am talking about the same thing.

She was surprised because I fall in love with everyone I communicate with. Well. That’s me. Welcome to my world.