thoughts

Thoughts

Dualism

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Actually, I would (probably) like it to last longer than a week. Because I feel like I’m in a crowded room. I mean, I’m used to being given attention as if it were me. I usually only communicate with one person at a time. Am I jealous? Yes. I’m the kind of person who wouldn’t be jealous of their partner in terms of sex, because it’s just sex, but I’m… jealous of deep communication with someone? But I don’t think so either. I feel like I’m jealous of people other than my own. That is, I’m jealous of those who should be jealous of me. It’s funny.

I’m glad for the inspiration that these relationships give me, but if you list the works I’ve done, you can come to the conclusion that about 4 out of 5 are created not for joy, but for pain. When you gnaw out an emotion from yourself because of an internal dispute.

And she also agreed that we need a break until the end of the week. So…so, I guess there will be enough communication in the comments. I don’t want personal communication, to get into someone’s life and in general. Because I’m starting to fall in love with a person somehow stupidly, and not in the sense that it’s controlled or uncontrolled – I just know how painful these consequences will be for me. This is not the person I should love – I know that for sure. And “Sa” tells me “if not to love, then what’s the point of it all?” And I don’t know what to answer her. I just feel that this infatuation will come out sideways for me. And I just know that this person doesn’t need me. She’s interested in me as a freak. As something unusual that’s not in her collection yet. That’s why she has such an attitude towards my work. Because it’s atypical for a man. It’s not bad, you just have to understand that we’ll never be friends in the broad sense. Because I’ll always be left at a certain distance. So… a break in communication until the end of the week, but, in general, it doesn’t matter… how long it lasts.

Thoughts

..and if there is still a place in hell…

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..it will be mine..

Then I will ask myself – at what turn did I take the wrong turn and end up in hell. Where exactly did the mistake happen and what?..

If you slow down and think, you very quickly violated the boundaries. This is the first problem. The second problem was that the boundaries are open. In the communication of an adult man and a young girl, there are two fools – a young girl who is typical of this. And a man who does not think about the consequences. In the communication of two adults, there are two fools – an adult man and an adult man. Because there are games that you play too without farce. And you always have to keep your distance. First of all, for yourself. Because right now you do not remember yourself a week ago. Because the wall always catches up with the one who rushes against it.

Never think that two adults can have common goals in communication. But always remember that when their goals diverge – it will be very, very bad. The consequence of all this will be what you said or did. Because you still don’t know the person you’re talking to. And that’s a fact.

Just remember this fact every time you write or think something. Because the world lives by the rules, when all your words can be used against you.

After an accident, there is always glass left. Look – don’t cut yourself.

Plans Thoughts

Fire up the engine, I’m leaving home tonight..

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My creative engine is running, and I like that now I have more inspiration and ideas than before. I regularly publish something on Reddit, on Patreon. From time to time, Redbubble receives new works. And that’s good. I don’t believe that it will ever bring a full-fledged income, but it’s enough for me that I live from it. I see the point in creating something new every time. That I manage to find fairly cheap materials for my creativity. That I have the equipment for this. The idea of going to work is scary only because I won’t have all the paraphernalia that I have at home, but I think that if I want, I can always come up with something. Because I like the path of creativity, not even in terms of earnings, but in terms of self-development. And that’s already a story. This blog is a story. The creativity that I publish is all the beginning of a big story. My story.

Me People Thoughts

Суцільна утопія, знаю…

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Але не можу не думати про це
Маленькі люди просто виживають
«Великі» будують на кістках
Навіщо це? (Навіщо це?)…(c)Redengy

I allowed myself the text and the title in Ukrainian, because it is impossible to translate it meaningfully. Therefore, I decided not to translate it. In general, the main thing in this excerpt is the very question “Why is this?..” – and I thought about it. Why do middle-aged married women seek communication with…other men? I can explain it easily – it has always been easier for me to communicate with women, a very rare man will “put up with” me. Or I him. When and how. It is harder with women. I will not measure it in percentages now, but I know that a certain percentage is connected with the desire to see that her “feminine power” is still working. That she can be interesting. I walk on a sharp edge with all these considerations. But I can’t do without them.

I think that middle-aged women see an opportunity to try something else, and from my feelings they are ready to give up everything for the sake of something else. But on one condition – guarantees. A guarantee that life will not become worse than it was. Although this is a very cynical point of view and I don’t like it. I just feel that something is wrong. That is, the goals and desires of the average middle-aged woman are a mystery to me. I already have several examples of such people, and each time I can’t understand what exactly they need. I remember our communication with Serafima, and that, simply endless feeling of a “spare airfield”. I felt it so much and got so tired of it that I decided to just end the communication. And in these cases I simply can’t understand the goals.

We all know that we are given limited access to information, or rather, exactly as much as we should receive. But why so much of it? Is this an experiment on the topic of reactions to various stimuli? Is it just a mystery in oneself? Or so that, in case of something, you can simply disappear from life without leaving a trace?

Objectively, every person, starting communication, has some goals. We never know them. Goals come at different levels. The minimum goal is pleasant feelings from conversations, new acquaintances. Whatever you call it, it still leads to something like falling in love and novelty. In relationships, we try to find those feelings that we do not already encounter in these relationships. The plus and minus here is one – it is all temporary. So a permanent partner plus “falling in love from time to time” is a completely normal course of events. A person’s goals become clear at the moment when we see how much we are allowed to close people. We need to be introduced somehow. How can a woman introduce her husband to another adult man with whom she communicates? Either as an interlocutor (friend), or a lover. There is no third, neutral option. So when she introduces him to her husband, it is a certain openness, when you have a specific role in their relationship. From the opposite – if she does not introduce him, he may not even guess about this communication in general. And in this case, a person’s goals can be anything. Mostly, it all depends on the man “on the other end of the wire”.

So the starting point of the relationship is how official you are made. Although these are all just my thoughts and only…

People Thoughts

Forecasts

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If I were a weather forecaster, it would always rain when the sun was actually shining outside the window. Because I’m such a lousy “weather forecaster.”

Would I want my forecasts to come true at all? I don’t think so. Because I always think about the worst.

Today I thought about the fact that if I met my old friends now, we wouldn’t be friends. Not because they’re bad people. We’ve just become very different. And this is a fact that I have to accept. If we met her, and I knew everything I know. Would I want to communicate? My thoughts change like a weather forecaster’s weather forecast. And in general, I would say no. But forecasts sometimes lie, and my internal weather changes according to a person’s attitude. If you put your principles on one scale, and trust and openness on the other, what will prevail?

It is trust and openness that make this communication desirable. It’s the trust and openness I lost with my old friends. She just doesn’t know how important it is to me.

People Thoughts

Sa and The Bisexuals

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I could name my rock band that, but it’s not about my musical career.

The other day I asked a question in several places that had been on my mind. I thought “oh! I guess I’ll find the answer in this!”. My question was answered only in the Reddit community. Maybe it’s for the better.

The question was of the following order:
“Question for bisexual men. How do you identify internally?

I mean in general and in relation to sex with another man. That is, during sex, do you feel like a woman, a man, or is sex for the sake of sex and gender is completely absent here? Or, on the contrary, does everything come from the division of the person into a male and female part, each of which needs its own experience?”

I got three answers to it:

Comment
byu/Saint_Creatyre from discussion
inbisexual

Comment
byu/Saint_Creatyre from discussion
inbisexual

Comment
byu/Saint_Creatyre from discussion
inbisexual

And these answers told me “oh my god! Sa! You are unique!”. Just kidding. But this brought me back to where it all started. That is, you cannot attribute yourself to any particular group. Well…except that you can attribute yourself to non-binary individuals, without a clear definition of who you are, who you are interested in and in general.

The essence of the question was that in my opinion bisexual individuals (gender is not important here, but in the male version the question sounds more interesting) enter into same-sex sexual relationships, including playing the role of the opposite sex. But sex is just sex, and everyone answered that they do not change their role in this case. Well…let’s explore ourselves and the world around us further… 🙂

People Thoughts

Resultant wrong

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I am used to perceiving my actions as either a priori wrong or a resultant wrong. How does it work? A priori wrong action is when you think that some action you are going to take will be wrong. Because your experience tells you that you have previously done the same thing and…”everything went according to plan”.

A resultantly wrong action is an action that you did, but as it turned out in the end – you did it in vain/wrong. But you still tried to change something. This is an action about change.

I described the situation, the feelings. The order and reason for the actions. In my opinion, a person should understand “what they got themselves into”. And think about why they had all this. But it’s easier to give a person this choice than to remain silent. Because I’m used to being silent, coordinating in my head the train of thoughts of the other half. As if I’m sitting in someone’s head.

Previously, I would have perceived this as a wrong move. But now I just wanted to close this issue without half measures, because it would be harder for myself. There are certain parallels to communication with Daria here. Maybe they are not so deep, but on a higher level than usual. In general, I am still surprised by people who talk about their thoughts and feelings. More often than not, only I do it. Others are silent. But I get tired of “reading minds”, or, rather, drawing up my vision of other people’s thoughts. Therefore, it’s easier when you just talk to a person about what you feel, what they feel. And there it will be as it will be.

Creative people are complex in their own way. And people like me are also sick, in a certain sense. Or not even in a certain sense. In any case, it didn’t get any worse. So…so.

Me People Thoughts

Don’t humiliate yourself

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You again felt like you missed a chance. But..was there any chance? I continue to reflect on the person’s behaviour, and I understand that it is useless to blame yourself for everything that happened. That is, the person disappeared for no reason. Appeared 3-4 days later in the form of a comment in a completely different place. And you get the feeling that the person is just so comfortable. Not to be interested in others, but to appear when and where it is convenient. When it is convenient for them.

There are many things in which I would like to be wrong. So that I can be a little fool who makes mistakes again. But if not, then I will be a big fool if I decide that the problem is me and start humiliating myself.

I wrote a letter apologizing for the situation and wished the best, just to close this issue for myself. I deleted the message for myself, so as not to go back there, not to look at the profile, not to be interested. Because I told her that I trust the person immediately and completely. Because I fall in love with every interlocutor who answers me more often than others, or rather simply answers. And it’s not about building a future and marriage, but about the fact that you want to maintain communication with a certain periodicity, to which you get used.

I am guilty of actively supporting this communication and believing in it. I was ashamed of the very thought that I could somehow use a person so that he could help with the organisation in a new place if we decided to go there to work.

Sometimes communication for me resembles poison, which I poison myself with every time, forgetting about the consequences. And now I am again raking these consequences and getting from them…

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