thoughts

Personal Thoughts

I hate

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It’s interesting that one of the last, if not the last, posts of the year will be about hate.

I caught myself thinking that I hate the fact that when I look at certain people who either organized a concert for themselves (meaning their own), or something else. And you understand that they were able to do it because they have some acquaintances or friends who helped them do it. In other words, they have this “shoulder” that you have never had in your life.

They say that in a relationship, someone loves, and someone allows themselves to be loved – and sometimes it feels like everything works the same with someone’s help. There are those who help someone, and it’s you, and there are those who just need your help. They are simply not created to help you yourself, even in some small way. Simply because they are not created.

If you look at it more broadly. From the angle that everything in life is based on love – even if it is “blind fanaticism”, it follows that if a person does not love you – they will not want to help you with anything. Because when you love someone – you try to do everything for them. And it turns out that no one loves you.

Every time I catch myself thinking that our relationships (family) are based on that. That for the most part, you can only rely on yourself. There are occasional people who sincerely try to help you, but in a general sense, it doesn’t work that way. With the feeling that you were simply not born with some kind of golden spoon up your ass.

That’s exactly why I’m so attached to people like Kasia, who somehow reacted positively to what I was creating – and that’s it. It seems to you that at least someone has appreciated what others have devalued. And you start clinging to such people. To make an icon out of them.

There is a sense of hopelessness when you realize that there is no solution to all this. Simply because everyone has their own path in life. And if you really can’t touch someone with something that they will like – your path is the path of a loner.

This is sad..

Plans Thoughts

Fetish Shop

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I thought that I would like to open a Fetish Shop. Literally. Sell things that relate to someone’s fetishes. For example, start selling (officially?) toys from Bad Dragon in Ukraine. Or various costumes, dresses for role-playing games. Moreover – latex costumes. Represent our brands that produce BDSM paraphernalia (yes, I have already come across such). It would be intriguing, because in my opinion only people with strange fetishes can be interesting. If you want to find friends – look among your own kind))

This requires a big budget, so I’m not sure that I will ever be able to implement it. But… our life consists of projects that we either implement or not. Who knows how it will go on. Right?..

Thoughts

Changes

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Unnoticeably to myself, I have become too cautious. I no longer make sudden purchases or gifts. Everything is weighed. Measured. I don’t buy things because I “just like them,” but I really consider whether I can afford to pay, for example, $25 for a router. Is that too much? I plan to pay the router itself, which costs $62, in installments, with the understanding that now, this previously ridiculous amount, is becoming unaffordable for me. Maybe until spring. Maybe until we can work at full capacity again, but not yet.

It’s funny, but I even have a budget divided by income. What I spend on expensive goods and what on cheaper ones, even those that will bring more income. I have to check every penny so that one thing matches the other. I plan to heat the house with firewood for at least a couple of months in the winter to save those $166 on gas (although almost the same $166 were spent on firewood). And this savings is in many ways.

The other day I was surprised how many alcohol bottles were in the garbage bag. It is clear that it is not “for a month” or even a year, but it is a fact. You look and understand how much money is spent, including on such nonsense. But if you do not smoke (hello 100 UAH per pack per day/two), it is not scary to drink something 1-2 times a week. Is it scary?..mich gerh laughs at me during these thoughts, because well…because.

Even in the creative realm, it’s a funny moment right now – every time I go to wash, I shave a separate part. Hoping that the day will come, and “after finishing everything else, I’ll go and photograph myself again.” I want that. To do dark things, illuminating them in photos. Sounds good, doesn’t it?..

It’s three o’clock again. Time to sleep…

Plans Thoughts

For the future

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Let go of the past, learn not to cling to people and memories that, like chains, pull you back, chaining you to the foundation. Stop thinking about other people’s problems as your own. Stop trying to make everyone’s life better, including those who are not close to you emotionally. Stop trying to take part in everything you can “get into”. Stop missing things you can never do again and places you can never visit again.

Not thinking about what could have been different or better in this or that place. Going towards the goal, no matter how difficult it may be. Not stopping in the search for a place that will become your home until the last day. A place that you will always want to return to.

Find a job that you will do and get income from it. Do only what you want and think is necessary. Live and look without looking back at your past life. Do everything that you were afraid of and that previously seemed strange and wrong to you. Believe in yourself and that each coming year will be better than the last.

I don’t remember when exactly I wrote this. Or when I lost hope of returning from where I served. Or after a suicide attempt. Or at some other time. But I wrote them to give myself advice on how to continue living. What rules to follow. What path to take. It’s interesting that the last paragraph came true first of all. I think the rest will also happen…

Blog Thoughts

Small creative works

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I have never perceived blog posts as something big. Quite the opposite. When you start a new blog (and I still remember how it happened with my other blog, more than 10 years ago), you think “okay. This is a post. But it’s only one. Who will be interested in one post? There should be many of them! Only then will everyone find something of their own! And will come back to you”. But now I have thought about the fact that each such post is a big job. This is a great achievement. This is something that already exists and will exist in this world, and over time people will return to it. If it is useful. And this is what happens with my old blog, where people read articles that were written several years ago and became relevant right now, during the power outage.

Each article is a big job. Even if it is written in a hurry – the main thing is the meaning that you put into it. And a successfully written article can make your blog famous like some famous song that has resonated in the hearts of many. So don’t underestimate each individual post.

Thoughts

It smelled of death…

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People around me feel death. People call me and talk about death. People talk to me and talk about death. My outlook became darker, and reality became such that I would give a 75 percent that we won’t survive if we don’t go somewhere, and a 25 percent that we’ll make it to the end of the war in the way we are. Because the shelling has become more frequent and more accurate than in the days… when there weren’t any? Exactly. Any shell, drone, bomb – will destroy a house and, more likely, us with it. This is a fact. Dry, but a fact. I thought that I should pay for hosting at least for a year so that the person wouldn’t send me that game for a link to the site in vain, because… reality was getting darker.

When I put on a dress or a wig, I think about what if it arrived now, that’s exactly how they’d find me. I don’t care. As they will. Just a fact. Is it interesting to read a blog when every post could be the last? Does it feel more alive in that case?

Thoughts

Debt

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Despite all the “vile” (phantom?) luxury, we are going through hard times. Because in one place it may seem that we can afford everything, but to pay for what I can earn quick money on – I will go into credit debts. Just knowing that today it is a debt – tomorrow earnings. From a psychological point of view it is difficult, because every time you spoil your nerves by always owing something to someone. On the other hand, sometimes there is simply no other way.

I used to constantly do what I could get into debt one month, and get out of it the next. Because I always knew what I could earn. It was my only talent – to know the price of certain things. That is why I was interested in everything. Because everything has its price. And sometimes, everyone also has its price. Isn’t it interesting how much a human soul costs? How much someone’s honesty costs? How much someone’s truth costs?

To find out, I also got into debt. And now I’m trying with all my might to get out of one.

Life Thoughts

Hell

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When we arrived at our unit, we were greeted by the sign above the entrance “Welcome to Hell.”

Sometimes it seems to me that my life is going to hell, although I hear a machine-gun fire outside the window, an explosion from a shot down target or an incoming flight, and I understand that life cannot go where it already is. So… is it so scary to die with debts? I think not. It’s unpleasant, but not fatal. I try to solve all the issues at the same time. The bank reports “strange things with my account,” and sometimes I’m left wondering – which will come first, a house arrest or card blocking? Oh…

As for someone who wanted to finish the year without debts and loans – I took on (too) big a burden, which I have to somehow bear. I need to somehow survive these two months, not burn out in all this (I mean in employment), take it all out and emerge victorious. And I believe that it will be easier for me from spring, because there will be a full-time job, I will be able to fully establish myself and… I still have to reach it. In every sense.

I made a big bet. I actually bet everything on the idea that I would be a chimney sweep. They asked me, “Sa, what are you sure about?” and I answered – on what I do physically. Because that’s the only thing that’s real. Only what you do with your hands, they can’t take away from you. Because you do it yourself. With these same hands. And I believed in this idea so much that we had Zhuzhik. In fact, for the last savings. Another scrap of savings went to a lithium battery for him, which hasn’t arrived yet. It’s funny, but it can cost almost half of its cost.

We will have almost no work in the winter, so you shouldn’t expect me to take anything out in the winter. Yes, a couple of jobs may happen. But this is not something that will save my financial situation. Something that will save it a little – I do it anyway. As much as I can afford it.

I need a person, but right now they are not in my environment. I say to myself “oh… there is this one” – but I catch myself thinking that this or that one will not give me right now what I need from him or her. Those who are there need my attention themselves, not the other way around. And I want some kind of support, or a physical presence. I would like to find a “ghost person” – someone to share music with. Someone with whom we could run into something via Steam, three or four of us. A living person, not that’s all. But I don’t have the resources right now to think about it right away. I’m even afraid to write to a local group about whether there are even such “dinosaurs” like us who play something cooperative at 30+ years old. Although… I finally took a risk. Let’s see…

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