So…
Saint Creature If you take my insides and twist them through a meat grinder, we will get what I am now made of. Read More
personal
If you were dead or still alive…
Actually, I thought this communication would last longer, because I found some good sides, some pluses. I got used to the person in general. But… Read More
Studying behavior
Sometimes it seems to me that they tell me certain things to evoke some emotion. Jealousy? Maybe. Although it is unlikely to be as deep as I am thinking about it now. Because if you are jealous – you are already hooked. But I would not want to be hooked.
If you think about the question “What does a woman want?” – you will find the answer in a simple “Everything and immediately”. To be loved by everyone, to be given attention. She wants to be seen and done first. To be recognized by everyone as the best. And she will try. Will try to be better in sex, in cooking, in leisure. It will be important for her to fill any empty niche where she can get. But what if the niches are already filled?
There are things that we do subconsciously. That is, not because of some grand plan. But simply because we do them without even thinking about them. And in communication I have become very careful. Because I see the mines that are being planted for me. You can be too frank with someone, but one fine day this frankness of yours will stab you in the back with a knife. And this is not about trust. This is about human nature. Human essence.
I get tired of games – and this is a fact. There comes a moment when I stop understanding why exactly I play this game.
When I ask myself – what does she need, I understand what exactly. This makes me sad. Because she needs emotion. Feelings. This is energy vampirism, just in a different form. And the only question is – how much will I agree with it.
Oh Man The Building Is on Fire!
I remembered this video:
When I saw this photo -_-
When I saw this photo -_-
It seems like not only the building is on fire, but the whole world is on fire! 😀
This world wasn’t made for me
In a strange way, each of the five songs on the album resonates with me at one point or another. Read More
Intimate Diary
This post is about why a man fucked himself, how he did it, and with what. So be careful if you dare to read it. Read More
You think you can kill me…
…Go ahead and try
Burn me to ashes
Throw me to the masses
Fight me till the day I die…
My border
I often ask myself – where is my border?
I communicate with people, I am inspired by their creativity. I bring my creativity into the world. But what about what I want to get from the person I communicate with?
It can be considered canonical that every person is narcissistic and first of all always thinks about their comfort. So, any connection we have with someone is because we want to take something from a person? Do we always get more than we give? Where is the same limit beyond which you see that you gave more than you received? I refer to the anime – to the rule of equal exchange. Is it possible that both parties from some interaction receive more than 50% at the same time?
If we are talking, for example, about music, and we have two performers who have a similar audience – wouldn’t a compatible fit be something that will simultaneously increase the audience of the first and the second? But this is all about famous stars, but what about us? Ordinary people?..
I don’t think I can give anything to anyone. Instead, I understand that I now view any contact as an opportunity or a desire to take something. And I hate myself for it. And I would like to break all ties that would give me at least some chance for help, so that I…try it myself? Fail? Be left with nothing?..again?..
The problem is not that some person will see a need in me. The problem is that when I am inspired and fall in love with the people around me, I feel ashamed that I can use them. And I ask myself – where is the limit? Where am I – the person who is really inspired by someone? Or where am I just looking for some benefit for myself?
In controversial issues, I prefer the point of view that is more related to Sa. By reducing the fate of the former self in myself, I thereby reduce excessive impulsiveness. Because in my previous form I am a box of matches. Which sometimes just waited for a convenient opportunity to light something. I guess I could give a lot to another person. But no one knows how difficult a person I am inside. And if it is so difficult for me to live with myself, then I don’t imagine how others manage it. As an example, at this stage, I was the previous one, I would break all ties. To commit self-mutilation. To tear out the parts of myself that remained outside the void again and again.
Strangely enough, but I think that my creativity and desire to visualize something with blood is nothing more than the inner world. Like a cancerous tumor of the nervous system, when you spit out all your insides, being left with nothing.
I don’t want to hear in my head this question that I am used to. “How long do you think it will last? Well…let’s make bets.” – because it is a time mechanism with a countdown.
I don’t make acquaintances to tie someone to me. These acquaintances are for the sake of hurting myself later. At some appropriate moment.
Knowing yourself does not exempt you from responsibility..
Do you know what the difference is between Sa and me? Sa wants a long and happy life and is looking for ways to achieve it. The more conventional part of me just wants to live out my time, without looking or thinking about the conditions, and simply erase myself from life when the time comes. There is also the question of why I am trying to change and move away from my conventional self?..
S0…maybe it’s true? Maybe..
“I got wiring loose inside my headI got books that I never ever readI got secrets in my garden shedI got a scar where all my urges bledI got people underneath my bedI got a place where all my dreams are deadSwim with me into your blackest eyes”
Happy Birthday Aaron
This work is dedicated to my friend, who celebrates his birthday today. The idea came to me the other day when I saw somewhere an alphabet in the form of body poses. I found a version in which one person was enough and…oh.
There is such a saying “whoever… – does not laugh in the circus”. So – whoever made the letter “D” – does not laugh in the circus! 😀
My pluses are a thin physique. My minuses are that you can’t get away from physiology anywhere, and I’m not my nephew who knows how to do the splits. You immediately understand why people do yoga and what you missed when you didn’t start doing it))
The second part of the work was more experimental. This time I set the camera to manual mode, but the feeling that the white balance or something else was still jumping, changing the lighting a little. Plus, I didn’t take into account the height of the heels a little. Plus, with the “head” it’s not really clear where the frame demarcation line is. Well… I started making this collage when the lights went out. So… I decided to go against fate and not wash or shave before the photo shoot. That’s why I have a light stubble in the photo (although it’s not really visible). I think you understand that this was dedicated to a person, so here I allowed myself to be a little lazy and just do it!
But I couldn’t just take it and do it. I became curious – could I do all this while standing on high heels? The height of the heels is 15 centimetres. I still haven’t learned how to balance on them. So it was funny and strange and fun at the same time.
I made most of the letters right away, without even noticing how. But the problems arose when I had to make “B”, “D”, “O” and “N”. The last one, by the way, was the easiest and completed the name nicely. B was pretty easy, but I wasn’t sure it would turn out well. O made me question it. But D…she came out of hell and went there. So I did what I could)))
P.s. Another peculiarity was that in New Zealand, where Aaron is from, the day starts much earlier than here. So if I hadn’t done it now, I wouldn’t have had time to congratulate him on time. But I did and…I’m going to bed… 🙂
P.p.s the full image can be seen on Deviantart
Keep Falling
This is a very, very old photo, about 15 years old. It’s a hole in the roof of one of the abandoned factories in Odessa. No one knows what it’s for, but looking into it from above you see a complete void. I made a processed version of the photo and added the original.
When I read the lyrics of this song, I remembered that photo…
“I don’t wanna be scared
But I really don’t get
Why do we have to go?
I know so many ways
But I don’t wanna be saved
Why do we have to go?
I try to make my path
I don’t know why you left
We all need someone
I try to let it be
You try to make me see
We all need someone
It’s not easy letting go
Feelings that I don’t know
I’m looking for a sign below
I’m so heavy
We may die young, but that’s okay
We can’t go on
’cause we keep falling down down down
But that’s alright, it’s alright”
I really like the guitar part in this song…
Sometimes I feel like I keep falling into that black abyss in the photo..