So…

If you take my insides and twist them through a meat grinder, we will get what I am now made of. Just the feeling that these insides are being twisted in a meat grinder without stopping.
I woke up with a stomachache – because the stress affected it. I also had pain in my right shoulder, because…what? That’s right. The stress affected it. And that’s exactly why I warned her that for me emotions are about something else. It’s not about emotional “swings” that inspire you. It’s, first of all, about the pain that you experience. And there is nothing good in the fact that you are twisted from the inside out from pain and you cannot do everyday things.

And this is the main difference between us. In general, there were many differences, although there were similar moments too. But the point is that she had a “ghost” (a person she was in love with and with whom communication stopped not because of her, as she said). And she liked that feeling. The feeling of pain. It made her feel alive. And sometimes it seemed that the closer she got to you and told you personal things, the more she wanted you to break up, and then she would tell someone about you. About how she had a good relationship with you, but you moved away. And I didn’t want to believe it, but I think that’s what she was going for. Just to have “another ghost” who would pop up in her memories with pain, so that she would feel alive.

She said that she had never left anyone, but this time she herself said “I think this is the end”. When I said that “it’s fine if it’s convenient for you” – I got on the ignore list. So… am I the first person she left? Or was it some kind of game in which a person always says one thing, and then we see another side of them? She said that she never feels hatred for anyone, only resentment, which passes very quickly. But in my opinion, what she did, deciding not to just unsubscribe but to block me, says that she was very offended. In my opinion, this is hatred.

I can’t leave the feeling that I was just a toy in her hands, which was convenient when…it was convenient. Yes, she communicated in a friendly way. Shared personal things. But I couldn’t understand why. And, probably, I won’t be able to anymore. For what?

The breakup happened because she insisted that we “will see each other someday”, and I told her that I thought that would never happen. Her insistence broke me, that “it’s impossible to reject”, that such a thing would happen. But I, like any other person, am unpleasant when your “no” is answered with “oh, maybe yes!”. So she was very offended that I compared her to a rapist. Was it a brute force? Relatively. Because each of us perceives certain things in our own way.

A part of me, as always, says “it’s a shame that it’s over, and I wish it could continue.” But another part understands that she doesn’t know the “stop word.” Things that would allow us to communicate comfortably and avoid sharp corners. I’m not sure that she liked all the music I was uploading. Although she liked all the posts I made. She always commented. I don’t know what her crush was, but I understand that over time it would fade away, and when I thought about a possible meeting – I would become uninteresting to her. Simply because it always happens like that. It’s sad, but true.

In communication, I always want to ask a person if they will be with me forever, if I will be with them forever? Is they ready to be there in difficult and joyful moments in life? My wife and I didn’t make marriage vows, but we are always there. But from other people you expect some kind of “promise” that they won’t hurt you and love you. They just loved you. She said she didn’t want to hurt me, but then why am I writing this post? Why am I telling my blog about everything that I don’t want to (and almost have no one to) tell anyone?

I think she was offended enough to come back someday. That’s why I don’t want to think about whether something could happen or not. Because I was ignored and I’m not the kind of person who would try to get in touch at any cost. Because I’m hurting now and she didn’t understand that she did it. That’s why, probably, this is a story about two ships. Which sank together. Sad, painful. But what can I do? That’s life.

“I know there’s a broad old place
That don’t seem so heavy
I could just see me there
But you don’t wanna let me
Swimming for the surface now
I think I got the bends
You could try to pull me down
I won’t go there again

Heavy as I am that holds me down
But I don’t got no hands on me now

I’d like to find out if the sky up there is blue
But you’re happy treading water
I’m gonna fly away cause I found, we found you
I can’t keep treading water”(c)Knee High Fox

This may be cheating, but I found someone who understands my emotions and has been supporting me for the past two days. So… maybe I’ll get through this period easier. Thank the world for her

In fact, I thought that with this communication I needed a “fuse” – a person with whom I could communicate in parallel. But as it happens, so it happens. So I…took the easier path and started looking for people with whom I could somehow communicate about creativity and in general. It was strange to meet such a person, but it somewhat smooths out this unpleasant situation with the breakup.