Admiring scars and pretty little wounds..
Saint Creature ..It’s only real if it scars you.. Read More
Thoughts
My World
I am a very soft person. And it is difficult for me because people are used to using it. You can even imagine how they see me as a fool who is being played by them. But the world is full of people who perceive kindness as weakness.
I once said that Sa is the part of me that softens my character. My cruelty. But, also, Sa is the part of me that protects me. And in such cases, it teaches me to take a tough position, defending my point of view. So… this work is exactly about that. About the fact that you need to listen to yourself, not others. And to value, first of all, yourself and those who are really close to you.
And everyone else should know their place in your world.
Why Not?
I am haunted by Vinny’s words that she is scared of my hobby of dressing up as a woman. I explained to her and we understood each other that this is not a hobby of dressing up, but about creating an image that I use for shooting. That is, I need a model – and I become one. But the internal “yin-yang” are constantly dissatisfied with something, and this happened here too, when I was lying in the bathroom yesterday after creativity and thinking that… I can’t stand my dirty (after work) hands.
I feel like some kind of a wimp who walks around in torn clothes, constantly drunk, dirty. Inside, I felt disgusted by the understanding that I cannot make myself “gender neutral” after work – that is, a simple man with just clean, trimmed nails. And I went from the opposite – if there is something that gives me away as “too manly”, something should be opposed to it. So I decided to try painting my nails. Not in the sense of doing a manicure, painting everything in one colour. No. I’m talking about decorating. Today, as an example, I painted half of two nails on each hand. Because I thought it would be interesting that it would look painted on one side, and on the other “with a hint” of the fact that I cracked my fingers with a hammer somewhere, and the nail turned black.
This doesn’t mean that I will constantly and every day come up with something new – no. But if I have a desire, or if there is some design idea – I will implement it. Because this is me – it is a part of me.
I am increasingly reminded of Dizzy from Guilty Gear. I even had the idea of getting a tattoo with her, on one half of the wing where Necro is, write “Saint”, on the other with Undine – “Crea”. Who knows, maybe someday…
Quiet Loneliness
Despite the fact that I am surrounded by many people every day, I feel lonely. Perhaps the advantage of those relationships was that I didn’t feel it, but what difference does it make when loneliness is the result of those relationships?
I immerse myself in work, household chores. There are more than enough of them now. I live by finding myself in something. When my grandmother passed away, my dad told someone that when you work, you don’t really think about the fact that she is no longer there, so it’s easier that way. It’s more or less the same with me.
I don’t try to analyze this situation anymore, because everything happened as it should have happened and it couldn’t have been any other way. In a sense, I am now isolated from people and don’t even want to have any short conversations with anyone. I also can’t find time for creativity right now, so my social interaction is at a minimum. Am I upset about it? Probably not either. Because what I create is still interesting only to me.
I buy some things for creativity and ask myself – why do I need it? For what? You will not go beyond the boundaries of your essence and your body, so is there any point in that? And it is difficult to answer this question. Sa is silent. Just watching from the sidelines what will happen next, and plans to solve problems and issues after the fact.
In a strange way, Kuzya dreamed today. There are people who are used to living in constant unstable relationships with someone. But I would not want to be the one who creates this very instability. This resonates with the fact that I followed her on Instagram, but she does not lead it anymore, so…
There are moments in our lives when we are weaker than at other times. I have found myself in terms of work, but at the same time, I feel that something is missing.
Now we need to close the issue of the house and the “working year”. Then there will be autumn, winter, rest. Time will tell. Time will bring something…
The Law of Equivalent Exchange
I would like to apply “The Law of Equivalent Exchange” to relationships between people. It is easy to use in this area, because in order to fully replace a person, you should not just switch to another or find another communication – this person should evoke in you the same emotions that the previous one evokes, and what you get from him should also be no less than what you received from the previous one. Under any other circumstances, this is just a “colouring of colours”, which mixes feelings, but does not give the same result.
Is it destructive to trust another person? Yes, more than! Because the more we trust someone, the more sadness will come to us from the understanding that the person did not share this trust. And in general, most people should not be trusted too much, because… they still remain people.
I think that any individual relationship is unique in itself. Because it is a certain chemistry. And this chemistry cannot be transferred to any other plane. The similarity of names, habits, musical tastes of two people does not give us a similar experience from communicating with them. Therefore, it is impossible to replace someone with someone. And what is the result? The result is a hole that remains in us from meeting a new person. Over time, this hole has a chance to heal a little, but the experience from interaction remains with us forever. Like a scar from a bullet that hit us. Only the bullet remains in us physically, and people remain in our thoughts.
A significant part of me says that I do not need communication with anyone right now, no matter how much I internally feel that I need it. And, in the end, I would prefer to be alone than to trust someone again, to have this state that I have now again.
I remembered one song, and I think it’s about her now…
“There’s a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Although we won’t ever meet, I’ll remember your name
Can’t believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I can think of a kind thing to say
But I don’t think I can
So fuck you anyway”
Bird
Our relationships with people are like trying to light a fire with a lighter. It seems to burn, as if you see a flame. But, in the end, it is not yellow, but blue. And somehow it quickly goes out. I am not even talking about relationships or communication, but rather about trying to replace one person with another. And so there are two options – either what was there besides paper will catch fire faster than alcohol will run out (funny, just like in life and relationships with people), and the fire will burn – or you will be left with a bunch of cigarette butts that you will not know what to do with.
My fire inside will still burn out, or rather not like that – I will still burn out from the inside, because there is something smoldering. I will go in and refresh the page, hoping to see something – but I already know that it is in vain. And in vain not because, in vain, because I understood the whole secret. And it consisted in the fact that, probably, the whole trick was precisely in the idea of somehow getting me out of my mind, provoking me. So that I would do what I should have done, but what I didn’t do. Because sometimes people need this provocation to stay white and fluffy. So that they don’t ruin something. So that later they have the opportunity to say that “it’s not me, but you”. A wonderful excuse for someone, although I’m used to hanging all my shit like laundry, and not covering up certain moments for which I should be ashamed.
Love will burn out like alcohol,
In the end, without leaving a single one
A bird won’t fly into the sky,
A ship won’t sail beyond alone.
You said you wanted more..
I came to the conclusion that I don’t miss communication as much as the exchange of creative experiences. When a person shares their thoughts on creativity, you share yours – and something ripens in you from that. That is, diversity on the topic of ideas and their implementation.
Communication as such is not interesting to me now and is not needed, because it only takes up time, which I already have so little. In a certain sense, it is sad that I myself wanted more communication “about creativity”, and less about personal things, but personal things crept in from all sides and we have what we have.
“What if I wanted to break?
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Woah)
What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn’t take this anymore
What would you do, do, do?”(c)30StM
I have a thought that now I will draw a picture in my head and realize it in the work that I associate with this song. More precisely, a cover of it…
Especially for this:
“You said you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you, from you”
The world as will and representation
It will not be about Arthur Schopenhauer’s book, but about what I observe around me.
The fact is that today two interesting people subscribed to me. I knew one of them before, and I was pleasantly surprised that she wrote me a private message. I was interested in the person’s thoughts and creativity. And I could only dream that one day she would want to communicate like that. But here we are. Exchanging thoughts about emotions and communication in the messenger.
I found the second person on Deviant and I liked her creativity. I could not believe that she would add me on Instagram. And I take it as an honor.
If we go back to our previous days and thoughts, it turns out that… karma turned on me on the bright side? During these few days that I haven’t communicated with her, I have found many interesting people, received communication in private messages with several new people and this communication continues, my works are commented on and liked, and I feel this interaction with people. There is a certain feeling that that communication was for me not so much as inspiration, but as a cage in which I was tied to one person, on whom I was dependent. But here I am. I breathe freely and move on. I find a response in other hearts, I continue to create new works. And although most of them are echoes of that separation from a person – I move on. And it is difficult for me to somehow comprehend and put an end to what it was – that communication. What was it then for me, if now I am starting to breathe more and more widely every day? And who of us needed more – me for her, or she for me.
This is a strange story and I will be experiencing it and covering it in my work for a long time, but I am no longer so scared because I lost my interlocutor and friend. However… can a person who blocked you be a friend?..
I’ll never hate myself for who I am…
..If we’re gonna start a war, you’ll be sorry in the end?..
The inner world is divided into “Listening to “Chasing Ghosts” all day long” and… I don’t know. I am divided by the sadness of what could have been and what will not be. That is, you always lose something and get something. And this example is very clear.
It seems that I am returning to the previous story with my thoughts that I am not finalizing this relationship with this person somehow. But in a certain plane. That is, I, theoretically, would not mind if this communication continued, but, at the same time, I will not do anything to return it. Because I have already done it once, and I am not the only person who should need it. But here the rule of the opposite applies. In life you always get what you do not expect. And you expect what you will not get.
There are things that do not depend on us or our desire. Now I feel fulfilled despite the lack of this communication, because I have a job and there are people who support me both with their creativity and communication. So the question is who really needed this communication more.
I took a step forward above myself, and I don’t check if this person has also blocked me on Deviantart. Because that’s her business. I didn’t block her, because I don’t do that with dear people.
I’m betting that she will miss something in detail a little and move on. Because she’s a girl, and girls have always done that to me. Nothing new. I don’t think she’ll surprise me with something and pop up somewhere. Because she even came to the blog only for certain reasons. I finalize all these thoughts with a song that came to mind…
“Well, good for you, I guess you’re gettin’ everything you want (Ah)
You bought a new car and your career’s really takin’ off (Ah)
It’s like we never even happened
Baby, what the fuck is up with that? (Ahh)
And good for you, it’s like you never even met me
Remember when you swore to God I was the only one
Person who ever got you? Well, screw that, and screw you
You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do
Well, good for you
You look happy and healthy, not me
If you ever cared to ask
Good for you
You’re doin’ great out there without me, baby
God, I wish that I could do that
I’ve lost my mind, I’ve spent the night
Cryin’ on the floor of my bathroom
But you’re so unaffected, I really don’t get it it
But I guess good for you
Maybe I’m too emotional
But your apathy’s like a wound in salt
Maybe I’m too emotional
Or maybe you never cared at all”
Drop by drop
Once I was acquainted with a girl from whom I received a “signature”. She cost me a laptop. We agreed that when she received the laptop – she would send me money. But she never sent it to me. I trusted her very much, and… this trust cost money. But that’s not the point. She had a signature under a nickname. The phrase. “When all the rats ran away – the ship stopped sinking”. I remembered it for two reasons. The first of them – because it corresponded to what she did. The second – because it is a really “working” phrase.
When something changes a lot in our lives – it is not always about the minus. I was disappointed that I would no longer have an interlocutor, and I began to look at the work of other people. With this person, I did not pay attention to others, because one person is enough for me. Is there much space in my heart? I always said that “… there will be enough for one more person”. In fact, there is even a little more of it now. And I was joined by different people whose creativity I appreciated. They leave comments under my works. They like what I create. They talk to me. And instead of one person who inspires me, I got more. And each of them is very valuable to me. Not because they like what I do – but because I really like their creativity.
Thank you to everyone who surrounds me these days – you make my world better, and I will try to make yours too!
This is probably a strange post on the third day after the “breakup”, but it is true. I am healed by work and the people around me. Thank you!