Self-identification is something that still haunts me. Because I scroll through various fragments of memories and myself, coming to the conclusion that I have never decided who I am. The post will be divided into several subsections, each of which will be about a certain topic. I guess I just want to somehow “arrange” everything. But will I succeed?..
Physical
Since my youth, I have loved the feeling of something entering me. Yes, yes, we are talking about anal caresses. Starting with the ridiculous – the fear that “you can get pregnant” like that, and ending with stealing condoms from my brother’s bedside table. It seemed to me that I was touching something “adult”. I was very sorry that they were actually enough for one time, but when something that was dressed in a condom entered me – it seemed to me that it was “the same”. Did I imagine then that a man was entering me? No. Did I have any ideas over time that my neighbor was “going inside” me? Yes. We were almost the same age, so it was perceived somehow strange and not at the same time. In fact, the main “sexual partner” for me at that time was… a plunger. A little big, but you don’t choose your lovers, right? 🙂
I had episodes when I stole my neighbors’ (girls) underwear and either put it on or masturbated in it. So this dispels the theory that I was sexually attracted to my gender. Moreover – in addition to sexual perception, I found the very idea of kissing a man disgusting. In a man, I could only be interested in one part of him, which I never sought direct acquaintance with. When my girlfriend and I got our first sex toy – I was secretly happy that “I would finally feel a real penis inside me.” But it wasn’t much different from my “old friend” with a wooden handle. It caused some sadness, so all subsequent attempts to find a “realistic penis” came to the collection of toys that we have. And for the most part, I’m satisfied with the sensations I’ve gotten lately.
I like the feeling that something fills me and stretches me. I also realize that with a strong character – when something fucks you, these are the same feelings when you can be weak. A kind of self-flagellation… with a penis? Exactly. You want everything dirty to come out of you, metaphorically, and you get rid of the negative emotions that were during this period. Can you perceive this as “being filled with something new”? Yes. You want to be filled so that it flows out of you. In every sense…
But I’ve never had sexual contact with men and a real penis. So it’s hard to send me to the bisexual or gay camp so that I can start to identify with them. Would I like such an experience?..time to move on to the next point.
Spiritual
For me, interaction with someone else – no matter what gender, is primarily spiritual. You have to “melt” into someone’s personality. Be a part of it, share thoughts, views on the world. That is, in fact, if I were to uncompromisingly fuck someone – it would be… myself. I mean a person who would have the same self-perception. The same cockroaches. At the same time, I would also not be against such experiences. But this person is something metaphorical, because finding a person who will be spiritually close to you is very difficult. It is even harder to find a person who would share your common views with your wife, so that she would somehow fit into this “puzzle of relationships”, and such an experience would be interesting for everyone. So, probably, there is no such person with whom there would be a desire to have sexual contact, because as one person sang, “sex without love is not interesting to me.” And here we go further.
Love
Is it possible to love another man? In my understanding, gender does not matter, because as another singer said – “we do not have sex with the body. We have sex with the personality.” So, you can also love a personality. What a person is to you. It does not matter how the world perceives him – it is important who this person is to you. Here it is necessary to make a remark – I am very lucky with the relationship that I have now, because I am in a relationship with a person who understands me and understands my perception. This gives me freedom for self-expression, and makes life much easier. That is why I can write these thoughts freely, without fear that something will be perceived “not the way” I would like.
Any clarification of some important things for me in a conversation with other people shows me that I could not be with anyone else. At least because people are simply not able to perceive things that are absolutely familiar to me. Not to mention everything that I wrote here above. But it should be noted that under everything that was said above, you can draw a line. Its thesis will be that I do not perceive sex as sex. That is, I buy games with sexual overtones not in order to engage in “paid masturbation”. I like aesthetics. The emotions that what I see evokes in me. And this aesthetics, again, leads us to the fact that physically you can fuck with anyone. But you will feel the full “filling” of yourself with the body, spirit, and juices of a person only when you are close on a spiritual level. Only at that moment will you get what you would like to try.
Identification
My Sa is an integral part of my personality. But physically (appearance) I am closer to a man than to a woman. So I would not become the person who would want to change gender to be different. But this does not reduce my desire to be part of the “other camp”, which consists of some feminine moments of aesthetics. Clothes, makeup, a little sexual subtext. I like it, and I think that soon I will make new creative experiments. In which I will appear again in an alternative image. In the form of Sa. I am a being who prefers to be myself. Not limited by the framework of sexual or any other self-identification. Because since my youth there is both male and female in me. And I perceive both halves of myself. If ever there were such a person whom you would admire and dissolve in – I probably would not mind if she took possession of me not only spiritually, but also physically. She will have every right to do so. But the further I go, the more I think that this is a very abstract person. Whom one can search for all one’s life.
I don’t know how much of a coincidence this is, but it’s interesting that when we went to flea markets – several times (maybe because of the specifics of the things I was interested in and the fact that my face was not visible in the hood) I was addressed as a girl. And at work, when someone addresses me, the phrase “girls” sounds like I’m not even there. At least in terms of my physical gender. This has become more noticeable over the past year.
So, who do I consider myself to be? I consider myself to be Sa Crea. A being who simply wants to enjoy life, without being distracted by other people’s labels.
Saint Creature