..Well I don’t know where to start
It tears me apart, I can’t feel your heart..
After 11 years of marriage, I decided that I want to divorce. It’s strange that I have no one to talk to about this. Therefore, as always, I will talk to myself here.
Sometimes we accidentally come to the understanding that you no longer give each other what you used to. All that is is a certain “stability” with breakdowns from time to time. And a completely logical question arises – what is it then? Love? Or a habit? Where does love end and just habit begin, and the understanding that “it’s easier that way”? I generally always believed that love is a habit. That is, when you are given something, you give something in return. I ask myself – did I really think so? Did I bring my relationship under this concept to perceive it as normal? To tell myself “this is how it should be.” But I see that over time this relationship is becoming more and more toxic for both of us. She doesn’t hear me, I don’t hear her. And every time our quarrels end in nothing. Everything just goes on as it was. But now everything has changed. Because I have changed. Because my vision of the world has changed.
After the suicide attempt, I had to collect myself piece by piece. Try to find some meaning in my further existence. Find a reason to live, and not try to die again. I read somewhere that about 50% of people make another attempt. Although it seemed to me that when I was interested after that attempt, the percentage was somewhat higher. And I was scared by the idea that I could be one of them. Especially since now I don’t have such a fear of death, so I’m more afraid of my potential actions than the result. And I came to understand that if I continue to live like this and ignore the things that cause me pain – there will be another attempt. Simply because I ask myself “okay, boy. So why are you living if your loved one hurts you? Or, not even directly, but your relationship as such..”
Marriage has always been just a point with privilege for me. It didn’t give anything… concrete. We still haven’t had rings and no one has cheated on anyone. But I understand that if divorce as such doesn’t change anything either, then we will have to live separately from now on. And it would probably be great if at least one of us had some prospects, but the problem is that right now, probably, neither of us would want to be with anyone else. But that’s not what I want to think about.
You still end up in the same boat. And even if it ended with us breaking up, it would hardly be about “removing each other from life.” Because that’s probably not the case. In general, it’s hard for me to think about it. Because I am a person who has always wanted some kind of stability. And all this instability… I am sad about many things. But the further I go, the more I come to the conclusion that sometimes there are not many options. And if the question is whether to die in this relationship or stay away, but be alive – I will choose the second. Because at least some choice is better than none.
In this relationship, only I made plans, and she only supported them. I do not want to go into more details about the relationship now, because these are not the things that you should talk about only from your side. It is just that sometimes you come to the conclusion that although you have a similar worldview, you have a different vision of how life should be lived. You have common values, but the “price” is different.
I don’t know how things will develop further, and… we planned to file for divorce through an app that is currently not working (yes, in Ukraine you can get married and get divorced through an app on your phone. Strange, isn’t it?..), but for now we are going our separate ways. So time will tell what will happen next and only time will know what will be better. I just wanted to share these thoughts with someone…
“You told me that you never loved anyone like me
I told you that loving you feels like I’m dying
I’m too tired I can‘t do it anymore
Tell me, what am I giving myself to?
What am I losing my head for, huh?
What am I breaking my back for?
For a love I can’t reach?
It’ hopelessly, supposedly..”
Interestingly, I thought this song was about my relationship with Kasia. But now I realize that it’s mostly about this situation…
“I can’t forget your face
I can’t accept the way you’ve changed
How you wanted to stay
But leaving was the only way
I can’t forget your face
I can’t forget the way it aches
Yeah, I still care about you
And I’m holding on ’cause I’m lonely too..”
Discover more from And..
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.