Admiring scars and pretty little wounds..

..It’s only real if it scars you..

As I was immersed in the inner darkness, I encountered the outer darkness. The shelling has caused us to have trouble with the lighting, so I am typing again, my light powered by the bicycle battery.

As I was riding through the city, this song was playing in my headphones. I have learned to listen to several songs even when I am riding through our small town. I often think about what I am listening to. Today I asked myself – is she a part of me? Was my music a part of her? Was this music in my life because of her, or does it exist in a universe where it has never crossed my path? I mean that person I have been talking about so much recently.

And I answered myself that no. Yes, this person has hurt me, but he has not taken me from me. I have let her too close to me, and I probably should not have done that. But we have what we have and we deal with the consequences. It reminds me of when some object collapses, and after a while people come to dismantle the rubble and think about what to do with it next. I am not going to build any barricades around myself or anything else. I am not going to treat people differently, especially from some specific geographical part (Poland? Hmm. Now there are several new people from there, whose creativity and conversations inspire me). So she gave me a scratch, but she did not destroy what was revealed to her.

I will probably ask myself “why?” for a long time and about what she needed from me – a strange person with strange creativity. But I know that I will not find the answer either inside myself or outside. Because there is no answer. It reminds me of a “person” who smokes and throws cigarette butts in a trash can somewhere. Is the life of such a person worth anything? No. Because it is selfishness. Because a person harms those around him, not caring about others, about the world around him.

Tomorrow they are supposed to bring me my Zhuzhyk. I think I will share his photos and description one of these days. There are many things to do in the coming days and too few opportunities to do it. But I will try…

“Admiring scars and pretty little wounds
It’s only real if it scars you
Razor in my hand
I’ll let you know when I land

I do anything to feel something
I find value in suffering
How do I know I’m alive
If I don’t bleed and my tears are dry

I do anything to feel somеthing
I find value in suffering
How do I know I’m alive
Whеn it feels like I’ve already died”