Debauchery
Saint Creature I increasingly began to catch myself thinking that my debauchery had no limits. Read More
October 2025
I let people go easily.
There is a type of people I easily let go of. Here she is. She lives near Lutsk. Is that a sin? No. We lived there ourselves. Not far away…she goes to Slovakia – is that a sin? No…it’s not about that. It’s just that fragment that was in the last letter from one of the platforms she writes on. She writes on a russian-language blog site – is that a sin? Yes.
At such moments, I get the feeling that Western Ukraine is really a “separate world” where there is no war, so… is it possible to write on an enemy site where every 4.5 out of 5 people want you dead? Yes… probably. Because people from the “peaceful world” are like goldfish. They don’t remember for long why they left their country at the beginning of the war. And it’s convenient now to wander off to Slovakia, or Germany, or somewhere else to “distract” themselves from this war.
There was once a game called Dr. Mario. In my childhood, we played it on an old game console, which was an analogue of the Nes. The picture was black and white, and there you had to destroy microbes. White, yellow and red. In monochrome, white and yellow were like one colour, barely distinguishable if you look closely. And here is the feeling that for this person there is a war in monochrome.It exists – but you can also write. Because “the war is somewhere out there…”
Watched Gangs of New York (2002)
It’s strange to watch a movie that’s almost as old as you are. You immediately replay in your head how old you were then, what you had in your life, what events happened at that time. In about the same way, you watch a movie and try to understand exactly how and what people lived in those times.
The issue of migration is always controversial, especially among indigenous people. All this leads to wars and the distribution of power in different territories. This is what Martin Scorsese’s film Gangs of New York is about. I don’t want to retell the plot and mention the characters, let’s just go through the feelings. This is the same film that the two of us have not watched yet, so it was all the more interesting to find out what exactly caused such delight in people that the film received so many awards.
In most cases, the list of actors’ names can tell you what kind of movie you’re going to watch. And if you pay attention to who was in the movie – we can safely say that the movie simply could not fail, at least with a lot of famous names. But what is hidden behind them?
The story is quite familiar, when a child’s father is killed and she plans to take revenge. This is not the first and not the last time that from the beginning of the film you understand how it will end. But the plot unfolds, and it begins to seem to you that everything will not be as it seemed. You even make theories about who will be “the one” who will turn history in their favor and write it. But…
Something starts to go wrong around the second half of the film. When the cards are open, you understand who is who and what his goals are, but, more importantly, the characters know the same thing. And here you are faced with stupidity that is impossible to forgive. Why? Well… because. Half the film shows us a character who lives by principles. He talks about how he “never killed honest people, except…” – but… At another moment, he begins to sharply hate the person whom a few minutes ago he praised and exalted to heaven. And you have a certain dissonance – how is that? What is the character’s worldview based on, if at one moment he says and does one thing, and at another it changes so much that it becomes difficult for you to understand “what was that?” – the first half of the film.
The main three actors (although half of the list is famous names) played the first half of the film wonderfully, and… surprisingly the second. There are certain elements of romance that are not revealed. There are certain elements of friendship that are destroyed. And in general, if you think about it, the whole film is about everyone being shit. Some are just because they were born that way, and others – because they think it’s easier to live in this world that way.
The film was interesting to watch for almost three hours. But there are few reasons why I could recommend it. It is no worse than similar films, but is it better?..
Hell
When we arrived at our unit, we were greeted by the sign above the entrance “Welcome to Hell.”
Sometimes it seems to me that my life is going to hell, although I hear a machine-gun fire outside the window, an explosion from a shot down target or an incoming flight, and I understand that life cannot go where it already is. So… is it so scary to die with debts? I think not. It’s unpleasant, but not fatal. I try to solve all the issues at the same time. The bank reports “strange things with my account,” and sometimes I’m left wondering – which will come first, a house arrest or card blocking? Oh…
As for someone who wanted to finish the year without debts and loans – I took on (too) big a burden, which I have to somehow bear. I need to somehow survive these two months, not burn out in all this (I mean in employment), take it all out and emerge victorious. And I believe that it will be easier for me from spring, because there will be a full-time job, I will be able to fully establish myself and… I still have to reach it. In every sense.
I made a big bet. I actually bet everything on the idea that I would be a chimney sweep. They asked me, “Sa, what are you sure about?” and I answered – on what I do physically. Because that’s the only thing that’s real. Only what you do with your hands, they can’t take away from you. Because you do it yourself. With these same hands. And I believed in this idea so much that we had Zhuzhik. In fact, for the last savings. Another scrap of savings went to a lithium battery for him, which hasn’t arrived yet. It’s funny, but it can cost almost half of its cost.
We will have almost no work in the winter, so you shouldn’t expect me to take anything out in the winter. Yes, a couple of jobs may happen. But this is not something that will save my financial situation. Something that will save it a little – I do it anyway. As much as I can afford it.
I need a person, but right now they are not in my environment. I say to myself “oh… there is this one” – but I catch myself thinking that this or that one will not give me right now what I need from him or her. Those who are there need my attention themselves, not the other way around. And I want some kind of support, or a physical presence. I would like to find a “ghost person” – someone to share music with. Someone with whom we could run into something via Steam, three or four of us. A living person, not that’s all. But I don’t have the resources right now to think about it right away. I’m even afraid to write to a local group about whether there are even such “dinosaurs” like us who play something cooperative at 30+ years old. Although… I finally took a risk. Let’s see…
And i become a…
I appear less and less “in public” (I’m talking about “And”), and I guess I should tell you a little bit.
I’ve always been used to thinking about how it looks from the outside. And in my head now “Hey, dude! You still haven’t moved on after that conversation? Are you depressed or what?” – but no.
It just so happened that I started cleaning chimneys. Along the way, a month ago I decided to part ways with my “partner” and make it a family business. So… we needed transportation. We had about $1,300 saved up, and… we took out a three-wheeled electric scooter worth about $2,200 in instalments for three months. I thought “hey! We’ll earn a little, use a little from what was saved, and everything will be fine!” – but the rains started and…oh. On the good news – in a month this transport allowed us to earn about a hundred dollars. This is a good result, because there was no work due to the weather. However…let’s get back to the stories.
At the same time as we got the transport, it became clear that the power outage due to enemy attacks would not allow us to do our work in the form in which we do it. So we had to buy a generator (this is another $ 350 in expenses). I thought about the fact that it would be nice for the future (and while I can find a buyer for the new lead batteries from my transport) to replace the acid batteries with lithium ones. And…oh. Well, you understand that I ordered another $ 800 worth of batteries. There were $ 200, another $ 600 was taken from the savings.
I sold my camera (which broke down, the other camera is still with me), and invested this money in our transport, which was bought for work. This allowed us to close almost a month of the loan, and in a month we have to pay the final $ 700 in instalments, most of which are due.
Along the way, I find goods at local markets, win them at auctions and sell them at regular prices. This has become a small profit during the times when it is raining outside and I cannot clean chimneys. Tomorrow I will go to get cells for the battery that I am collecting for my neighbours. This will also provide some income. In addition, I need to help my brother and collect a backup battery for his house. So… as you can see, I have enough things to do. And problems. Or rather, not problems, but issues that need to be closed.
When buying Zhuzhyk, I told myself that the next few months would be difficult. I understood that I would need to earn more and devote myself to work.
It also turned out that we need a generator a little more powerful, so…paying in instalments for the one we have now, we ordered another one – more laborious and expensive. It should be shipped tomorrow and then we can sell the one we got recently.
Usually I don’t like to have several things hanging over my head at the same time. But now it has become my rhythm of life. I don’t notice how the days fly by, and I hope that winter will fly by just as quickly. Because in the spring I will be able to work fully.
From all this, I think it becomes clear why I don’t make blog posts and, even more so, I don’t do creative work. I just physically don’t have enough time for this right now. Because now I have to continue putting up things for sale that I received a few days ago. It’s all hard and exhausting, but I like it. I like having goals, seeing the future. This is something that I haven’t had enough of for so long. This fatigue in my eyes – I love it. Because it says that I know how I will live tomorrow day.
Don’t promise that we will be together forever here, in joy and sorrow…
Because our souls are no longer here to heal them,
the incurably ill…
Diptych “Void”
Sometimes certain things in my head come together into a composition that is mostly understandable only to me.
The scars of your love remind me of us..
..They keep me thinkin’ that we almost had it all..
No Way Out
This is the third creative work on a song by the Halflives band and, more importantly, the third work on a song from the album “How Much a Heart Can Take Before It Breaks”. I had a dream to do a work on each song from it. Read More