September 2025

Bicycles Plans

Chronicles

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Sometimes I disappear for certain things, and now is one of those times. It’s a crazy time, a lot is happening, a lot of things that scare me, but which could be my new path.

The thing is, a month ago we started cleaning chimneys and…we have some success in this direction. This month I worked with a partner, but I came to understand that I take on most of the work (not least the equipment), and we need to somehow separate ourselves, because either you do something together and build something, or someone builds it on you. I don’t really like it, so I decided to work separately and make it a family affair. As a result, today they are going to send me a three-wheeled electric scooter (this is a little more than we planned when we wanted to buy a three-wheeled one with a roof this year) with a large body measuring 1.8*1.3 meters. This will help us both transport the equipment ourselves and do additional part-time work. If everything goes as planned, I will be happy to tell you about what exactly we bought and why.

But it’s also a big responsibility and a big investment (especially before the winter period, when you won’t be able to work very much). So first of all, all I can do now is try to earn money as quickly as possible to pay off the installments for this transport. Plus, the cold weather has suddenly arrived and we will be closing urgent issues around the house very quickly to meet the winter in warm conditions.

Of course, I would like to really invest in creativity right now, but right now it’s a bit too late and there are things I have to decide by the end of this year. If everything goes as I plan, then we will enter the spring with the opportunity to have a stable and constant income.

My Schwinn Town & Country is also a bit “sick” now, and I still can’t get it back to normal working order. I might have to replace the rear axle with a different design. But for now, there are more pressing issues. However, if the experience is successful, I’ll definitely write about that too.

Thoughts

My World

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I am a very soft person. And it is difficult for me because people are used to using it. You can even imagine how they see me as a fool who is being played by them. But the world is full of people who perceive kindness as weakness.

I once said that Sa is the part of me that softens my character. My cruelty. But, also, Sa is the part of me that protects me. And in such cases, it teaches me to take a tough position, defending my point of view. So… this work is exactly about that. About the fact that you need to listen to yourself, not others. And to value, first of all, yourself and those who are really close to you.

And everyone else should know their place in your world.

Art Photos Thoughts

Why Not?

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I am haunted by Vinny’s words that she is scared of my hobby of dressing up as a woman. I explained to her and we understood each other that this is not a hobby of dressing up, but about creating an image that I use for shooting. That is, I need a model – and I become one. But the internal “yin-yang” are constantly dissatisfied with something, and this happened here too, when I was lying in the bathroom yesterday after creativity and thinking that… I can’t stand my dirty (after work) hands.

I feel like some kind of a wimp who walks around in torn clothes, constantly drunk, dirty. Inside, I felt disgusted by the understanding that I cannot make myself “gender neutral” after work – that is, a simple man with just clean, trimmed nails. And I went from the opposite – if there is something that gives me away as “too manly”, something should be opposed to it. So I decided to try painting my nails. Not in the sense of doing a manicure, painting everything in one colour. No. I’m talking about decorating. Today, as an example, I painted half of two nails on each hand. Because I thought it would be interesting that it would look painted on one side, and on the other “with a hint” of the fact that I cracked my fingers with a hammer somewhere, and the nail turned black.

This doesn’t mean that I will constantly and every day come up with something new – no. But if I have a desire, or if there is some design idea – I will implement it. Because this is me – it is a part of me.

I am increasingly reminded of Dizzy from Guilty Gear. I even had the idea of ​​getting a tattoo with her, on one half of the wing where Necro is, write “Saint”, on the other with Undine – “Crea”. Who knows, maybe someday…

Personal Thoughts

Quiet Loneliness

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Despite the fact that I am surrounded by many people every day, I feel lonely. Perhaps the advantage of those relationships was that I didn’t feel it, but what difference does it make when loneliness is the result of those relationships?

I immerse myself in work, household chores. There are more than enough of them now. I live by finding myself in something. When my grandmother passed away, my dad told someone that when you work, you don’t really think about the fact that she is no longer there, so it’s easier that way. It’s more or less the same with me.

I don’t try to analyze this situation anymore, because everything happened as it should have happened and it couldn’t have been any other way. In a sense, I am now isolated from people and don’t even want to have any short conversations with anyone. I also can’t find time for creativity right now, so my social interaction is at a minimum. Am I upset about it? Probably not either. Because what I create is still interesting only to me.

I buy some things for creativity and ask myself – why do I need it? For what? You will not go beyond the boundaries of your essence and your body, so is there any point in that? And it is difficult to answer this question. Sa is silent. Just watching from the sidelines what will happen next, and plans to solve problems and issues after the fact.

In a strange way, Kuzya dreamed today. There are people who are used to living in constant unstable relationships with someone. But I would not want to be the one who creates this very instability. This resonates with the fact that I followed her on Instagram, but she does not lead it anymore, so…

There are moments in our lives when we are weaker than at other times. I have found myself in terms of work, but at the same time, I feel that something is missing.

Now we need to close the issue of the house and the “working year”. Then there will be autumn, winter, rest. Time will tell. Time will bring something…

People Personal Thoughts

The Law of Equivalent Exchange

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I would like to apply “The Law of Equivalent Exchange” to relationships between people. It is easy to use in this area, because in order to fully replace a person, you should not just switch to another or find another communication – this person should evoke in you the same emotions that the previous one evokes, and what you get from him should also be no less than what you received from the previous one. Under any other circumstances, this is just a “colouring of colours”, which mixes feelings, but does not give the same result.

Is it destructive to trust another person? Yes, more than! Because the more we trust someone, the more sadness will come to us from the understanding that the person did not share this trust. And in general, most people should not be trusted too much, because… they still remain people.

I think that any individual relationship is unique in itself. Because it is a certain chemistry. And this chemistry cannot be transferred to any other plane. The similarity of names, habits, musical tastes of two people does not give us a similar experience from communicating with them. Therefore, it is impossible to replace someone with someone. And what is the result? The result is a hole that remains in us from meeting a new person. Over time, this hole has a chance to heal a little, but the experience from interaction remains with us forever. Like a scar from a bullet that hit us. Only the bullet remains in us physically, and people remain in our thoughts.

A significant part of me says that I do not need communication with anyone right now, no matter how much I internally feel that I need it. And, in the end, I would prefer to be alone than to trust someone again, to have this state that I have now again.

I remembered one song, and I think it’s about her now…

“There’s a look on your face I would like to knock out
See the sin in your grin and the shape of your mouth
All I want is to see you in terrible pain
Although we won’t ever meet, I’ll remember your name

Can’t believe you were once just like anyone else
Then you grew and became like the devil himself
Pray to God I can think of a kind thing to say
But I don’t think I can
So fuck you anyway”

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