…makin’ me so sad…
Saint Creature If you take the number of things that make my ass burn in life, you could… Read More
August 2025
In childhood…
In childhood, before falling into the grass, you didn’t think about anything. Now, before falling into the grass, you think about how to avoid falling into a hedgehog with your ass. And a hedgehog is no worse example…
I hit the bottom again…
…It’s good to see you old friend… Read More
Resultant wrong
I am used to perceiving my actions as either a priori wrong or a resultant wrong. How does it work? A priori wrong action is when you think that some action you are going to take will be wrong. Because your experience tells you that you have previously done the same thing and…”everything went according to plan”.
A resultantly wrong action is an action that you did, but as it turned out in the end – you did it in vain/wrong. But you still tried to change something. This is an action about change.
I described the situation, the feelings. The order and reason for the actions. In my opinion, a person should understand “what they got themselves into”. And think about why they had all this. But it’s easier to give a person this choice than to remain silent. Because I’m used to being silent, coordinating in my head the train of thoughts of the other half. As if I’m sitting in someone’s head.
Previously, I would have perceived this as a wrong move. But now I just wanted to close this issue without half measures, because it would be harder for myself. There are certain parallels to communication with Daria here. Maybe they are not so deep, but on a higher level than usual. In general, I am still surprised by people who talk about their thoughts and feelings. More often than not, only I do it. Others are silent. But I get tired of “reading minds”, or, rather, drawing up my vision of other people’s thoughts. Therefore, it’s easier when you just talk to a person about what you feel, what they feel. And there it will be as it will be.
Creative people are complex in their own way. And people like me are also sick, in a certain sense. Or not even in a certain sense. In any case, it didn’t get any worse. So…so.
Bad Habits
It just so happens that I realize my inner world in my work. And this is the very case when the emotion that was experienced was reflected in this picture, or rather, a series.
“It’s crazy
How did this start with fire?
Burning when I met you
With desire
It’s crazy
How did we get to this?
We both fell for something
We didn’t know exists..”
“I lost control
You had it
We were alone
Bad habits
We lost control
We had it
Now I’m alone
Bad habit…”(c)Nerv
Don’t humiliate yourself
You again felt like you missed a chance. But..was there any chance? I continue to reflect on the person’s behaviour, and I understand that it is useless to blame yourself for everything that happened. That is, the person disappeared for no reason. Appeared 3-4 days later in the form of a comment in a completely different place. And you get the feeling that the person is just so comfortable. Not to be interested in others, but to appear when and where it is convenient. When it is convenient for them.
There are many things in which I would like to be wrong. So that I can be a little fool who makes mistakes again. But if not, then I will be a big fool if I decide that the problem is me and start humiliating myself.
I wrote a letter apologizing for the situation and wished the best, just to close this issue for myself. I deleted the message for myself, so as not to go back there, not to look at the profile, not to be interested. Because I told her that I trust the person immediately and completely. Because I fall in love with every interlocutor who answers me more often than others, or rather simply answers. And it’s not about building a future and marriage, but about the fact that you want to maintain communication with a certain periodicity, to which you get used.
I am guilty of actively supporting this communication and believing in it. I was ashamed of the very thought that I could somehow use a person so that he could help with the organisation in a new place if we decided to go there to work.
Sometimes communication for me resembles poison, which I poison myself with every time, forgetting about the consequences. And now I am again raking these consequences and getting from them…
Intimate Diary
This post is about why a man fucked himself, how he did it, and with what. So be careful if you dare to read it. Read More
Selectivity 2.0
It’s interesting that we are used to perceiving certain situations through the idea that we still have a choice. For example, we paid for a thing in an online store, and we imagine that we still have a choice until we pick it up. But the choice has already been made. The same is true in this situation. Here the ladder effect works, when you think about the option when you are asked “why”, but you have cut everything off so that there is no point in asking anything. That is, your previous actions are already the answer to the question, and the issue is resolved. Although for yourself you imagine that everything is still not so.
The fact is that it is always easier for us to perceive everything through the idea that we always have, at least, a couple of options for the development of events. But in the world we move along something like rails that lead us along a more or less specific path. And you can, for example, write to a person you once knew. And here too there are two options – you can pretend to be someone else when you write to the same person, and… this is a path that leads you nowhere, because you will never be able to say that you are the person the person knew before. The second option is to be yourself and… say hello, or something else. And here again there are two options – you will either be recognized (after some time has passed) and will be treated coldly, or you will not be recognized, and this will mean that in general you will not be remembered. That is, any development of events regarding a person with whom we have already crossed paths in this world has 3 conditional development options that lead to a negative result.
I have not encountered “any other” developments of events, beyond those I listed above. That is why our perception of choice is not that it has limitations, but its results are known in advance. So technically I am thinking about emptiness.
How cool is she…
The post was supposed to be called “But you don’t give a fuck”, I saw the live version of this song and…. Read More
Firestarter
I am mastering a new element 🙂