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Personal Thoughts

Black hole

Saint Creature 2 Comments

It seems like there’s too much time, but for some reason there’s not enough of it for anything. It’s like you’re doing your daily chores, trying to get everything done, but in fact…in fact, the main thing is to improve your health.

I don’t like periods when I can’t control my physical condition. That is, I don’t understand how to get out of the hole I’ve found myself in. So let’s try to get treated as prescribed by the doctor, and then we’ll see. Because everything is “not quite” as we would like.

I’m trying to keep two blogs, Pulse (where I try to win contests), Deviant, I don’t even look at Reddit anymore. I postpone posts a little bit. I don’t have the strength or the opportunity to write new ones right now, but I still do them from time to time. I have a lot of things to do and I need to get everything done, but…there are always some “buts”.

Money has become a little easier, which is very pleasing. By the end of March, I would like to close the money issue and move forward. Because too many debts have accumulated. Is it realistic to pull out all the plans? I hope so. There is still time, but I hope for some “luck”. Maybe life will give me the same chance? Maybe at least once?..

Personal

Hard start

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The year started hard because…for two weeks in a row, every day someone needs something. Few people are interested in how I’m doing and whether I need something, but everyone wants something from me. Some help, advice, so that I can do something for them. And, to be honest, I’m already burned out on helping someone with something. I want a person. I want communication. I want sincere interest. So that we mutually feed each other with inspiration and…I don’t know. I want to receive and give love, so that the main idea of ​​​​the interaction between me and the person is this love itself. Do I want too much? Probably…

I want to disappear from this city and this country, and be where I will be the only one who decides who I want to help and who not. I don’t want to be convenient. I want to be out of reach. So that no one can not recommend me, not contact me, no, not even ask me something.

I will grit my teeth on that move, just so that it happens and I end up in another place where they don’t know me. Where I won’t be convenient for everyone and everyone. I want to help, but I want my boundaries to be clearly understood. So that no calls after 9 and until, at least, 10.

Our cat can be pampered, but she knows the limit. She knows that when she has the strength and time – she can climb into bed in the morning and get her dose of attention and love. When she wants to play with a ball – we go and start playing tennis. To give her attention. But she clearly knows when we shouldn’t climb, shouldn’t be bothered, and in general it’s better not to touch. She’s a cat. She’s an animal. So why don’t people who are visually similar to us have the same understanding?..

People Personal Thoughts

Each evening has its own plan

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Every evening, when my time comes, I have my own plan for it. That is, I plan what I will do for the next few hours. Sometimes it is posting photos on websites, sometimes repairing something. I have plans to film a video of repairing a camera and this will probably be the first video on the channel. The first video for an article. This is a laborious process, so I put it off until last. Today I restored the battery of a screwdriver. The process went well, although it was the first time. I also managed to shoot a micro-video with a tentacle for a post on the main blog and also took a few photos with it. But that’s not what this is about.

I planned these thoughts, and I’m trying to collect them. I found a person, and it almost ended with a breakdown in the spirit of “deleting Facebook” (well… you know. I have this happen to me. Or not? Oh…). But I didn’t. Because it’s pointless now. I think the best option is to develop these relationships. For many reasons “why”. It is appropriate to mention Placebo:

“Time will help you through
But it doesn’t have the time
To give you all the answers
To the never-ending why”

I can’t explain why you shouldn’t impose yourself on someone. Maybe that’s why it’s perceived as an imposition? I think so.

I don’t deserve new people with my current perception of other people. Because I think more than usual about what I can get “in the near future”. But the question should be asked differently – what can I give? And this is the main question that I can’t answer.

The other side of the question has always been that people need exactly the little that you can give – sincere interest, words of encouragement. When you are interested in what a person writes simply because you are really interested.

An eternal struggle with myself. I am learning to be a Creature. Not to make the mistakes that I would have made before, and to listen more to my inner voice.

battery_18650_welding
Personal Thoughts

The face is tense – a devastated smile

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I look exhausted. And old. This situation with the lack of income is taking a toll on my health, especially today. It’s nice to think that you still have a chance and opportunities, but now I see that both chance and opportunities have been taken away from me. This country has taken away both of those things from me. It makes me want to just take a ticket with my last money and go somewhere else, look for another, better life. What will it be? Probably, any one will be better now. Simply because I’m tired of living the way I am now, depending on… people. If no one buys anything from you – no one needs you. I’m not sure that we will be able to go to my nephews in the spring, since for now, literally, there is no money even for food. Of course, there is something to sell and close the issue “for now”, but I don’t want to stay here any longer. Because without free income – I have nothing here. Absolutely. We have a house, but it has no meaning or value if you can’t pay for its maintenance, and that’s exactly what it’s going to do now. And I see how this country, having drunk the juices out of people, has taken away my ability to buy something. Others are suffering – I’m suffering too. And I don’t want to think about what it will be like there after the war and in general. I just want not to think about this country at all. Because it has taught me only that it constantly takes something away…

Personal

Love Road

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How far can you go on just one love?…

Even if it’s about the love of music. However, this has already helped more than anything. I’m interested in lyrics, that is, I study the language, the pronunciation of words (ha-ha, albeit with a British accent), and these slow steps are better than nothing. I’m attracted by the idea of ​​being in a city a little bigger than now. To have objects to shoot. Let’s be honest, I would like to live until I turn 50, for example. Although it’s still a long way to go. About the same as 20, which also seem quite far away. I don’t see any harm in staying here, but this is the case when you’re scared not by the city or the nearby border, but by the fact of being in the country itself. And this is what creates the feeling that your whole life will pass you by. And if you really want to live and see something, somehow express yourself – you need something more. In terms of population and in general… frankly? I really don’t mind living again where I could go to concerts, take pictures at concerts, record videos. I liked it then, 8 years ago.

What am I willing to give for it? The thing is that there is nothing left to give. I see that our material affairs are not going well, so in any case, the life we ​​are used to will soon not be what it is. And living on 300 dollars a month is such a prospect.

I hope that music will “take me out”, and I will take us out. That it will work.

Sometimes I sincerely think that my health problems now are 75% due to the situation and the place, and not to health problems as such. And the fact that this whole situation is psychologically oppressing me is very influential. So…we’ll see..

Hobby Personal Thoughts

‘Cause my money, see, it don’t grow(c)Ynk

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I do things that don’t sell, but there is always one buyer. That’s me. And when you look at a gallery and you like the result of your work, you’re on the right track. Because this is your world. In general, no matter what a person does, their creativity is their inner world. Any creativity. That’s why I love different creativity and different people.

And the main thing I want to see in a person’s work is two things. The first of them is their soul, and the second is the desire to see the final result in their creativity. Because I’ve seen more than once how what starts to sell ceases to be what inspires you. That’s why I understand that certain people try to make money with their talent, but I love those who see a certain psychotherapy in their creativity. An attempt to find themselves in this world, to find people like them, to find those who will share their world. Because loneliness, even with money, is a very scary thing.

Personal Plans Thoughts

Letters for Silence

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Today I caught myself thinking that I don’t want to be in silence. To write for silence, to create for silence. I want to be seen, to be heard. So that what I do has a response. And I don’t expect it to be a response at the level of the previous blog. At least in the first years of its existence. But, at the same time, I already see that there are people who like my posts on social networks, although I started my new path only a month and a half ago. I see that there are visits to the blog. I see that there are creative people who are on the same wavelength with me. And I see inspiration in this. I have a desire to create something and share it. To develop it all. To go through trials and experiments.

I think that this engine in itself will become both a reason for a deeper study of the language and an increase in the desire to integrate into some other system. To be part of another world. And let someone say that “everything new should be started before 25-30 (years)”, but I believe that only now you see and feel what you want, and in which direction to move further.

I am sincerely inspired by the idea that some people achieved success only after 40 years, because I also see and feel that only now can I choose the direction in which to live the next part of our lives. I believe that 2025 will be a breakthrough. And I will do everything to catch up with what was lost in the past two years. The past three years.

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