Intimate Diary
Saint Creature This post is about why a man fucked himself, how he did it, and with what. So be careful if you dare to read it. Read More
Personal
You think you can kill me…
…Go ahead and try
Burn me to ashes
Throw me to the masses
Fight me till the day I die…
My border
I often ask myself – where is my border?
I communicate with people, I am inspired by their creativity. I bring my creativity into the world. But what about what I want to get from the person I communicate with?
It can be considered canonical that every person is narcissistic and first of all always thinks about their comfort. So, any connection we have with someone is because we want to take something from a person? Do we always get more than we give? Where is the same limit beyond which you see that you gave more than you received? I refer to the anime – to the rule of equal exchange. Is it possible that both parties from some interaction receive more than 50% at the same time?
If we are talking, for example, about music, and we have two performers who have a similar audience – wouldn’t a compatible fit be something that will simultaneously increase the audience of the first and the second? But this is all about famous stars, but what about us? Ordinary people?..
I don’t think I can give anything to anyone. Instead, I understand that I now view any contact as an opportunity or a desire to take something. And I hate myself for it. And I would like to break all ties that would give me at least some chance for help, so that I…try it myself? Fail? Be left with nothing?..again?..
The problem is not that some person will see a need in me. The problem is that when I am inspired and fall in love with the people around me, I feel ashamed that I can use them. And I ask myself – where is the limit? Where am I – the person who is really inspired by someone? Or where am I just looking for some benefit for myself?
In controversial issues, I prefer the point of view that is more related to Sa. By reducing the fate of the former self in myself, I thereby reduce excessive impulsiveness. Because in my previous form I am a box of matches. Which sometimes just waited for a convenient opportunity to light something. I guess I could give a lot to another person. But no one knows how difficult a person I am inside. And if it is so difficult for me to live with myself, then I don’t imagine how others manage it. As an example, at this stage, I was the previous one, I would break all ties. To commit self-mutilation. To tear out the parts of myself that remained outside the void again and again.
Strangely enough, but I think that my creativity and desire to visualize something with blood is nothing more than the inner world. Like a cancerous tumor of the nervous system, when you spit out all your insides, being left with nothing.
I don’t want to hear in my head this question that I am used to. “How long do you think it will last? Well…let’s make bets.” – because it is a time mechanism with a countdown.
I don’t make acquaintances to tie someone to me. These acquaintances are for the sake of hurting myself later. At some appropriate moment.
Knowing yourself does not exempt you from responsibility..
Do you know what the difference is between Sa and me? Sa wants a long and happy life and is looking for ways to achieve it. The more conventional part of me just wants to live out my time, without looking or thinking about the conditions, and simply erase myself from life when the time comes. There is also the question of why I am trying to change and move away from my conventional self?..
S0…maybe it’s true? Maybe..
“I got wiring loose inside my headI got books that I never ever readI got secrets in my garden shedI got a scar where all my urges bledI got people underneath my bedI got a place where all my dreams are deadSwim with me into your blackest eyes”
Happy Birthday Aaron
This work is dedicated to my friend, who celebrates his birthday today. The idea came to me the other day when I saw somewhere an alphabet in the form of body poses. I found a version in which one person was enough and…oh.
There is such a saying “whoever… – does not laugh in the circus”. So – whoever made the letter “D” – does not laugh in the circus! 😀
My pluses are a thin physique. My minuses are that you can’t get away from physiology anywhere, and I’m not my nephew who knows how to do the splits. You immediately understand why people do yoga and what you missed when you didn’t start doing it))
The second part of the work was more experimental. This time I set the camera to manual mode, but the feeling that the white balance or something else was still jumping, changing the lighting a little. Plus, I didn’t take into account the height of the heels a little. Plus, with the “head” it’s not really clear where the frame demarcation line is. Well… I started making this collage when the lights went out. So… I decided to go against fate and not wash or shave before the photo shoot. That’s why I have a light stubble in the photo (although it’s not really visible). I think you understand that this was dedicated to a person, so here I allowed myself to be a little lazy and just do it!
But I couldn’t just take it and do it. I became curious – could I do all this while standing on high heels? The height of the heels is 15 centimetres. I still haven’t learned how to balance on them. So it was funny and strange and fun at the same time.
I made most of the letters right away, without even noticing how. But the problems arose when I had to make “B”, “D”, “O” and “N”. The last one, by the way, was the easiest and completed the name nicely. B was pretty easy, but I wasn’t sure it would turn out well. O made me question it. But D…she came out of hell and went there. So I did what I could)))
P.s. Another peculiarity was that in New Zealand, where Aaron is from, the day starts much earlier than here. So if I hadn’t done it now, I wouldn’t have had time to congratulate him on time. But I did and…I’m going to bed… 🙂
P.p.s the full image can be seen on Deviantart
Too many places
I have too many places to be on – two “big” blogs that I have to write articles for. Two small blogs, one of which I’m currently writing this entry for. Deviant for photos and creativity. Rarely Flickr for photos. 500px for photos and stocks. Rarely YouTube for videos. Posts are automatically duplicated on Bluesky and Tumblr. That’s not even counting participation in competitions on Pulse. And Patreon. But it’s free, so I only do it occasionally 🙂
There’s also Threads, where reposts are made (when it works). I hardly do Instagram, and I’ve deleted most of my friends on Facebook. Now I still occasionally post something on Reddit. For reach, not least, plus nice acquaintances.
I’d like to close a couple of places (two blogs, at least), but I feel like it’s not the right time again. So for now, it’ll be like that. I feel comfortable that I can put something of my own in every place. Every place has its own spirit. That’s probably why it seems to me that there is no urgent need for people right now – I have myself, who has to be everywhere. That’s enough for now. And the “bar” for people has probably been raised for a certain time. I don’t want to be with everyone at once. I guess I want to find “that one person” with whom I can talk about things, share my creativity, and mutually support each other. Although…now there is such a person, and he lives in New Zealand. All that’s left is to find time to respond to him among all these sites and social networks… 🙂
Not the one
I am not the kind of person who received a “blessing from God” and became someone outstanding or simply found my way. I was not lucky in life like some people who had a chance. And I am not sure that there would be at least one person in this world who would sincerely want to help me. Because I am always insufficient for something or someone. I am always not the one to whom a helping hand will be extended. And I hoped in vain and hope that there will be the same person who would help me now in my situation. Because in life you can only hope for yourself. But do you know what is really sad?
People always hope for me and turn to me. And I help them. Without any reason or anything else. I do not take money from almost everyone I help. Where I can, I also help with money or by buying some things myself. And it saddens me that I always give more than I receive. But such is the world. This world doesn’t need me, no matter what. And I’m alive not because of something, but in spite of it.
I’ll have to get out of this country and this situation on my own. Well. But after that I won’t want to help anyone with anything, because I won’t see the point in it. And I’ll always answer – I didn’t get out of there thanks to your help, so don’t count on my help with your problems either. I’m tired of other people’s problems…
So strongly and subtly..
My happiest readers (if you can call them that) are here – in my sacred cave. Read More
Jumpsuit pt2
What hides under your skin when you’re left alone?
Spikes
I caught myself thinking that the spikes in my ears are not only about the fact that it is more compact, more convenient, but also because they are spikes. On the one hand, it is a symbol of the fact that I can be pricked. On the other hand, it resembles a pin, from a story where a man, in case of stupid thoughts, pricked himself until he bled. I like the feeling that I can prick myself at any moment. I like to pull the earring, understanding that it is a part of me. True, this applies to the one that has been in its place for about six months.
I began to perceive the hair on my body differently. Previously, I believed that the “season for creativity” is from autumn to warm days, because it is not good for a man to be “with shaved arms and legs”. Now I put the very idea of creativity above all else. And I don’t really accept the fact that I don’t look like a monkey. I just be the way I am comfortable being.
I still ask myself – what exactly is this connected with. Anyway, so far I have come to the conclusion that psychologically a part of me died then. The part that made certain barriers that you had no right to go beyond. Now I live without barriers, and those that exist I destroy as soon as I start to see them. And if someone says that “it is impossible” – I immediately try to prove the opposite.
We really like “lessons of national identity”, but, for some reason, they do not popularize the topic of self-identity. And it, in my opinion, is much more important.
Ebay, please, stop!
Did I accidentally find this on eBay? No. Was I looking for something similar? Yes. Whose happy with what I found? Yes, if not for the price))
At my job they make fun of the fact that someone makes a living as a webcam model. Well, whatever. Thanks for the inspiration! With every drop of hatred and not accepting something, I build my personality. It came from my parents, who showed that if you want to achieve something in life – do what they thought was stupid. And you will achieve…
No, it’s not about me being a webcam model with this mask. It’s about the fact that you can be anything, the main thing is that you remain and be yourself, and not what someone wants to see you as 🙂