My God has got a gun..
..And he works me to the bone.. Read More
..And he works me to the bone.. Read More
We lose our “perfect parts” throughout our lives. For normal people, it’s probably nothing, but when you’re a perfectionist, it’s like cutting off pieces from a whole person.
Once, as a child, at least as I remember it, I was thrown into a car. More precisely, a car with a cut-off roof. I’m not sure if it was the first injury in my life, but that’s how I got my scar on my left leg and my first four stitches on my body.
Another incident was related to the fact that, while at my grandmother’s, I climbed onto a pipe to call my mother. The reason? Strange and stupid. Ugh… I needed to wipe my ass. So don’t ask about age. My foot slipped off a pipe that was lying on the ground, and…so I got a wound in the scrotum, running into a rebar sticking out of the ground. Everything was sewn up and “put back in place”, but I ended up with another scar in a rather strange place.
The third incident also happened in my childhood. When I was going down a roller coaster. My older brother was having fun from below, who was sitting at its base. When I went down, I was scared that I would drive into him, and my finger got electrocuted between the metal pipe of the swing and the canvas, which was also made of metal. No, my finger wasn’t cut off then. But since then, another scar has been appearing on my little finger.
About 15 years ago, my nose was broken during the New Year holidays. Some bully, because we were relaxing in our informal party. They attacked us and…since then, my nose is the way it is.
Interestingly, throughout my youth I was more careful than before. So I didn’t get any special injuries (except for mental ones, of course). When I was 17, I had a varicocele cut out. About three stitches. But that doesn’t count.
It’s funny, but most of the injuries I got in the city where I live now. Once I almost put my eye out when I put a board on a stone, put a cherry tree on one side, and stepped on the other side with my foot. It’s funny now, but it wasn’t very good then. But it hit me right in the eye. It hurt. A lot. Sometimes it seemed to me that because of this, one of my eyes sees everything in more yellow tones, but over time I learned from the Internet that this is typical for many people.
In the same city, when I was 10-12, I probably filled a plastic bottle with gas from a lighter and… set it on fire. As a result, I had a burn on my finger, but it was relatively minor because it can’t be seen now.
There is a small scar on my left hand – and I remember exactly that it is from a watermelon. More precisely, from a knife that slipped off. Just like there is a scar on my other hand from the same place, which was obtained with an old knife that was used to cut nettles for chickens. I don’t remember exactly how I got that scar.
I have a scar on my eyebrow from hitting a door. It’s from my military days, when I hit my forehead against a wooden door in the dark.
One of the stupidest scars, or rather not scars, but an almost severed part of myself, I got when I was repairing a bicycle. I spun the wheel, tried to stop the disc brake with my hand, and my thumb got caught between the brake and the disc. The tip of my finger was almost cut off. But, thanks to Pavel, we got to the hospital, they treated the wound there and everything went well. I can’t quite feel this tip, but the finger looks like a normal one. It was he who became the reason for this post.
During life, we lose our “perfect parts”. We become destroyed. Not like others or as nature created us. I feel sad that certain parts of me will no longer be the way they should be. But I can’t do anything about it, so should I be sad about it? I’m still looking for an answer to the question of what cuts off parts from us more – iron, or negative experiences received from certain people? I lean more towards the second.
I have a lot of imperfect parts with which I have learned to live. I have come to terms with what they are. I once thought that if I lost even a part of myself – it would be better to die than to remain disabled. But if you think like that – you should have jumped off that bridge at 17, because that’s when I got my first serious disability.
There are many people in the world who are more beautiful than you or me. More perfect than us. But what of it? In a broader sense? It doesn’t make them more important than us. More beautiful (in a broader sense) than us. Better or anything else. Everyone just has their own path, just like everyone was born under certain conditions, in a certain place, and in a certain family. It’s not scary that you may not be rich, or have some flaws – the main thing is not to make these flaws the meaning of your life. Not to focus on them and not to attach more importance to them. My camera is worn out, but it still takes great pictures. I’m worn out too, and sometimes I do great things. It doesn’t depend on my physical condition.
I thought that I would like to open a Fetish Shop. Literally. Sell things that relate to someone’s fetishes. For example, start selling (officially?) toys from Bad Dragon in Ukraine. Or various costumes, dresses for role-playing games. Moreover – latex costumes. Represent our brands that produce BDSM paraphernalia (yes, I have already come across such). It would be intriguing, because in my opinion only people with strange fetishes can be interesting. If you want to find friends – look among your own kind))
This requires a big budget, so I’m not sure that I will ever be able to implement it. But… our life consists of projects that we either implement or not. Who knows how it will go on. Right?..
Once, in a conversation with her about her feelings after moving, she quoted the movie “Green Book”. In general, the term “Green Book” itself is about a guide for black people, which lists safe places where they could stay for the night. And, in fact, the quote from the movie sounded like “I’m not black enough for blacks and not white enough for whites”. And today I somehow tried it on myself. Apparently, I’m not straight enough for straight, but also not enough…anyone else for someone? Apparently. I don’t use “them/they” in everyday life, not in general. I don’t want to get hung up on something like that. Sometimes I think about what it’s like to be with someone of the same sex, but the problem is that in our country, men are not about sexuality, but about dirt, sloppiness, an unpleasant smell. That is, you can’t somehow visualize this character, if only because you simply don’t have any source from which to draw.
When I put, for example, people I know – the picture comes out too stupid, to be honest. Because I don’t like these people. They don’t evoke anything in me. In my life, there have probably only been a few people who would evoke something. But usually they are very distant.
I don’t want to speculate about anything. As life goes on, so it will be. I guess I’m just too picky. I guess these are strange considerations from a married man. But I perceive it all differently. It’s like a fan fiction for some story.
My inner punk rejoices in moments like these… Read More
..Finding forever one’s.. Read More
I would like to write briefly “who knows, that knows”, but maybe I’ll explain.
In my childhood there was a console, mostly known as Nes. It has game “Contra”. If you enter “up up, down down, back forward, back forward, B A, Start” on the title screen, you will get thirty lives in the game. This is also known as the “Konami code”.
I’ve been carrying this project in my head for several days, but I still haven’t found the time (or the opportunity, because of the shelling) to paint my nails. What’s more interesting – yesterday there was a heavy shelling that destroyed the local police station. So… apparently this work has found another, deeper meaning – right now, we all need those same “extra thirty lives”. It doesn’t matter, saved or not lost.
Recently, a person told me that he wants to think less about the war. To have less “war” in his life. In fact, that’s where our paths diverged. Because I don’t want to be silent about what surrounds me. I want to bring my own meanings to it, but if there is no war for her – ok. Because I live in it. So, in fact, there is no me for her.
Unnoticeably to myself, I have become too cautious. I no longer make sudden purchases or gifts. Everything is weighed. Measured. I don’t buy things because I “just like them,” but I really consider whether I can afford to pay, for example, $25 for a router. Is that too much? I plan to pay the router itself, which costs $62, in installments, with the understanding that now, this previously ridiculous amount, is becoming unaffordable for me. Maybe until spring. Maybe until we can work at full capacity again, but not yet.
It’s funny, but I even have a budget divided by income. What I spend on expensive goods and what on cheaper ones, even those that will bring more income. I have to check every penny so that one thing matches the other. I plan to heat the house with firewood for at least a couple of months in the winter to save those $166 on gas (although almost the same $166 were spent on firewood). And this savings is in many ways.
The other day I was surprised how many alcohol bottles were in the garbage bag. It is clear that it is not “for a month” or even a year, but it is a fact. You look and understand how much money is spent, including on such nonsense. But if you do not smoke (hello 100 UAH per pack per day/two), it is not scary to drink something 1-2 times a week. Is it scary?..mich gerh laughs at me during these thoughts, because well…because.
Even in the creative realm, it’s a funny moment right now – every time I go to wash, I shave a separate part. Hoping that the day will come, and “after finishing everything else, I’ll go and photograph myself again.” I want that. To do dark things, illuminating them in photos. Sounds good, doesn’t it?..
It’s three o’clock again. Time to sleep…
…At night, I drink until I feel them slowly float away (Oh yeah, oh yeah)…
Few artists make me roar when I hear something so great. But…they did it. Twice.
Give me this stick, this heart and his pants – and no one will get hurt…
“Everybody’s talking about it
Makes it pretty hard to doubt it
Need a minute but I’m surrounded
Friends are coming at me like vultures
How come nobody ever told ya?
I wouldn’t show your face ’til it’s over
But I’ve been here before
So hit me when I’m sore (I’m sore).”